


Tell Me That You Still Want Me Here

by fmaloser



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Feels, Blood and Violence, Booty Calls, Dark, Don't Read This, Drug Addiction, Drunk Sex, Eren worships his ass, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Fucked Up, House Party, How does Eren manage to piss everyone off without even trying?, I'm Sorry, Levi likes having his ego stroked, Levi works at a burger joint, Levi's secretly a douchebag, Loneliness, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Threesome - M/M/M, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, among other things, i almost forgot the smut, it's pretty graphic, may be disturbing to some, please don't read this if that bothers you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:05:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 38
Words: 70,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmaloser/pseuds/fmaloser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"I've always been painfully aware of his presence; as soon as I walk into a room, my eyes automatically search for that swath of shiny black, picking him out in a crowd as if it was second nature. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <em>I don't remember when exactly I first started this, I just know that the first time I looked into those stormy grey eyes, I saw something that I guess I liked, because I've been pining after them ever since." </em></p><p> </p><p> -- Eren truly believes that it's him against the world. Except for his two best friends, Eren has never gotten along with people in general due to his awful temper. In return, he is teased and bullied constantly. He's used to being treated like nothing but a spectacle.</p><p>And then he meets Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Are Everything, My Most Demanding Dream

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! And showering you all in Basement lyrics because, wow, they're beautiful.
> 
> So, for anyone that read my last fic, I know I said that I would be taking a break from writing, but I got bored like a day after posting the last chapter of Do You Want Me, and this little baby was born. This chapter's a bit short, but the rest will be longer, I promise. Expect multiple chapters, lots of angst, cute ereri moments but also a lot of heartache.

_I've always been painfully aware of his presence; as soon as I walk into a room, my eyes automatically search for that swath of shiny black, picking him out in a crowd as if it was second nature._

_I don't remember when exactly I first started this, I just know that the first time I looked into those stormy grey eyes, I saw something that I guess I liked, because I've been pining after them ever since._

 

***

 

I'd always been hard to handle. And by that, I mean that I act before thinking and I speak my mind a lot more than I should. As a result, no one liked me. I had a bit of an anger problem - but everyone told me it was much more serious than that - and very little patience with the world.

 

It's not my fault that everyone always seemed to go out of their way to piss me off.

 

All throughout my school years, I'd been getting into fights. It only got worse when people realized how easy it was to set me off, because then everyone decided that it was fun to try and provoke me. They teased and prodded at me constantly, and they still ended up running and crying to the nearest teacher when I finally snapped and lunged at them.

 

By the time I got to high-school, I'd already established the mentality that it's me against the world. Everyone was scum, sent here to make my life a living hell. Students and teachers alike treated me like I was nothing but an annoyance, like a problem yet to be solved, while I tried my best to interact with them as little as possible.

 

The two exceptions to this rule were my first and only friend, Armin, and my sister Mikasa. I've known Armin all my life because our parents were friends, so he's more than used to my antics. Mikasa joined my family when I was nine and clung to me for the longest time. I didn't know why; maybe it was because everything was changing so quickly for her and nothing was familiar anymore, but I didn't hate the quiet little girl immediately like I did everyone else, and therefore, I was actually nice to her. I still don't know what she saw in me all those years ago, but we have a special bond that has yet to be broken.

 

***

 

Freshman year, everything was shiny and new, scary and foreign. I'd held onto the hope that things would be different, that this was a new start. Maybe I'd finally make some friends.

 

Two weeks in, and that dream had already been shot to shit. I got into a fight with a junior who'd shoved me and shouted, "Get out of my way, faggot!"

 

Nobody heard the utterance except me, but everyone in the cafeteria saw when I pushed the asshole right back and told him to suck a dick. Things escalated from there, and when the guy poured chocolate milk over my head, I'd looked up to see everyone laughing at me. Everyone except one moody looking junior who leaned against the wall a few feet away, arms crossed, watching the scene with bored eyes. I had to admit, he was really fucking attractive, but what really got me hooked was when he pushed off the wall and sauntered over to the fuck-face that had started the fight, grabbing him by the ear and dragging him off. "Stop being a douchebag, Oluo," he'd scolded in the most monotonous voice I'd ever heard.

 

After that day, I became the school's punching bag - not that I didn't fight back. It was just hard not to feel hopeless, so I clung to whatever happiness I could find; Armin's bright laughter, Mikasa's unconditional affection, that one stone cold face amidst a crowd of jeering teenagers.

 

***

 

Sophomore year, I'd already gotten used to being known as the school freak. I'd become less of a novelty and more just someone to be ignored. Some people still poked fun at me, but it was less of a school-wide spectacle. 

 

I'd already fallen into the habit of looking for the boy with the stormy eyes everyday in the cafeteria, finding comfort in the way that he always wore the same expression. At first, he was hard to spot because he was so short, but it became like a sort of game to keep my mind off things, to keep me calm. 

 

Whenever he caught me staring, I blushed and looked down at my plate, falling back into conversation with Armin and Mikasa.

 

***

 

Junior year was depressing. Levi had graduated and I no longer saw him wandering the halls. I still watched for him everywhere I went, despite knowing that he probably wouldn't be there. I'd learned his name from one of his friends, the crazy-looking one with the glasses, when she'd yelled it across the hall.

 

  
_Levi_ , like the jeans. His ass looked great in the skinny jeans he wore. What a coincidence. 

 

I spent half the year wallowing in the kind of depression that I thought I'd gotten over; It hadn't been this bad since I'd started my little game, searching for the raven. I barely ate, hardly slept, didn't really talk to anyone.

 

Armin dragged me out to the burger joint, Colossal's, a short walk from school one day to cheer me up, and it worked a lot better than I thought it would. As soon as I walked in, I was welcomed by a pair of apathetic grey eyes. They locked on mine and I was powerless - I stopped walking and just stared right back until he finally broke eye contact to finish refilling the napkin dispenser. From then on, I found every excuse to eat there, and every time Levi and I made eye contact, I couldn't help but stare longingly until he turned away.

 

***

 

So here I am, seventeen years old, still a virgin, halfway through my senior year with absolutely nothing to show for it. The worst part: I've been crushing over the same guy for four years, and I've never even said a word to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, we've established Eren's beautiful life. Next chapter: The drama begins.


	2. I Don't Love You, I Just Need To Be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren gets what he wants, but not in the way that he wants it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I know I said there would be cute ereri moments in this fic, but I realized how wrong I was to say that. Like, I think there'll be cuteness but mostly I just have this really fucked up brain that churns out these horribly messed up chapters, and I swear to you, it'll only get worse from here. If you read my last fic, you will understand.  
> But at least it's interesting!
> 
> So here it is: the beginning of Eren's downward spiral.

I only ever go to one fast-food restaurant when I eat out, and the reason for that isn't hard to guess. I sit in the same corner, in front of the same window in the same seat every visit, ordering the same meal and watching the same man.

 

Armin droned on and on about some super interesting course he was taking, gushing about how nice the teacher was and how much he was learning while I payed him no attention at all. Quiet _Uh-huh_ 's and periodic nods were the tricks I used to keep Armin off my back so that I could openly stare at Levi's ass as he moved from table to table, bending over them to scrub the grime off.

 

Essentially, this was a typical day for me.

 

"Eren."

 

"Mhm." I acknowledged distractedly as Levi bent down, back facing me at the perfect angle, to pick a piece of trash off the floor.

 

"Eren!"

 

I tore my gaze from its fixation to find Armin glaring at me expectantly. "What?"

 

"Were you listening to anything I was saying?"

 

"No." I answered bluntly and instantly regretted it when Armin's sweet face contorted in annoyance.

 

"I don't know why I even try, you never listen anyways. Honestly, Eren, this is getting old."

 

"What is?" I asked, confused, eyes tacked back on Levi's ass as he bent over again.

 

Armin made a frustrated noise and snapped his fingers in front of my face. I looked back at him. " _This!_ This is exactly what I mean - you never pay attention to anything anymore! I feel like I'm talking to a wall; all you ever do is stare off into the distance and ignore Mikasa and I."

 

I only heard about half of what he said, because as soon as he'd started yelling, Levi had turned to see what all the commotion was and somehow our eyes had locked. I was unable to look away and he didn't avert his gaze either. I was trapped, just barely aware of Armin lecturing me in the background.

 

I snapped out of it at the sound of a chair scraping back, the table jerking slightly as Armin rose from his seat and stormed off, fed up. 

 

"You still aren't fucking listening!"

 

I instantly felt bad, and I was about to jump up and run after the boy when I noticed Levi making his way towards me, an amused smirk playing on his face.

 

My whole body froze.

 

"What did you do to piss off blondie?" Levi inquired, his smirk already gone just as fast as it had appeared, but the amused glint still played in his eyes.

 

"I was staring at your ass instead of paying attention to him." I blurted out before I realized what I was saying. I felt my cheeks heat up. " _Shit_ ," I muttered, covering my mouth with my sleeve and looking away.

 

My eyes snapped back to his when I heard him speak again. "Enjoying the view?" Levi asked, one eyebrow raised. He sat himself down in Armin's vacant chair.

 

"Uh-huh." I replied, paralyzed as he observed me with scrutinizing eyes. 

 

"Understandable. You know, my shift's about to end and it looks like whatever plans you had have been cut short, you wanna get outta here?"

 

My eyes widened. "Yes." I told him eagerly.

 

"Alright, I'll be back in few minutes, and then we can go."

 

He stood up and walked back behind the counter at the front of the restaurant, out of my sight. I folded my arms on the table and rested my head on them, letting the rush of questions flood my head, not bothering to figure out the answers.

 

How angry was Armin? Was I really that exhausting to talk to?

 

What prompted Levi to talk to me? Why did he invite me out after not acknowledging me for so long?

 

"Ready to go?" Levi appeared beside me once again, startling me from my deep thoughts. When I looked up, I noticed he'd changed from his work uniform into a white V-neck and dark, slim fit jeans.

 

Fuck, he was hot.

 

"Uh, yeah!" I said, standing up from my chair. Levi turned and walked towards the door without another word, expecting me to follow. How could I not?

 

He lead me over to the employee parking lot and I already knew which car was his. I'd been stalking him for so long, I had the license plate memorized. The doors were unlocked with the press of a button and we reached the car soon after. Levi didn't glance back at me, he just opened the door and ducked in. I rounded to the passenger side and did the same.

 

"So... Where are we going?"

 

"A party." He cut me a sideways glance while sticking the key in the ignition. "That okay?"

 

"Oh, uh, yeah. That's fine." I stumbled over my words.

 

"Good." He murmured in a low voice. We fell into silence as Levi pulled out of the lot and drove away. It seemed he was headed toward the more fortunate area of town, where everyone had a big house and a nice car. Where the neighborhoods were decked out with preppy fountains and perfectly manicured lawns. They were all model neighbors, quiet and respectful, smiling and nodding at everyone that passed. It all made me terribly uncomfortable; they were like golf-obsessed robots.

 

It was clear as soon as we pulled up, though, that the owner of this house did not abide by everyone else's neighborly rules. It seemed that the party was just starting up, but already there were cars parked haphazardly all down the street and you could hear the bass thumping before the house even came into view.

 

When Levi pulled into the driveway of a large, two story home with a large porch in the front, I felt the nerves finally clutch my gut, belated, but still a nuisance. 

 

There were too many people here.

 

Levi must've noticed the falter in my steps and the poorly-hidden apprehension on my face, because he stopped and gave me a comforting look, or at least he tried to come off that way. His expressions didn't vary much from one another. "Everything alright?"

 

I sighed. "Crowds of people aren't really my thing..."

 

"If it's any comfort, I won't leave you alone." Levi told me earnestly and surprisingly, that did help. Or maybe it wasn't so surprising, because I couldn't just say no to him after waiting so long for this chance.

 

"Thanks." I took the initiative with some new found boost of confidence, starting towards the door and letting Levi follow behind me.

 

Once we were just inside the door, however, I stopped dead. The thick, stale air hit me like a wall, the scent a mixture of sweat and booze. The whole place was packed with bodies, swaying to the music and talking loudly over each other. I won't lie, it was very overwhelming. 

 

Levi took one look at my scared expression and silently took my hand in his, stepping forward to lead me further into the house. I didn't resist, I spent my time trying not to hyperventilate and stumbled blindly after the older boy, letting him tug me along.

 

After making a pit stop at the kitchen, where Levi placed a plastic cup full of room-temperature beer in my hand, we continued on our way, down a flight of stairs and through a large rec room of sorts, finally arriving at a plain white door. Levi knocked three times in quick concession, and soon after, the door was being flung open.

 

Levi's friend - the one with the messy ponytail and glasses - looked down on Levi with a wide, manic grin before her gaze settled on me and it managed to grow even wider. "You actually brought him!"

 

"I said I would." Levi replied, looking as unimpressed as ever. He pulled me into the bedroom and onto the small love seat that sat against one wall. The way he tugged me down, I ended up sitting way too close for comfort, practically on his lap. Levi didn't complain, though, so I didn't dare move.

 

"What are you talking about?" I asked as my eyes swept over the room, noting the presence of four other people lazing about; one girl layed on the bed, curled up into a man's side, while the other two guys, one blond and one with black, pointy hair, sat on the floor beside the bed, backs against the wall.

 

Glasses jumped to answer me before Levi could. "Well, Levi was getting tired of being stalked-" I choked on my beer, dissolving into a loud and embarrassing coughing fit.

 

Levi shot Hanji a harsh glare and rubbed my back soothingly for a moment. "Hanji bet that I wouldn't be able to get you to come."

 

"So you planned this?" The whole thing, Levi approaching me after my fight with Armin and making it seem like it was a spur of the moment thing - that was all just some scheme to prove something to his friends?

 

Levi shrugged.

 

Hanji flopped stomach-first onto the foot of the bed. "Levi noticed you eyeing him up at the restaurant - I mean, how could you not? You're not exactly subtle, honey - and I dared him to finally ask you to hang out."

 

I looked at Levi, trying to mask the hurt in my eyes. "So, does that mean...?"

 

Levi leaned in close and whispered in my ear, "I didn't invite you just because I was dared to, if that's what you're asking."

 

"Then why did you ask me?" I pressed.

 

"Because you're cute when you blush like that." He whispered again, a mischievous twinkle lighting up his eyes while my face burned even hotter.

 

"So, Eren! I'm really glad you're here, because now I can thoroughly interview you and find out -"

 

"Hanji! Eren's mine for tonight." Levi scolded, snaking an arm behind my shoulders and pulling me even closer, so that I was resting against his side. His hand then tangled itself in my hair and I felt my stomach flutter. 

 

"But Levi!" Hanji whined, drawing out the last syllable of his name. "I just want to learn more about him!"

 

"No."

 

I sipped the liquid from my flimsy cup and tried to relax. I had to admit, this was nice. Levi smelled good, not like most guys my age who drown themselves in Axe body spray. He smelled clean, like shampoo. 

 

"Fine." Hanji relented, but the look in her eyes told me that she had something else up her sleeve. She draped herself over the side of the bed, just enough so that she could feel her way around underneath it. After a moment of blindly moving her hands around, she smiled and pushed herself up, now holding in her hand a bottle of rum.

 

"Who wants the first swig?" She raked her eyes across the room, finally landing her sights on me. "Eren! How 'bout you?" 

 

"Hanji," Levi chided, but I interrupted him.

 

"No, it's okay, I'll do it." I may spend a lot of time alone, but if there's one good thing about having a drunkard for a dad, it's that there's always an abundance of alcohol around. I have experience. 

 

Levi searched my eyes with his. "You sure?"

 

"Hell yeah." I said, holding out an open palm. Hanji happily placed the bottle in my grasp. With a smile to show Levi that I really wasn't intimidated, I unscrewed the cap and took a big swig. It burned a little, and didn't taste very pleasant, so I washed it down with a few sips of beer.

 

I looked around, but nobody else seemed eager to take the rum from me, so I gulped another sip down.

 

"Slow down, Eren, we've got all night." Levi told me, taking the bottle from my hand and taking a swig for himself. "I've never seen anyone chase a shot with beer." He added in an off handed kind of way.

 

I just shrugged my shoulders. "It works for me."

 

From there, the bottle made its rounds throughout the room, and I was surprised to find that it was empty so soon. We all fell into lazy conversation, asking stupid questions to pass the time.

 

"So, Eren, how d'you spend your time when you're not staring at Levi's ugly ass?" Asked Eld, one of the guys I was slowly getting to know. 

 

Levi yelled " _Hey!_ " just as I protested, "Levi has a great ass!" The whole room fell into a fit of giggles.

 

"I mostly just sit at home and get drunk, honestly. Not much else to do." I finally answered when we calmed down.

 

Suddenly, I felt Levi's lips press against my ear and I jumped, startled. 

 

He chuckled. "Let's go upstairs and dance, yeah?"

 

"Okay." I agreed with a sloppy grin.

 

I moved to get up and all at once, the alcohol just _hit_ me. I got a massive head rush as I swayed uneasily on my feet, and was immensely grateful when I felt Levi's hand grasping my elbow to steady me. 

 

My heart skipped a beat when I heard Levi giggle like a little kid. "Careful there, gorgeous."

 

We stumbled up stairs, laughing at our own impaired coordination along the way. From there, the night is kind of a blur. Levi handed me another red plastic cup as we passed through the kitchen to get to the living room, where everyone was dancing, and whenever the cup seemed close to being empty, a new one always appeared in its place.

 

I remember dancing. My first time at a party, being a part of the crowd, actually dancing like a teenager is supposed to. And best of all, I got to grind up against the hottest guy there.

 

Everyone seemed to know Levi; I lost count of how many people shouted things like, "Yo, Levi! What's up bro?" as he passed, but being the uncaring man he is, Levi never spared them a second glance.

 

The bass reverberated throughout the whole house and I remember the distinct sensation, feeling the music resonate within your body, and I'd never felt happier than at that moment.

 

I remember Levi whispering, flirting in my ear the whole night.

 

I remember him tugging on my hand, leading me upstairs.

 

I remember the feeling of his lips on mine, as he closed the guest room door behind us and pressed my back against it, but most of all, I remember wanting it. When Levi asked, "Is this okay?" as his hand snaked its way down the front of my pants, I didn't have any objections.

 

The last thing I remember was his cool, even tone - stark in contrast to the breathless words he'd spoken only minutes earlier - as he slipped out of the dark room, leaving me alone.

 

"Thanks for the fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you thought of the chapter, and what you think will happen next chapter. Comments are greatly appreciated!


	3. It's Hard Enough To See Without You Making Me Feel Like I Am Nothing...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can one man make you hate yourself and feel good about yourself at the exact same time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, these chapters are still depressingly short. To make up for it, I've been updating every day so far lol. 
> 
> Don't get used to it.

I slipped into the house the next morning, head aching and in an ultimately shitty mood. I'd woken up alone in an unfamiliar bed, naked. Details from the night before were spotty, but I remembered enough to make me feel elated and horrible at the same time.

 

I limped as quietly as I could through the house - my ass was fucking sore - to get to my bedroom, but of course, luck was never on my side. There, on the living room couch, slept Mikasa. Even in slumber, she wore a small frown on her face, curled up in such a position that I just know she was waiting up all night for me. And as I passed, I managed to step on the squeakiest floorboard in the room, effectively waking her up.

 

"Eren?" Mikasas eyes alertly popped open as if she'd never been asleep. She pushed herself up into a sitting position and rushed to speak, words gushing out a mile a minute. "Where the fuck were you all night? Armin told me that you were being an insufferable douchebag so he left, and then you didn't come home and I thought-"

 

"Mikasa! Shut up!"

 

Her mouth snapped shut with an audible clack of her teeth. 

 

"I'm fine, and that's all that matters, right?"

 

"No! Where did you go?"

 

"To a party." I said proudly, honest as always.

 

Mikasa looked shocked; rightfully so, considering my terribly pathetic social life, but it still kind of hurt seeing her jaw drop and eyebrows raise so dramatically. "What? With who?!"

 

"Levi." I tried to look happy about it, but the feeling of loneliness came back like a punch in the gut along with the memory of his soft whispers in my ear. I knew now, they were nothing but a meaningless strategy used to get me to sleep with him. I couldn't be mad at Levi, though; I would've slept with him even if he was straightforward about the whole thing.

 

Mikasa noticed the melancholic expression that fell over my features. "What did he do? Did he hurt you? If he forced you to do anything you didn't want to do, Eren, lemme tell you right now-"

 

"Mikasa! Give the fucking mother dearest act a rest, okay? I'm just hungover and extremely tired, so if you'll excuse me-" Without warning, I ducked past her and her angry aura, ran down the hall to my room and shut the door behind me before she could argue any further. I locked it for extra measure, making sure she could hear the audible click of the lock and take it as a _keep out_ sign.

 

***

 

A week passed, spent mostly moping and wasting time staring into space. I'd left Armin a few texts, telling him I was sorry and that I promised I'd try harder, but every single one of them went ignored along with all my calls. The boy was doing some kind of internship for extra credit, so I didn't even get to see him at school. His silence was like a weight on my shoulders, the pain cruel and constant. Paired with Levi's casual rejection, I felt like crap.

 

It was times like these that brought back dark thoughts that I didn't like to occupy my brain with. I'd gone through life with a strict and straightforward outlook: People were assholes and I didn't like them. But after time and time again being put down and rejected and reminded every damn day that you're an unlikeable piece of shit, it makes you start to wonder. What if I'm the one that needs to change? What if I'm just hopelessly unaware of how much of a freak I really am?

 

What if Levi didn't want to be with me because he couldn't stand the person I am?

 

Despite my inner turmoil, I still visited Colossal's, because I was some kind of a masochist and I needed my daily dose of Levi. I can't really blame Levi for not wanting to be with me, can I? Just because I'm flawed, it doesn't mean he isn't perfect. Just being near him was enough to sooth my tense shoulders. People with that kind of power shouldn't be taken for granted.

 

I'll take what I can get from him, even if it'll never be more than a casual fuck and a few seconds of eye contact here or there.

 

Everyday, I sat down in my usual seat, ordered the same thing from the peppy girl with pigtails at the counter, and waited, despite the paper-thin chance of it ever happening, for Levi to acknowledge me for the second time. And everyday, Levi never even gave me a second glance as he flitted around the establishment, cleaning everything spotless in the way only he could.

 

That is, until Friday rolled around and I was halfway through my burger, spaced out in my own world, when the scrape of a chair being pulled back made me look up just as Levi plopped himself down.

 

"Hey bright-eyes." 

 

"Levi? What are you doing?" I couldn't hold back my confusion.

 

"I'm asking you to come to my place later tonight." Levi told me matter-of-factly.

 

"But... Why?" I asked densely, head cocked to the side. Why did he even want to be around me?

 

A spark of amusement lit his eyes. "Because my plans got canceled and you never seem to have much to do." He gave me a look, indicating that he'd noticed just how much of my time I wasted in this place. "So what do you say?"

 

"Sure, I guess." I couldn't hold back my giant grin. 

 

Levi nodded in approval and stood up. "My shift ends at eight today, so if you wanna wait around, I'll drive us both."

 

"Okay." I agreed happily.

 

***

 

"So... this is it." Levi announced, pulling his keys back out of the lock as he pushed the door to his second story apartment open, waving me inside. I walked in, noticing how clean and tidy everything was as I stood in the doorway, unsure of how to proceed. Levi toed his shoes off and ventured further in, so I did the same.

 

In the small kitchen that was attached to the living room, I leaned against the counter while Levi opened the fridge, staring blankly at whatever was inside. "Do you want a beer?"

 

"Sure."

 

Levi grabbed two bottles from the bottom shelf and closed the door to the fridge, passing one to me. He twisted his beer open and chugged a good portion of it before setting the bottle on the counter. I had barely even taken a sip of mine, too engaged in watching the intriguing man.

 

Suddenly he was pressing close, eyes hooded and voice lowered as he spoke softly in my ear. "So, what do you wanna do now?" The suggestive purr told me that he already had an idea in mind, and I didn't have any reason to protest.

 

I angled my body so we were face to face, somehow finding the confidence to put my hands on his waist and utter the words, "Whatever you want, Levi."

 

Levi smiled up at me, as if he'd known he had me under his thumb all along, before lacing his hands together around my neck and pulling my head down for a kiss. I moaned as he sucked on my bottom lip before swiping his tongue over it, allowing him the access he'd been asking for. His tongue slipped into my mouth, teasing me and exploring, while his hands pushed through the mess of hair on my head.

 

My hands roamed over the curves of his body, appreciating his small, delicate form. I rested them on the small of his back and tugged him closer, grinding my hips against his.

 

Levi's lips smirked against mine and I felt one of his hands untangle itself from my hair, sliding down slowly, further and further, until finally reaching the bulge in my jeans. I gasped as he kneaded me with his fingers, still kissing me heatedly.

 

My fingers played with the hem of his shirt and after I recovered from the stimulation clouding my thought process, I finally pulled the black Tee over his head and let it drop. I hummed, admiring his lean physique, letting my hands map the lines of his abdominal muscles. Hands down, Levi was the most attractive guy I'd ever seen.

 

In one swift motion, my shirt was over my head and sent fluttering to the floor, Levi's skilled hands moving down to deal with the button on my jeans. "We should go to the bedroom," Levi suggested after he'd pulled my fly down.

 

"Mn." I agreed, letting him tow me by the wrist towards the small bedroom down the hall. I followed the alluring swish of his hips, letting lust control my actions. There were no more self-deprecating thoughts swirling around my head when I had Levi to overwhelm my senses, and I think that's why I let him do whatever he wanted with me.

 

Levi's bedroom was simple, full of relaxed colors and furnished with a bed covered in a fluffy comforter, a bedside table and a dresser. I didn't observe much more than that, because Levi's pants were falling to the ground and I was sober enough to see how beautiful he really was. 

 

He crawled onto the bed while I stepped out of my jeans, and then I approached the mattress, happy when Levi grabbed me by the arms and pulled me on top of him, bringing my head down for another kiss. Our lips worked in tandem while I maneuvered myself so that I was sitting on top of him, straddling his hips. The thin layer of fabric separating us made it that much more frustrating when he pushed his hips up against mine, and we both groaned. I pushed back, rocking back and forth to keep the friction going, elicited low whines from the man beneath me.

 

Finally, I felt the soft pads of Levi's fingertips trail down the sides of my rib cage before dipping past the waistband of my boxers, pulling them down. I lifted my hips and shimmied a bit to help him get them off, and right as they hit the floor, Levi's leg came up and all of a sudden our positions were flipped. His boxers were off a second later, his erection grinding down on mine.

 

The man reached over to the bedside table, rummaging around for moment in the top drawer before his hand resurfaced holding a bottle of lube and a condom. From there, it seemed that Levi didn't have any time to spare. Tonight wasn't about passion or intimacy, this was no time for slow love making, for mutual feelings to unfold into something beautiful, something real. Despite my hopes, it was painfully obvious in the diligent and precise way that Levi prepped and then slipped his member inside of me. This was just sex, a medium in which he could find relief.

 

I tried to make myself hate it for the sake of my pride, but with Levi thrusting deep inside me, hitting that spot just right, lying to myself was impossible. I was hooked on Levi and everything that came with it. I knew then, I was addicted to his body and the soft words he breathed into my ear, always so quiet. Sex with Levi ruined me and made me, it made me hate myself and feel good about myself all at the same time.

 

Levi's hand wrapped around my own neglected erection and pumped it in the same rhythm as our rolling hips, assaulting me with stimulation and pleasure. I tried to hold it in, but inevitably, I came first. My final moan was loud and drawn out, Levi joining me soon after.

 

And then he was gone and I was left feeling empty in more ways than one. A chaste kiss on the lips, a pat on the cheek, every movement he makes screaming _No Strings Attached._  


 

_Thanks for the fuck._

 

Levi made his way to the bathroom door, saying his closing words as he went. " _Fuck,_ that felt good. I gotta work tomorrow, Eren, but I'll see you later." The _please get out_ was implied.

 

I yawned, grateful that he didn't see the look of disappointment on my face. "Yeah, see you later." The sound of the door closing was the only answer I received. 

 

Just as I stood up, the door opened just enough for a hand to slip through and fling a damp cloth right at my face.

 

"Leave that in the laundry hamper when you're done with it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!


	4. Please Save Me From Myself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you read the tags, then you knew this would happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.

Another Friday had come, and I was seated in my usual spot at Colossal's, frowning down at the text Armin had sent me.

 

 

  
**[From][Armin]** _Sorry for ignoring you, Eren, I just wanted you to know how it felt._   


 

 

For some reason, that made me really fucking angry. I knew he wasn't just ignoring me because he was angry at me for all that time. During the past two weeks, Armin had made a whole bunch of new friends. I'd seen them around once or twice, laughing and joking, goofing off. Armin seemed to be so much happier around them, and I know I should've been happy for him, but I was just so jealous. Here I was, spending all my time alone while Armin ditched me for a new crowd, and now he was playing it all off, like somehow I deserved to be left all alone. I'd told him I was sorry multiple times, but now it was clear that he wasn't even angry, he'd just found new people to keep him entertained.

 

 

  
**[To][Armin]** _Fuck you_  


 

 

"Hey, brat, do you want to come to another party with me?" 

 

I looked up from my phone to find Levi standing over me clad in his work uniform and toting a broom.

 

I smiled. "Yeah, okay."

 

***

 

When we arrived, Levi pushed the door open to reveal the one and only Hanji, bouncing with excitement as she ran out to greet me. 

 

"Eren! It's been too long!" Levi didn't bat an eye as Hanji wrapped her boney fingers around my wrist and dragged me into the house, up a flight of stairs and into someone's bedroom. The lock clicked behind me as I took in the minimal décor.

 

"Put this on!" Hanji threw a plastic shopping bag into my arms, surprising me. I opened up the bag and peered inside, put off by how little fabric was actually in there. Was this supposed to be a whole outfit?

 

Gingerly, I pulled the clothes out of the bag and laid them out on the bed. A pair of itty-bitty blue jean shorts, red lacy panties and a red dog collar. "What the hell? I'm not wearing this!"

 

"Aw common Eren!" Hanji whined. "Don't you want everyone to know that you belong to Levi? You've got to look the part if you're going to be his lap dog!"

 

"His lap dog?" I parroted, confused.

 

"Oh come on, we can all see how much you worship him. Don't you want to know what it's feels like to be shown off? I know you want this."

 

Did I really want to be held up on a pedestal, nothing but a pretty face and a good fuck? I bit my lip, weighing my options. I could refuse and go home, or I could walk out of this room wearing next to nothing and have a good time with a man who would never love me. It's obvious which option was more enticing. 

 

Our relationship may never be more than simple attraction, but at least I was being seen, right?

 

Hanji turned around while I stripped down, still feeling quite awkward as I pulled on the lacy panties, then the shorts. My ass practically hung out of them, but when Hanji turned around at my complaints, she assured me they were perfect. She secured the tight collar around my neck with a wide grin on her face before ruffling my shaggy hair, making it even messier.

 

"Perfect."

 

I answered with a shy smile, and we went to find Levi.

 

As the two of us pushed our way through crowds of people, all drinking and dancing and having a good time, I had a permanent blush heating my cheeks. I tried to hide myself behind Hanji, but soon I noticed the lingering gazes of a multitude of men, practically drooling as I passed.

 

I barely noticed how my shoulders squared themselves and my back straightened; by the time we found Levi on the couch with two drinks in his hands, I was standing tall and confident, a small, proud smile tugging at my lips.

 

Levi looked up, his eyes raking up and down my exposed body as I approached. The small nod of approval that I received as we finally made eye contact made my heart skip a beat and he fluttering in my stomach only worsened when I got close enough for him to grab my hand and pull me onto his lap, the cups now sitting on the table beside the couch.

 

"You look hot." Came the low voice in my ear, and my cheeks flushed even hotter.

 

"Thanks."

 

Levi reached back to pick up his drinks, passing one to me. I smiled gratefully and chugged down my beer, trying to loosen the nerves that gripped my body. And, as parties go, one beer always leads to another. Which leads to another.

 

Can you guess where my night ended up? 

 

Alone, naked and drunk off my ass. 

 

By the time I could pull my thoughts together, Levi was long gone. The only traces of him left were the faint smell of him on the sheets and the cum dripping out of my ass. 

 

Whimpering - I don't even think we prepped this time - I pulled myself out of bed and stumbled to the adjoined bathroom. I cleaned myself up as quickly as possible and went to find my clothes, nearly crying when all I found were the panties and booty shorts that Hanji had forced me into. I had no idea where my original clothing had gone, which meant that I was going to have to bus home like this.

 

I finally looked around me a bit and took in my surroundings, realizing that I was actually in a guy's room. It was the best discovery I'd made all day. I tripped over to the large dresser pushed against the wall and pulled each drawer open, searching for clothes that would fit me. My hands pulled out a pair of large grey sweat pants and a plain black tee; I excitedly put them on, grateful to be wearing actual clothes.

 

Next, was the hard part. Swaying unsteadily on my feet, I wobbled down the stairs and out the door, ignoring the people still partying as they called out incoherent gibberish. I don't even remember where my shoes had gone. 

 

I had no idea where I was, I had no money and no phone. The blurred quality that had taken over my thoughts soon settled into a drunken panic, and I couldn't help it; I started crying. Tears made trails down my cheeks while I hiccuped and sobbed, walking barefoot along some dark, unfamiliar street. 

 

I just remember feeling alone. Levi had slipped out the door without so much as a goodbye, and I don't know, I guess that hurt. I mean, I can't be upset with him because he was really drunk. I know that he's a good guy because he always takes care of me when he's sober.

 

But, _fuck!_ I could barely walk because of the soreness in my ass and my back, and I felt really sick. It was hard to tell if it was just guilt sickness or if I was actually about to throw up because of all the alcohol I'd consumed. Fortunately - unfortunately? - my questions were answered when I suddenly keeled over and puked all over the pavement. I wretched for another ten minutes or so before I got it all out, and then I just felt spent. 

 

I kept going - at a very sluggish pace - shivering and sniffling. I don't know how I'd let my night turn into such shit, but it was all my fault. Why was I being such a baby? Why am I such a fuck up? 

 

And just like that, all my sorrows turned into anger, mostly towards myself. I walked quicker with a determined stride, finally reaching a busier street, lined with all kinds of businesses. Just down the road was a twenty-four hour coffee shop.

 

I rejoiced.

 

I thanked the heavens.

 

I cracked a tiny victory smile.

 

The gush of warm air was just what I needed to relax my incredibly tense muscles, all tight and wound up from the cold and stress. I didn't even give the employee working the graveyard shift a second look, just stormed right past her and into the guy's washroom. There, I was able to clean the sticky tears, snot and bile off my face, which was a relief. I washed the horrid taste out of my mouth, using my hands as a tiny cup.

 

When I walked back out of the bathroom, freshened up, I approached the woman at the counter. She didn't look too much older than I. 

 

"Hi, uh... Can I... Can I used your phone?" I cursed my lazy tongue. I hated not being able to function properly no matter how hard I tried to clear the alcohol-induced haze over my mind.

 

The woman gave me a knowing look. "Yeah, one sec." The woman went to retrieve the cafe's cordless phone, handing it to me when she returned.

 

I dialed the only number I could think of, cringing as I held the phone up to my ear. The lady behind the counter moved on to some meaningless task, giving me some privacy. I was thankful for that because if I knew one thing, it was that this would not a be a pleasant conversation. 

 

"Hello?" Came the confused, yet alarmingly alert voice of my sister.

 

"Mikasa." I blurted out, sounding stupidly relieved to hear that she'd answered. "Hi."

 

"Eren? Where the hell are you? It's almost four in the morning!" She sounded furious. 

 

It was hard to think with the way the ground was tilting beneath me, or maybe I was just really tired. "Shh, Mikasa, please stop shouting. It's annoying." I answered, the alcohol evident in my voice.

 

"Are you drunk?!"

 

"Uh-huh."

 

" _Fucking_ \- You're such a fucking idiot, I can't believe -"

 

"Heeeyyy, Mika, I don't really think I can stay awake if you keep yelling at me so I'm gonna hang up."

 

" _Eren!"_  


 

With a click, the line was dead. I placed the phone on the counter with an appreciative nod towards the coffee-lady before stumbling back out of the little shop. It didn't even fully register in my head that I was supposed to ask Mikasa for a ride, which meant I had no way of getting home. I just really didn't feel like dealing with her at that moment.

 

I stuck to the main road, figuring I could follow it 'till something looked familiar. Maybe I'd find a map or something.

 

I began to wonder why the alcohol hadn't worn off; aren't you supposed to sober up after you throw it all up? I was still drunk as fuck, so I blamed it on the insane number of shots I'd downed that night. I can't even remember how many, but it was enough to impress the people I was drinking with.

 

_Fuck me and my ego. I need to stop letting my pride get the best of me and start pacing myself._

 

It was dark and quiet. A car passed once in a while, but not much else happened. I was getting tired of walking, tired of everything in general, and my eyelids started drooping. I was dragging my feet, barely conscious, when I heard a car pull up beside me. A nice looking man, seemed to be in his thirties, was rolling down his passenger side window to speak to me.

 

"Hey, kid, you alright?" The man asked with a worried smile.

 

"Um, yeah... Yeah, I think so."

 

"Well, where are you headed? It's awfully late."

 

I swung my head in both directions, an obviously lost expression on my face. "I... Don't know." I told him pathetically. 

 

The man chuckled. "Do you need a ride?"

 

I contemplated his offer for a moment, trying to weigh the pros and cons in my head, but I couldn't concentrate. I tried to convince myself that there was a reason that I shouldn't get in this kind stranger's sleek, black car, but I couldn't remember why. I was cold and my feet hurt like a bitch and I could barely stay awake. This seemed like a gift from God.

 

I nodded and approached the car door, opening it and slumping in the front seat. My head rolled sideways to give him a grateful smile. "Thanks."

 

"No problem." He sounded genuine. This man was nice. He wouldn't hurt me.

 

The warmth of the car enveloped me in its comfortable caress and within minutes, I couldn't keep my eyes open. So, I let this kind man take me home while I slept peacefully, completely forgetting about the fact that I'd never even told him my address. 

 

***

 

A pained moan escaping from my mouth is what woke me. 

 

" _Shh_ , it's okay." Came the husky voice from above me, but when I opened my eyes, I couldn't see anything. Slowly, my body became aware of the soft mattress beneath me, the pressure on top of me, the pain in my ass. Information just kept pouring in, too fast, and with each new fact I gathered, I became more and more alarmed. 

 

I was aware of the distinct feeling of skin against skin, the rocking of two bodies committing an intimate act. But where was I? Who was on top of me? It hurt so much and I couldn't figure out how this had happened. 

 

I cried out at a particularly deep, painful thrust. Finally, my eyes were adjusting to the darkness in the room and I was able to make out the features of the person causing me so much pain, smiling hazily down at me, proudly. 

 

He was proud of what he was doing to me.

 

"Get off of me!" I shouted at the man, the same man who'd seemed so nice when he'd offered to drive me home. _I'm such an idiot!_  


 

My shouts only succeeded in helping the man reach his peak. I was crying as he gripped me so tightly it left bruises and pounded into me hard and fast. He wasn't even using any lube! 

 

"Stop!" I gathered the last of my strength - my body was so weak, it was pathetic - and started kicking and squirming, trying to buck the man off me and wiggle out of his death grip on my arms. It was too late though, because with a loud, drawn out groan, I felt the man shoot his come inside me.

 

I cried harder.

 

The man's grip loosened as he lost himself in pleasure, so I took the opportunity to rip his hands off me and scoot back on the bed. His dick slipped out of my rectum and I brought my leg up and kicked him right in the groin. 

 

Ignoring the pain shooting through me, I pounced on the man - who was screaming in agony - and started punching him as hard as I could in the face. Each hit sent a jolt of pain through my arm, but I didn't stop. One after another, his face bruised and bled. Even after the man stopped struggling and I couldn't feel my hands anymore, I kept going. My sobs echoed through the room as my hits got weaker and slower, slowly tapering into nothing.

 

And then I realized that I was naked, straddling another naked man. I didn't check to see if he was still alive, although I'm pretty sure he was, I just scrambled off the bed and frantically searched for my clothes. It was hard to see through the blur of tears but somehow I found them and shakily got myself dressed.

 

As I rushed out of the bedroom, I considered borrowing the man's phone to call someone, but ultimately decided against it and hurried out the door.

 

A sob of relief bubbled out of me when I recognized the area that I was in; a neighborhood about 15 minutes away from where I live. I set off towards home at a brisk pace, crossing my arms to try to keep myself warm in my t-shirt and to hold myself together until I got home.

 

***

 

"Eren!" Mikasa was on me like a dog as soon as I walked through the front door. I didn't even falter, just pushed right past her to get to my room. "Tell me where the hell you've been!"

 

I'd managed to stop crying on the walk home, but I knew that my eyes were probably puffy and red and my hair was a mess. I didn't think I could keep from outright sobbing again if I tried to speak, so I kept my mouth clamped shut and marched across the house and into my room, locking the door behind me. From there, I just collapsed on the bed, Mikasa banging on the door behind me and demanding answers while I cocooned myself in blankets and let the tears fall freely from my eyes.

 

I was horribly disgusted with myself and I desperately needed a long, 2 hour shower so I could get the dried come and filth off my body, but I didn't want to risk coming out of my sanctuary while Mikasa was still on a rampage. I just hugged my knees to my chest and cried, my eyes squeezed shut as if that would somehow block out all the noise my sister was making. I must've been pretty tired, because I don't even remember passing out soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	5. I Hate Myself, But That's Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm counting down till I see you next.  
> I still compare everything to your silhouette.  
> How can I forget what is perfect?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The summary (along with every chapter title) is from another Basement song, because I feel like their lyrics just tie in so well with this fic.
> 
> Also, don't you just hate when you don't know what Levi's feeling/thinking? That's basically this whole fic. You better hate it so much that you love it.

A knock on my bedroom door roused me from my restless sleep.

 

"Eren? What happened? Why won't you let me in? Please just open the door."

 

The memories of this morning came rushing back at full force, making my head pound and my stomach twist. I jumped out of bed, ripped the door open and ran past Mikasa, kneeling in front of the toilet just in time for my body to try to purge the guilt and disgust from inside me. All that came up was horrible-tasting stomach acid.

 

I heard Mikasa stomping toward me so I kicked the door closed with my foot and quickly leaned over to lock it. 

 

Mikasa let out a growl of frustration, pounded on the door and demanded that I open it, but I ignored her and continued dry-heaving into the toilet.

 

When I was done, I curled back up into the fetal position and cried myself back to sleep.

 

***

 

When my eyes lazily slid back open a few hours later, I didn't move right away. I stayed perfectly still, listening over the sounds of my own breathing to check carefully for any movement outside the bathroom.

 

A minute passed in heavy silence before I finally sighed and pushed myself up from the floor. I stood in front of the mirror and frowned at my reflection, grabbing my toothbrush to brush the awful taste out of my mouth.

 

The longer I stared at myself, the more my stomach sank in self-hatred. I looked like shit, and I felt even worse. Eventually, I couldn't even bare to see myself look so pathetic, so I stripped down and hopped in the shower.

 

***

 

I didn't stop to see if Mikasa was somewhere in the house; As soon as my long-ass shower was done, I quickly dried off and ran to my room to find a fresh pair of clothes. Once dressed, I walked as quietly as I could towards the front door - Mikasa nowhere in sight - slipped my shoes on and left.

 

I didn't know where I was going, but I wasn't surprised when I figured out where my wandering feet were taking me. 

 

It was such a nice day out, bright and sunny - in stark contrast with my mood - and all it did was make me feel worse. I didn't want bright blues and hot, stagnant air; I wanted my stormy grey, cold and relentless. 

 

I felt a squeeze in my heart when I found Levi sitting outside the restaurant where he works, off to the side of the building where no one could see him except people walking from my direction. My gut twisted with a confusing mixture of emotions; guilt, love, hatred, sheepishness, self-doubt. But then he looked up, and his eyes met mine, and everything fell away as I lost myself in their ever-comforting grey; cold, but never cruel.

 

I didn't think twice about the wave of relief that washed away everything else I was feeling, because what reason do I have to question my love for this man? He's Levi, he's perfect and beautiful and amazing. Any doubts I've had about him never have any real weight once I see his face, hear his voice, and fall in love with him all over again.

 

I know Levi, and I know he's a good guy. It's not his fault that I'm unloveable, undesirable, good for nothing but a simple fuck. Atleast he's nice to me, y'know?

 

"Levi." I breathed out with a smile.

 

"Eren." Levi responded without a change in his stony expression. He took another drag on his cigarette. "Did the rest of your night go alright?"

 

Just like that, the lightness in my chest collapsed along with my smile. I sank down and sat beside Levi on the curb.

 

"It was okay." I said quietly.

 

"No it wasn't." Levi shot back, same monotonous voice as ever. His eyes held mine, cool and calculating, his expression showing me that he knew I was full of shit.

 

"Well, where did you go?" I asked, changing the subject.

 

"I had to leave. Stop trying to dodge the question."

 

"But that doesn't even answer my question!" I whined, but he was having none of it.

 

Levi stared for a long time. Even after I averted my gaze down and to the side, I could still feel his eyes burning holes into the side of my head. I could tell he was waiting for something, an explanation maybe, but I had nothing to give him.

 

Usually, I'm honest to a fault. I have a hard time thinking before speaking, drawing boundaries between what is appropriate to say out loud and what isn't. I've never had trouble getting my words out. But no matter how much I wanted to open up to Levi, to cry and let him hold me, I couldn't form the words. I couldn't make myself say out loud what had happened last night, because that would make it real.

 

Or maybe I was just afraid of Levi's judgment. What if he decided that I was just some whore who let himself be taken advantage of by middle aged men? What if he thinks that I made up the entire story just to make him feel guilty for leaving me alone at a party?

 

Whatever the reason, I remained silent. Levi smoked, inhaling and exhaling, radiating indifference while I shook lightly and kept my lips sealed tight. I concentrated on keeping my breathing even, on not crying even though I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

 

And then Levi let out a long, smoky, drawn out sigh and I looked back at him. He was pulling a pen out of his pocket, and then he reached over and grabbed my hand. I gasped as he tugged my arm into his lap.

 

He uncapped the pen with his teeth and using one hand to hold my arm down, he used the other to scrawl a series of numbers across the light skin of my forearm.

 

"That's my number. Call me next time something happens."

 

My jaw dropped and I stared at him open mouthed, unable to comprehend such an act of kindness. Did this mean he actually cared, even just a little?

 

The tears where finally spilling over, falling down into my lap and streaming down my cheeks. I cried and sniffled and stared into Levi's eyes, trying to uncover the meaning, the emotion tied to his actions, but his expression hadn't changed.

 

"Th-thank you." I choked out between sobs, and the next thing I knew, my face was pressed into the crook of Levi's neck, his arms wrapped tightly around my torso.

 

"No need to thank me, brat." He murmured, rubbing soothing circles on my back. I let myself be held, supported by the man I loved. I let go of everything, just for a moment, and allowed myself to be happy.

 

After a few minutes had passed without either of us moving, I lifted my head to get a good look at his face. "Am I only allowed to use this number for emergencies?" I asked, hopeful, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that Levi would want to talk to me on a regular basis. I would probably annoy him with all my pointless texts and lonely phone calls.

 

Levi looked contemplative for a moment. "No, I guess not." 

 

I watched him for any hint that he was joking, or for another meaning, but Levi stared right back, unwavering. Slowling, my lips pulled up and stretched into a wide grin. I quickly adjusted my position so that I could hug him back properly; instead of sitting beside him, now I was straddling his lap, arms around his neck and squeezing hard.

 

"Affectionate little shit." Levi complained, but kept his arms circled around my waist as I rubbed my cheek against the top of his head, enjoying the silky feel of his sleek black hair.

 

"You're my favourite person." I replied, earning a quiet chuckle that made my heart soar.

 

"I'm everyone's favourite person." Levi announced cockily.

 

A few more minutes passed without any change.

 

"Okay, brat, my break's over. Time to go."

 

My heart sank once again. "Okay." I replied thinly, freeing Levi from my weight so he could get up. 

 

"Stay safe, kid." he said before turning to head inside.

 

"I'll try." I whispered back.

 

***

 

I didn't go back home. Instead, I let myself wander, both my feet and my mind. It was all I could do to avoid thinking of things that I didn't want to deal with, so I conjured up sickeningly sweet fantasies in my head to keep me occupied. Images of Levi and I - holding hands, watching movies while we snuggled on the couch, saying "I love you" and having the other say it back - all played through in my head, like a movie that overlapped what I was really seeing.

 

I walked all across town, not even really paying attention to where I was going. Why would I want to concentrate on what was happening in the real world when I could focus on the little crinkles in the corners of Levi's eyes as he laughed contentedly in my daydreams? 

 

Before I knew it, the sky was getting dark and a glance at my phone told me it was already ten o'clock at night. Levi had just gotten off his shift. 

 

Snapping out of my lovesick haze, I turned around in a circle, trying to get my bearings, but I had no clue where I was. Memories of the night before began resurfacing, popping up like fucking whack-a-moles - no matter how hard I tried to squash them down, they jumped right back up to attack me.

 

The dark street I was traversing looked a whole lot like the one I'd been walking along last night and soon, I couldn't even tell the difference. Panic started to course through me as the night played through in my head, blending itself with what I was seeing now until I was convinced that I was just reliving the whole thing over again.

 

My breaths came in harsh sobs, I was choking on air, but I couldn't stop my feet from carrying me forward along the same path, like I was cursed to keep going even though I knew what happens next. 

 

Every time I heard a car approaching from behind me, my whole body tensed in anticipation; this is the part where the car stops beside me and asks if I'm alright, and then for some reason I agree to get in his car.

 

But none of the vehicles that come my way stop, the drivers don't even give me a second glance as they speed off to wherever the hell they're going. They all torture me, riling me up for nothing until I stop relaxing at all. Whether I can hear another car coming or not, my shoulders are tense and my balled fists are trembling.

 

Finally, I can't take the anxiety anymore - the erratic pounding of my poor heart, the wobble in my knees and the crippling fear of what? Cars? Walking down the street in the evening? - and i just kind of stopped. I stopped walking, stopped thinking, stopped everything and sat down.

 

I crossed my legs and rested my hands in my lap, closed my eyes, and told myself to get a fucking grip. I can't seriously be this afraid of nothing.

 

Before I had time to doubt myself, my hand was reaching into my back pocket, pulling out my phone, and dialing Levi's number. Thankfully, none of the numbers scrawled across my arm had smudged.

 

"Hello?" Came the flat voice on the other end.

 

"Levi?" In that word, I heard how shaky and ultimately pathetic my voice sounded, and took a deep breath that I'm sure Levi could hear on the other end. 

 

"Eren? Are you okay, kid?"

 

I exhaled, long and slow, before answering. "Yeah. I just... Wanted to hear your voice." _Shit_ , that sounded clingy and affectionate, but I guess Levi's used to that by now. My voice was still unsteady, though. "Um, sorry, I just-"

 

"It's fine, brat. What are you up to?"

 

I looked around - still lost. "Oh, I'm just... sitting."

 

"Sitting?" Levi repeated, sounding a bit amused.

 

"On the sidewalk."

 

"And why are you sitting on the sidewalk, brat?"

 

"I'm lost." I admitted with a sigh. "I have no fucking idea where I am."

 

Levi chuckled quietly, almost too quiet for me to hear. "Can you tell me what's around you?"

 

I looked up from my hands and did another survey of my surroundings. A lady walked by me on the sidewalk, shooting me a confused glance before continuing on her way. "Um, well there's a hotel not too far from me - Titan Inn - and..."

 

"Titan? I know where that is, I'll come get you."

 

"W-what?" I sputtered. "No, really Levi, you don't have-"

 

"I'll be there in ten." Levi interrupted, and then the line went dead.

 

Sure enough, exactly ten minutes later, Levi's car was pulling up beside me, the passenger side window rolling down. I tried to look grateful, but all I could see was a different car, a different man in the front seat, and I couldn't move. I was still sitting on the

sidewalk, staring up at Levi as he waited for me to get up and get in. Instead, I burst into tears and hid my face in my hands.

 

I tried to tell myself it was just Levi, but my body wouldn't listen. And when I heard the car door open and close, and then felt Levi's hand on my shoulder, all I could do was flinch away and cower.

 

"Oh, Eren." Levi tutted, as if he understood everything that I was feeling - which was crazy, but somehow it helped. I felt him sink down behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and pulling me against his chest so I was sitting between his legs. He held me tight and placed a gentle kiss on my neck, and I knew that this didn't mean anything other than simple comfort to Levi but I couldn't help but melt in his arms, snapping out of my episode. Levi was here, holding me and showing affection even though he had no obligation to do so, and it fucked me up so bad.

 

It made me cry harder, because he could just do whatever he wished, while I would never have what I truly wanted. And I couldn't do anything about it because I was so fucking hooked on this man, he ran my life like heroin. I needed him, I needed to be close to him, and if I wasn't around him for too long, it made me physically ill.

 

Fuck, I don't want to want him, because all it caused was pain. It hurt so much. I wanted to push him away, out of my life forever, but - what am I saying? No I didn't. I would never push Levi away. I love him and I need him. So I let him hold me and caress me, and I forced my frown into a smile because there was only one emotion I should've been feeling at that moment: elation. Levi was taking care of me, and who knew how long this affection would last before he gave me the cold shoulder again.

 

"Come on, babe, let's go." He murmured.

 

I mourned his closeness as soon as he let go, but got up and followed him into the car anyways. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo.. I'll admit, I'm usually stoned when I write this, and then I edit it when I wake up in the morning/afternoon/evening. But now I'm grounded and my mom has me on fucking lock down because reasons, and now I'm not sure if my writings going to change or not.  
> Like, I have the next few chapters written, but I wonder if, for the chapters after that, my writing will get weird (normal?) while I'm going sober for a while.  
> Science experiment?


	6. Sweep Me Underneath The Chair.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fucking, some fighting, some feelings.
> 
> Also: drugs!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look another chapter

 

I followed Levi into his apartment for the second time; the place was looking pristine as ever. I made sure to take my shoes off at the doormat, just as he did, before following him to his little living room. He sunk down into the couch with a happy sigh, patting the spot beside him, and I didn't hesitate to get over there and curl myself into his side.

 

All I felt was gratitude when he slipped his arm around my shoulders and held me against him.

 

"So, do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?" The way he said it, he sounded like he already had half an idea, and that scared the shit out of me. I didn't want him to know how far I'd fallen. I don't even know why keeping this secret was so important to me, but I would've done anything to hide what I'd done. I'd let that man lure me in and take advantage of me because I'm too stupid to make proper decisions, and I knew this was all on me.

 

"N-not really..." I told him carefully, hoping he wouldn't get frustrated with me.

 

"That's fine." He dismissed easily, making my heart inflate. He grabbed the remote and turned on the tv, flipping through the channels dismally before settling on the news. Then, he turned his head to look at me, squinting his eyes, furrowing his brow, like he was studying something complex. "You know what? I have something that I think will help you out."

 

Levi stood and disappeared into his room, coming back a few moments later with what was obviously a bong. It was made of clear glass and was decorated with gradient rings of rainbow colors from the base to the top. It was small, maybe a foot long, and the bottom was filled with water.

 

Levi came to sit beside me, placing the bong and a little round metal container on the coffee table in front of us. 

 

"Have you ever smoked weed before, Eren?" Levi asked.

 

"No..." 

 

"Do you want to?" 

 

I contemplated my choice, but not for long. Honestly, it was just weed. What could go wrong?

 

"Yes."

 

Levi smiled, opening up the metal container. "This is a grinder." He explained, pulling a dime bag from his pocket and opening it up. He pulled out a few chunks of green, breaking them up so they fit in the grinder.

 

Once he'd ground up all the weed into tiny little pieces, he opened up the grinder and packed a bowl.

 

"Here, since it's your first time, I'll take greens." I didn't even know what that meant, but I watched attentively as he went through the whole process, making sure I could see what he was doing. "See, you have to suck just hard enough to hear this bubbling noise," he placed his mouth at the top of the bong and sucked, making the water bubble. "but no harder. And make sure you place your mouth so it's air tight."

 

He grabbed his lighter and started lighting the weed, sucking from the top. I watched as the chamber filled with white, milky smoke, and then he stopped lighting, took the bowl out, and cleared all the smoke in one go. A few seconds passed, and then it was like he deflated, letting the smoke seep out his mouth and nostrils.

 

  
_He looks like a dragon,_ I thought giddily.

 

Next it was my turn, and Levi held the bong in front of me. "It's okay, I'll light it for you." He assured, as if he knew I was nervous about screwing up.

 

Levi flicked the lighter, igniting a little flame. "Okay, now suck." I placed my mouth to the top and sucked lightly, like he showed me, feeling proud when I saw the bong start to fill with smoke. I sucked for as long as I could, and then saw that Levi removed the bowl. "Suck hard!"

 

I inhaled the rest quickly and then felt a harsh burning in the back of my throat. I couldn't help it; I coughed out a big cloud of smoke and then proceeded to hack my lungs up, coughing so hard it felt like my throat was on fire. 

 

Wordlessly, Levi set the bong down and stood from the couch, rushing to the kitchen and coming back with a large glass of ice water. "Here." He said and handed it to me.

 

He giggled softly while I chugged the whole glass as if I'd never had a drink before. I felt weird and my throat hurt. All I knew was that as long as I was drinking water, I was okay.

 

Meanwhile, Levi was packing himself another bowl and then smoking it. I observed his technique, admiring the way he could finish the whole thing without coughing at all.

 

"How do you feel?" Levi asked, eyelids hooded and a small smirk on his face.

 

I thought about it for a moment. I felt really strange, like my whole body was pulsating. My mouth was extremely dry, even after all that water, and it felt like I was going to throw up, but instead of anything coming out, it felt like whatever was in my throat was moving backwards. Like I was puking back into my stomach. It's hard to explain, so I came up with the best analogy possible and broke into a huge grin.

 

"I feel... Like a backwards volcano."

 

Levi burst into a round of giggles, and I laughed along. "What the fuck, Eren?"

 

I just shook my head, because I didn't fucking know where that even came from. All that mattered was that Levi was all giggly - because of me! - and it was cute as hell.

 

"Ugh, Levi, I feel really weird." I complained, because I thought that pot was supposed to mellow you out, but I just felt disoriented and kind of sick.

 

"Yeah, you probably do." He leaned in close, using a hand to shield his mouth as if someone might be watching. "Wanna know a secret?"

 

"Okay." I perked up, the slight nausea I had been feeling already forgotten.

 

"My theory is, the real reason that people brag about smoking weed all the time - like they're proud of it - is because it feels so shitty the first few times that once you actually get to the point where it starts feeling good, it's like this big accomplishment. But nobody ever talks about those first few times, because they don't want to feel weak. We all just pretend it never happened. So there's this huge lie, that everyone thinks weed will make you feel great, when really, the first time you try it, you either don't get high, or you feel sick. It's like... A conspiracy. Everyone who smokes weed is lying to you, man."

 

"Wow..." is all I said, because I wasn't even sure if I was following everything Levi was saying, but it felt like some kind of a big revelation, like Levi had just solved the secret to the universe, and I was here to witness it. It didn't help that Levi's cute little droopy eyelids and his laid back stoner voice - I'd never heard him sound so laid back - were _so_ fucking attractive somehow, which made it nearly impossible to pay attention.

 

"Yeah, I know." Levi said.

 

For what felt like the next hour - I have no idea how much time actually passed but it was probably only like ten minutes - Levi and I fell into silence, both of us staring off into our own little worlds. I got lost in my thoughts, thinking about everything and nothing all at once. Then I would catch myself, and ask, _Why am I just staring off into space? What was I even thinking about?_ But I wouldn't even be able to remember, and I would get lost in my thoughts all over again just trying to figure it out. When I finally realized that I kept getting myself stuck in that stupid cycle, I started giggling. A lot.

 

Levi snapped out of whatever trance he was in and looked over at me, his lips slowly stretching into a grin. I smiled right back, and then Levi was crawling on top of me, pushing me down against the seat of the couch and straddling my hips. His head dipped down to press his lips against mine, kissing me slowly and sweetly. I had no protests, so I let my lips meld against his, rolling my hips in time with his as the kiss got deeper and deeper.

 

Off came our shirts, flung aside without any regard as to where they ended up. Levi's lips trailed kisses and bites down my neck, my chest, stopping at one of my nipples to tease it between his teeth. I didn't hold anything back; every sensation was amplified by the drugs, making me moan loud and often. By the hardness pressing against my thigh, I could tell that Levi was loving it.

 

With a cheeky grin, Levi reached behind him into a small drawer built into the coffee table, pulling out a small bottle of lube. I giggled at how prepared he was whenever it came to sex; he was never without the proper tools. I guess it's because sex was pretty much Levi's only hobby.

 

Soon, we were both naked, having wiggled out of our pants and boxers. Levi settled himself between my legs, dripping a bit of lube onto his fingers before leaning forward to place one more kiss on my lips. But when I felt one finger slip through the tight ring of muscle down there, suddenly everything felt wrong. I didn't want to do this anymore.

 

At that moment, the man on top of me wasn't Levi, he was the man of my nightmares. What would've normally felt pleasurable made me want to cry out in agony. I didn't want this; I wanted Levi to stop, but his finger kept thrusting in and out.

 

Levi slipped in a second digit and it hurt, much more than it should've, and I remembered how my rapist had torn me open. I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I looked up at Levi, pleading silently with my eyes for him to stop. But he wasn't paying attention. He was lost in his high, running on pure lust.

 

So I told myself to suck it the fuck up and take it like a man. Levi didn't bring me here to coddle me, he brought me here to fuck, so that's what I was going to do. It doesn't matter what I want, because all I want is Levi. Any way I can get him. 

 

_Fuck dignity. Fuck emotions. And fuck these stupid flashbacks._

 

I pulled all my dark thoughts into one corner of my mind and then sealed them off, burying them so deep that they wouldn't resurface until long after I'd finished giving Levi what he wanted. My moment of weakness had really only lasted a few seconds, not long enough to alarm Levi, which I was thankful for. Once I was ready - and Levi had already added a third finger, making sure I was thoroughly prepped - I pulled his hand out of me and pushed him back. His eyes snapped up to meet mine in surprise as I climbed on top of him, grabbing the lube from the table and pouring it over my fingers.

 

Those steel grey eyes, pupils dilated in desire, never left me for a second while I pumped his cock in my hands, slicking it up before lifting and positioning myself over it. I held his gaze with mine as I slowly lowered, enveloping him in the only pleasure I knew how to give.

 

Once I was fully seated, I lifted myself up and then pushed back down, feeling proud when Levi's eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a low groan. I continued on, bouncing on his cock and rolling my hips. Finally, I'd found my prostate, and then we were both crying out in sheer pleasure. I picked up the pace, relishing the sound of my name being chanted over and over as Levi reached his peak.

 

I let Levi fill me up with himself, continuing to ride him through his orgasm in order to milk every last bit of come from inside him. Only once I was sure he was empty did I let my hand come up and grasp my own member, pumping hard and fast in order to reach a quick finish.

 

By the time my come was spilling over his chest, Levi's eyes had closed and his breathing had evened out, so I took a moment to rest before getting up. A small stream of white fell from my rectum when I got off Levi, his dick falling out of me and resting between his legs.

 

I walked over to the bathroom and cleaned myself up before coming out with a washcloth to get Levi cleaned up too. Taking my time, I admired Levi's beautiful muscles and smooth, porcelain skin as I wiped him down before hoisting him up into my arms and carrying him to bed.

 

Next, I wiped up the mess on the couch - fortunately, we didn't get it too dirty - before throwing the cloth in the laundry hamper in Levi's bedroom. Without anything left to do, I stopped to watch Levi sleep. He looked so peaceful and inviting, and I was feeling so, so tired, I couldn't help myself. I knew he would probably kick me out in the morning, but I crawled into bed beside him and curled myself around his sleeping body anyways. By then, I could barely keep my eyes open, so I let myself succumb to Levi's warmth and comfort.

 

***

 

I woke up to a harsh kick to my side.

 

"Brat, you better get the hell up 'cause I gotta go to work." Complained Levi, and with another kick, I was sent tumbling to the floor.

 

"Ow, Levi," I whined, rubbing my side where he'd kicked. "You don't need to be so harsh."

 

Levi scoffed. "Do you have any idea how long I was trying to wake you up for? Jesus fucking christ kid, you must've burnt the fuck out and fallen into a mini coma."

 

"Was I snoring?" I asked through a yawn.

 

"Yeah. Fucking loud. Now get out."

 

"You could at least say thank you. You're the one who passed out first, leaving me to clean up and drag you to bed."

 

Levi didn't say anything for a moment and I desperately tried to figure out what was going through his head, but as always, his face revealed nothing. Finally, in a quiet voice, he uttered, "Thank you."

 

I smiled wide and untangled myself from Levi's blankets before walking out of the bedroom, buck-ass naked, to find my clothes.

 

"Are you at least gonna feed me breakfast?" I shouted, knowing Levi could hear me, wherever he was.

 

"Hell no!" Levi called from the bathroom. "Get your own food!"

 

"Fine." I huffed. "See you later, I guess."

 

"Yeah." Levi answered, and then I heard the sound of the shower running and I took it as my cue to leave.

 

Walking out of Levi's complex, I pulled out my phone and was surprised to see that I had a message from Armin. We hadn't spoken since I'd gotten angry and sent him that message saying _Fuck you_. He hadn't answered, which lead me to believe that he really didn't feel bad about upsetting me.

 

**[From][Armin]** _Hey, Mikasa and I are having a movie night at my place, at about 8:00. Wanna come? Haven't seen you in a while._

 

And then a few minutes later:

 

**[From][Armin]** _We're both pretty worried about you._

 

Sighing, I tapped out a quick reply, saying I'd be there. 

 

I hopped on the next bus and got home about half an hour later. Curiously, Mikasa was nowhere to be found.

 

I spent the day being lazy, lounging on the couch, mindlessly flipping through tv channels. Six o'clock reared its head and I finally mustered up the resolve to get my homework done for school tomorrow, but when I seated myself down at my desk, all that I really managed to do was stare at the papers and let my mind wander.

 

At seven-thirty, I sighed and headed out the door, disappointed in the embarrassingly small amount of work I'd actually done.

 

The walk to Armin's was peaceful and familiar, the scenery lulling me into an easy calmness, washing happy childhood memories over me with every step. Soon, I was walking up Armin's front steps and the nerves churning in my gut had overpowered the tranquility I'd found.

 

_What if Armin's changed? He spends so much time with those new friends of his, what if we don't click anymore?_

 

I knocked on the door and was greeted by a cheerful-looking Armin. "Hey!"

 

"Hey Armin." I replied quietly. 

 

He waved me inside, leading me into the living room where Mikasa was already cocooned in blankets on the couch, browsing through Netflix.

 

"Hi Mikasa." I greeted shyly, unsure of how she would react after I'd been ignoring her and treating her like shit.

 

To my surprise, she barely even gave me a second glance, her voice flat as she halfheartedly said "Hi."

 

Shocked at how cold she was being compared to the usual hounding of questions I received every time she spotted me, I just stood and openly gaped at her, confusion written all over my features.

 

She didn't even glance over at me.

 

"Sooo..." Armin began, and I guessed it was mostly an attempt to break the tension. "What kind of movie do you guys wanna watch?"

 

"Horror." Mikasa stated immediately.

 

"Mikasa, you know Armin hates that shit." I turned my sights on Armin for support, but he just squirmed under my gaze.

 

"Actually... I've been watching a lot of horror movies with Jean, and they're not so bad."

 

"...Oh." Who the hell is Jean? Why did it look like Mikasa already knew all about this?

 

Without any further arguments, I slumped down on the couch and resigned to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the evening, since apparently, I was so out of the loop that I couldn't even participate in conversations anymore.

 

The silence settled awkwardly over us as Armin sat himself carefully in between my brooding form and Mikasa's pointedly apathetic one. I didn't pay attention to whichever movie they chose, instead electing to stare out the window and sulk.

 

They'd already started in on a second movie when I got a text from Levi. I opened the message immediately, excited that Levi actually wanted to talk to me.

 

**[From][Levi]** _Come over again? I'll let you sleep in my bed..._

I couldn't hold back my smile. Levi wanted to see me again! I wasn't even upset that this was just another booty call, because at least he was thinking about me, right?

 

Just as my mood was beginning to lighten, it came crashing back down at the thought of explaining to Armin and Mikasa why I was ditching them. I decided to try and get out the door as quickly as possible, before they could make me feel too guilty.

 

I stood from my spot on the couch, attracting the attention of my two companions. "Sorry guys, I have to go."

 

"Where?" Armin asked, looking put off by the fact that I had something else to do with my boring life, seeing as my only two friends where sitting right there.

 

"I..." I trailed off, unsure of what to say. I was a terrible liar, and they both knew it.

 

"Are you going to see Levi again?" Mikasa asked, her mask finally falling to reveal the hurt swirling in her eyes. It was like a punch in the gut.

 

"I- Yeah. Yeah I am."

 

"Why are you going to see him at 10 o'clock at night?" Armin asked, looking utterly confused about the situation. He didn't even know that I'd started talking to Levi.

 

"Because he wants to see me." I said defensively, not wanting to admit that he just wanted me to come over so he could relieve himself.

"Eren," Mikasa accused, standing up to face me head on. "Is this a booty call? Are you letting him use you?"

 

The look of disgust and anger on her face lit me with rage. "So what if it is? At least he wants me around, unlike you two! Armin's moved on with his new group of friends and you won't even look at me!"

 

"Eren," Armin's voice was soft, and I knew he was about to say something completely rational that would make all this go away, but I didn't want to hear it. So I turned around and stormed out of the place, refusing to look back.

 

***

 

When I got to Levi's, I didn't encounter anything too exciting. Levi offered me a rip on the bong, to which I gratefully accepted and let the odd feeling of marijuana calm my aching heart. We got to making out soon after, which led to me picking him up bridal style - much to his protests - and throwing him on the bed. Our clothes were once again left in the living room.

 

He didn't hesitate, climbing on top of me as soon as I crawled onto the bed after him so he could tease me and prep me. The whole time his fingers thrusted in and out of me, I found myself unable to tear my gaze away from his lusty expression, the way his cock looked so desperate to be touched.

 

And then he was flipping me over, shoving my face into the pillow and splitting me open without so much as a warning. I cried out, in pain but mostly surprise, which seemed to spur him on. Today it seemed he was in the mood to hear me scream, with the way he was pounding into me hard and fast without mercy. I tried my hardest to keep my dark thoughts at bay, thinking comforting thoughts while I tried to keep my mind off what Levi was doing to me and how much it actually hurt me.

 

I didn't want to let Levi down just because I was being a coward. What's done is done, and deep down, I know that Levi would never do to me what that man had done. Even if it hurt and caused bad thoughts to occupy my head, I let Levi do as he wished with my body.

He deserved it.

I felt a hand reach around my front and wrap around my own erection, and suddenly my mind was going blank and I let Levi stroke me to my peak. We came within seconds of each other, crying out and collapsing against the bed.

 

It wasn't until I lifted my head again that I saw the wet spots on my pillow and realized that I'd been crying. 

 

Levi rolled off me a moment later, pulling off his condom and tying it before dropping it in the waste bin. I mourned his closeness, feeling cold without his skin pressed against mine, but Levi didn't roll back to my side.

 

Sheepishly, I scooted closer to the man, who had his face pressed into his pillow and his eyes closed, tentatively putting my arm over his back, waiting for him to push me away. But seconds, minutes passed, and he didn't. A small smile spread over my cheeks and I hugged him closer to my body, throwing a leg over his.

  
"Levi." I started quietly.

 

Levi grunted in acknowledgement. 

 

"I love you."

 

As soon as the words left my lips, I felt my whole face heating up, burning with embarrassment. I buried my face in his shoulder.

 

Levi's response had me lifting my head again. "I know you do, brat." 

 

I cocked my head, confused by what his comment meant. "I know you don't love me back, but that's okay." I assured him. "Don't worry about trying to spare my feelings."

 

Levi hummed appreciatively, pressing back into my hold. "See? This is why you're my favourite. So understanding and perfectly trained."

 

I knew in my heart that I should be offended by the offhanded way that Levi says this, but all I feel is a burst of pride. I didn't even know what it meant, - his favourite what? Booty call? Sex Toy? - but it didn't matter, because I'd impressed him. I'd satisfied him. Isn't that what's important?

 

All I knew was that I didn't want to let Levi down.

 

I let the room fall silent, content where we'd left the conversation. Soon, it was apparent that Levi had fallen asleep, his breathing even and his posture relaxed. I didn't dare close my eyes, not when I got to hold Levi and pretend, at least for a little while, that we were a real couple. That Levi actually cared.

 

I was a bit startled when a loud buzzing sounded from beside the bed, making me lift my head to find the source. Turns out, Levi had left his cell phone on the bedside table, and someone was texting him.

 

I told myself I was looking out for the man in my arms, checking to make sure nobody needed him for something important, but it turned out to just be Hanji, replying to one of his texts. I snooped anyway.

 

**Hanji** : _What are you doing tonight?_

 

**Levi:** _Idk, feeling pretty bored. I'll probably call someone over._

**Hanji:** _Ouhhh who's it gonna be tonight??? That sexy blond, or maybe that chick with the curly red hair from that party the other night._

**Levi:** _I called the brat again. I think he's my favourite pet._

**Hanji:** _I'll never get it with you and going for the crazies. He's obviously obsessed with you. It's unhealthy._

**Levi:** _But that's what makes it so fun._  

 

**Hanji:** _You just like having people fawn over you._

 

**Levi:** _The kid is good at that. But he has a lot of potential, too. With just a bit of conditioning, he would probably do anything I ask._

 

**Hanji:** _Jesus, Levi. Sometimes I forget what a manipulative bastard you are. Don't hurt the kid, okay?_

 

I felt my gut squeeze, a wave of shame and jealousy taking hold of my mood. How many other people did Levi call late at night? Just how insignificant was I to him?

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. If you think for a second that I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into, you're wrong. I knew I was being used and this just made it even clearer. I didn't have any delusions about Levi one day falling in love with me, even though I wished it would happen. A lot of people would say that I was only causing myself unnecessary pain, giving myself so wholeheartedly to someone who would just use me up and throw me away, but for me, the rewards outweighed the costs. I had Levi in my grasp, even if only temporarily, and while he was fucking me to his satisfaction, at least I could say that I was making him happy. He noticed me, and chose me over everyone else that he could've been fucking tonight. That meant a lot.

 

I pushed any bad feelings away and focused on the good: I was Levi's favourite!

 

I finally fell asleep a bit later, feeling oddly content, wondering what exactly Levi would ask me to do in the future. Surprisingly, I wasn't worried. I knew I'd be happy to do anything, as long as it was for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I try to explain what my first time getting high was like. I come up with shit like 'backwards volcanoes.'
> 
> Anywho...I'd love to know what you thought :D


	7. Well He's Said He'd Show You His Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well he's said he'd show you his bed,  
> And his delights of his chemical smile.  
> So when he broke it home, he broke all your bones,  
> And now you're taking it time after time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is short and shitty, but I'm lazy and stoned and this is the best y'all are gonna get. Hopefully I'll update again soon?

After the night I walked out on my two best friends, my life became nothing more than a little game; dancing around Mikasa when I was at home, avoiding Armin like the plague at school and playing Levi's lap dog at night. We went to parties all over town, getting drunk, dancing, and meeting more of Levi's millions of acquaintances. He refused to call them friends, because apparently, they didn't know shit about him. I understood.

 

Somehow, Hanji always had a new outfit for me. At first, I protested because the clothes were obviously expensive, but Hanji assured me that her parents gave her more money than she could spend and that she had fun shopping for me.

 

I felt self conscious wearing so little clothing, flouncing around sometimes in nothing but a pair of booty shorts, but Levi seemed to love it. After the first few times Hanji managed to coax me into her different renditions of tight shorts, collars and crop tops, it became routine. These became the clothes that I was most comfortable in, the clothes I thrived in. 

 

Looking like a whore, following Levi around like I was his pet, his play-thing, I felt good. People looked at me, lusted after me, wanted me. I could see it so plainly in their eyes, and I became addicted to the attention that I'd never ever experienced before. It's a powerful feeling, knowing that so many people want you and denying them that desire. But not everybody is nice to people like me.

 

I sat on Levi's lap, took the drinks he offered me, let him do whatever he pleased with my body, all while ignoring the unimpressed looks I received from jealous party-goers, pretending I didn't hear the hurtful names they called me as I passed. It cut deep, most of the time, but I didn't let it show.

 

Ultimately, I became so dependent on Levi that it felt that I was only living for the next time I saw him; Levi had taken over my whole life. I spent as much time with him as I could and any time in between was spent waiting for the next time I could see him. I didn't talk to anyone except him and the people he introduced me to. I listened to everything he said and every order he gave.

 

And it was all fine, until things started getting out of hand.

 

***

 

The setting was nothing special; same semi-wealthy host, same cookie-cutter house, same warm beer and loud, pulsing bass. But this time Levi didn't even stop to grab drinks, just tugged me by the wrist through the living room and down the stairs to the basement, throwing a daring look to me over his shoulder, as if to say, " _Are you ready for this_?"

 

_Am I?_

 

There, we met a small group of three people I'd never seen before, all seated on the floor around an old coffee table.

 

"Levi!" One of them exclaimed. "Glad you could make it."

 

"This better be some good shit." Levi replied skeptically, looking like he didn't want to be around these guys any longer than he had to. And I could see why; they were all obviously junkies, skin pale and faces sunken. "I just want you to repay your debt so we can go our separate ways."

 

"Yeah, no problem. And don't worry, you're going to love this." One man agreed with a smile. He pulled a bag of white powder from his pocket and poured it onto the table, using a credit card to split it up into uniform lines. By then, it was apparent what I was getting myself into, but strangely, I didn't feel any reluctance. I just accepted the path that I was headed down, as if I'd known that this is where I'd end up since the beginning. Deep down, I think I did.

 

A rolled up dollar bill was passed around the room, each person leaning over the table to expertly snort several white lines- and then Levi was passing the straw to me. There were two lines left on the table.

 

I didn't hesitate long enough to doubt myself, to let rational thoughts creep in and make me pussy out,  I took the straw and confidently snorted one line after the other. My nostril burned and the taste of chemicals in the back of my throat was awful, but it was soon forgotten when I was suddenly overcome with this great feeling of accomplishment, this strange energetic hum flowing throughout my body.

 

I felt good, so good, like I was living some perfect dream. It didn't matter what I did tonight, I just knew that it would be amazing.

 

The euphoria bubbled up inside me and made me crack the widest smile I've ever worn.

 

It was great. I felt amazing. I was happy.

 

That was the night I met Erwin Smith.

 

It was the night Levi took my hand and we laughed our way up the stairs, two flights, and ran down the halls. 

 

It was the night Levi burst into an occupied bedroom and barked at whoever was in there to get the hell out.

 

It was the night we fooled around in bed, giggling and teasing and wrestling.

 

It was the night I heard the most polite knock of my life, followed by the quiet creaking of the door, a tall, broad man stepping through, approaching the bed with half a smirk and a superior look in his eyes. I lost myself in that look, in the commanding tone of his voice, the roughness of his hands, the power behind his every movement. Levi and I, we were caught in his elaborate game, bent to his every will. But there was no shame in bowing down to such a perfect being.

 

  
_I've fallen past my aversion to sex_ , I noticed - but probably didn't quite word it so eloquently in my head - with my mouth around Commander's cock while I was being pounded in the ass by the man who practically owned me. Sex had a new meaning. It was power, it was a tool, and I used it to get as much time with Levi as possible. 

 

And Erwin, well, he was a bonus.

 

I had two men finish inside me and I felt my universe burst and then piece itself back together. Levi slapped my ass and Erwin tugged my hair, silent approval. I panted hard, smiling, heart beating a mile per minute.

 

I felt so good!

 

Then I blacked out.

 

From there, I don't remember a thing.

 

***

 

The headache came before anything else, throbbing its way into my dreams and pulling me into alertness.

 

My body slowly woke itself up, little things starting up at different times. First, I could feel the aching in my muscles. I felt the softness of a sheet resting on my naked body, and exhaled a sigh, knowing that at least I wasn't fucked up in the middle of nowhere, passed out on the street or something. 

 

Next, my brain was overloaded with pictures, small momentos from the night before. It all came in bits and pieces, and it was up to me to put them in order, which took a lot of concentration. A rolled up bill and a bitter taste in my mouth, my own dazed-looking face in the mirror, the strong muscles and dominant voice of a commanding officer, paired with the comfortable grace of the man I knew and loved. Overall, from what I could remember, the night hadn't been bad.

 

In fact, it had been exhilarating in a way I'd never felt before. It felt like the first night I'd ever spent with Levi, finally experiencing what it's like to be a wild, irresponsible teenager, but amplified. I felt like a bad ass,

 which was embarrassing.

 

And finally, my eyes rolled open and I blinked a few times, taking in the unfamiliar bedroom I found myself in. 

 

This was not the bedroom I last remembered being in.

 

I finally gained the courage to roll over, and came face to face with a man I'd seen before, briefly, with Levi.

 

If I recall correctly, his name is Mike.

 

It's then that I notice the stickiness that covers my skin, the gross flakes of dried come cracking with each movement I made.

 

But I didn't freak out. I didn't cringe, didn't let myself feel any disgust.

 

I'd learned my lesson. I knew if I continued in this lifestyle, waking up in questionable circumstances would become a regular thing, so I handled it calmly.

 

I slipped quietly out of bed, took a look around for my clothes, but settled for a baggy pair of sweats off the floor when I didn't find anything of mine. I hoped Mike - or whoever belonged to this room - wouldn't mind.

 

I thanked myself for leaving my phone at home before showing myself out of this stranger's house.

 

***

 

It was like that party opened the gates for some hellish, drug crazed existence that took over my life without my control.

 

From then on, Levi was offering me drugs, getting me fucked up, introducing me to new friends, and taking me to the bedroom. Sometimes, it was just him. Most of the time, it wasn't. 

 

There were times when Levi pulled me aside before a night out and said, " _Hey, do you wanna try something wild?"_  


 

Of course, I would nod my head in agreement, and that's when he would lay down the terms and conditions.

 

_"All you have to do is spend half an hour with this one guy, make him feel good, and we get our shit. It's simple."_

 

And of course I would agree, because it was Levi. It was always Levi.

 

I felt like a leaf, happy to go wherever the wind took me, banging every guy along the way. It didn't matter what I had to do, as long as I was high enough to stop giving a shit.

 

Cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, acid. I tried a lot of shit. I wouldn't say I became an addict, though. That could be credited to Levi, who was the only one he allowed to give me drugs, and he always monitored the amount he gave me. When I was high, everything didn't hurt so much, and to be honest, I probably would've become dependent on the drugs if I weren't so dependent on Levi. If I had taken responsibility for myself, I'd probably be dead. Levi kept me from over-dosing.

 

School was nothing but a nuissance, and when I had Levi to give me all I wanted, it became irrelevant. With the shitty grades I'd been pulling in, I wasn't going to pass anyway, so I just stopped going altogether. Mikasa was furious with me and my antics, therefore I avoided her as much as possible. When I did run into her though, all she ever did was reprimand, lecture, and worry over me.

 

I got kicked out of my house after stumbling in, high off my ass, one too many times. Mikasa couldn't take it, but she didn't have the heart to call the cops and get me sent somewhere to get help; I was her innocent baby brother, after all.

 

And so, I was forced to come up with a new way to support myself.

 

***

 

Head resting on Levi's chest, leg thrown over one of his, I sighed deeply, dramatically, in that way that says, " _I have something on my mind so you'd better ask about it."_  


 

Levi breathed in once, breathed out once. Breathed in once again.

 

"Mn?" Was the small prompting I got, the deep timbre of his voice amplified by the exhaustion he was sure to have been feeling.

 

"Levi," I began. "What am I to you?"

 

Levi sighed, long and drawn out. Putting off his answer. "...You're my pet."

 

I smiled and nuzzled his shoulder affectionately. The information wasn't knew, but the faint endearment that I told myself I could hear in his flat voice was enough to lift my spirits.

 

"I love you."

 

"I know, brat."

 

"...Levi." I said again.

 

"What." Levi growled drowsily. I'd just let him fuck me hard, he was tired. I was testing his patience by keeping him from sleep, but this was important. 

 

"Can i call you my boyfriend? You don't have to stop fucking other people, or anything! I just - I really love you." 

 

Levi groaned and threw an arm over his eyes. "You little shit... Fine. You're mine for sure though, alright? That sweet ass belongs to me, and I say what gets done with it."

 

My grin couldn't be suppressed and I craned my neck to place a thankful kiss to the corner of Levi's mouth. "Of course. I'd do anything for you."

 

I saw Levi's jaw tighten, clench, his lips press into a thin line and I watched in confusion - wondering if I'd said something wrong - for a minute before Levi finally cracked, releasing a dazzling smile. "Damn, I love hearing that."

 

I fell asleep soon after, still wearing a smile of my own.

 

***

 

Mikasa didn't know where I crashed at night, despite her texts demanding to know so she could 'make sure I'm safe.'

 

The truth is, I lived about 10 feet away from her, in the old shed in the back yard. The door faces the back lane, not the house, and no one ever goes in there, so it was the perfect place.

I had myself a little nest of blankets and a pile of clothes in the corner, which was all I really needed. Most of my time was spent with Levi anyways. He was always happy to let me shower at his place - in fact, it turned him on.

 

Nothing better than a squeaky-clean whore to fuck.

 

I lasted three weeks before accidentally passing out on the lawn in the back before I could make it to the shed. Mikasa found me and forced me to admit that I'd been living right under her nose; it's a lot harder to lie in person, especially when you have a hangover and your sister knows all your tricks. 

 

So that plan was shot to shit, but it's okay, because I wasn't counting on living there for much longer anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beepbooppleaseloveme


	8. If heaven's for clean people, it's fake.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you see how Eren's thought process leads him towards certain actions, and you get to wonder what kind of thoughts drive Levi's fluctuating moods and actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woow im a lazy pile of good-for-nothing. This took too long to post, my apologies.
> 
>  
> 
> Chap. Title: Load me up - Mathew Good Band

It's all about the set up.

 

When Levi called me over, I caught a bus down to his place, let myself in and got to work.

 

He was lying in bed with a book, so I walked into Levi's bedroom, closing the door behind me, and stripped down. When I looked up, his eyes were no longer on the book, but following every sensual movement my body made as the fabric rolled slowly off my limbs. Next, I climbed up onto the bed, crawled my way until I was on my hands and knees right over him, and leaned down to initiate a long, wet kiss.

 

"How does daddy want it tonight?"

 

Levi hummed into my mouth before kissing me again. After a few moments, though, he broke it off and let his head fall soundly into his pillow. "I just want to relax." he sighed.

 

I smiled and kissed him chastely on the lips, and then let my lips follow the sharp line of his jaw while my hands ran down his chest and found the hem off his shirt.

 

"No problem." I whispered and tugged on his shirt a bit, indicating that he had to sit up.

 

He lifted his upper body just long enough for me to pull the shirt expertly over his head before he was falling back again. I pushed the blankets to the end of the bed, scooting myself down so my head was level with Levi's hips, before pushing my fingers under the waistband of Levi's sweatpants and tugging them off.

 

He wore nothing underneath, so I bent to place a soft kiss on the tip of his pretty cock.

 

My eyes shot up to observe Levi's expression, but he was quelling it, putting on a mask so he could pretend that he wasn't affected by the way I trailed my tongue from the base to the tip of his length, the way I ran my hands up the inside of his thighs and squeezed. I gave a little lick to his slit before engulfing his head in my mouth, sucking and teasing him with my tongue. Finally, he let out a ragged sigh-slash-moan, his hips attempting to thrust up into my mouth but I pushed them down.

 

"Fuck, you little brat- ah!"

 

In order to stop his complaining, I leaned forward and took in his whole length, right to the base, before coming back up just as quickly. I repeated this, bobbing my head in a fast rhythm that had the older man crying out. I let his dick assault the back of my throat, pushing him deep and swallowing around him.

 

"Fuck!" I heard Levi breathe out before his hands fisted themselves in my hair, and I lost all control. His hips thrusted upwards and he pushed my head down, fucking my mouth with fast, jerking motions. I let him do what he wanted and concentrated on not choking. I'd had a lot of practice, though, so it wasn't a problem anymore. 

 

Soon, his come was shooting down my throat and Levi's strength was faltering, his movements becoming erratic before finally stopping all together. Without a word, I got out of bed and went straight to the bathroom. I had to be clean if I wanted Levi to kiss me. When I came back, Levi was lying on his back in the same position, eyes squeezed shut but his ragged breathing told me he was still awake. I crawled back over to him on the bed and kissed him with my fresh, minty clean mouth. He kissed me back tiredly before pushing my face away lazily.

 

"It's only eight o'clock, daddy, have you even had dinner yet?"

 

An irritated groan was the only answer I got, so I got up and made my way to the kitchen.

 

Levi is very particular about his food, so I always had to be very careful when cooking it. He didn't like salty food, but if it had no salt at all, he hated it. He liked spicy dishes, but not spicy snack foods. He hated mushy vegetables and abhorred over-cooked meat.

 

I went through his cupboards and found all the ingredients I needed, pulling a few things out of the fridge. 

 

I ended up making spaghetti and meatballs, mostly because Levi had all the ingredients but also because Levi loves spaghetti. Or any pasta dish, really.

 

I cooked the meatballs so that they practically melted in your mouth and made sure that the noodles didn't get soggy. The sauce simmered in its perfect balance of spices before I tilted the saucepan over the spagetti, letting its delicious red cascade over the mundane noodles. And finally, when it was all ready, I piled a portion onto one of Levi's plates, making sure it looked clean and presentable before placing it at Levi's spot at the table.

 

Getting Levi to the table was the next challenge, since he was being a lazy asshole while refusing to eat in bed. Eventually, I gave up trying to coax him and pushed my arms under his neck and knees, pulling him against my chest and carrying him to the kitchen.He whined the whole way there, calling me every name in the book, but as soon as he saw the perfect plate of spaghetti waiting for him, he shut up and let me put him down in his chair.

I went to get myself my own little bit of spaghetti, just enough for a few bites, and sat down beside Levi.

 

"Fuck, this is so good..." Levi admitted, shoveling another bite in his mouth. I beamed at him and we sat in happy silence for a bit, each engrossed in our own plates.

 

I glanced over at him. "...Levi."

 

"What." His response was short and flat, his eyes not even leaving his food for a second. 

 

"Let me move in with you."

 

His eyes flicked up and his narrowed gaze settled pointedly on mine. "No."

 

I let my features fall into my begging face. My lips pushed out in a small pout and my eyes widened in sadness. "Why not? Levi come on, I'll do whatever you tell me! I'll cook you spaghetti and let you order me around in a maid's costume! You can still bring home whoever you want and I won't get jealous. I promise."

 

I saw the gears turning in Levi's head, no doubt weighing the benefits to the costs.

 

"Fine." He finally conceded.

 

I encouraged Levi to eat the rest of his meal before taking our plates to the sink, getting back just in time to push Levi back in his chair before he could escape to his room. 

 

To show Levi how much I appreciated everything he did for me, I let him fuck me against the table, moaning out his name as if he was the god I worshiped.

 

Hell, he pretty much was.

 

And then he let me sleep in his bed, and he let's me call him my boyfriend and he's letting me live in his house and how could I not be happy?

 

"I love you." I said out loud into the pitch black room, head resting on Levi's chest.

 

"I know."

 

***

 

The next day, I went and got all my clothes and the few things that I own from the shed. Levi gave me a box to put them in, which we kept in the corner of the bedroom.

 

Every time Levi entered his room, I saw the little frown that formed when he saw the box sitting there. I couldn't tell if he was unhappy about me being here or if he just really hated that box, but I tried to compensate either way.

 

Clothed in only a pair of tight, lacy red panties that Hanji bought me, I grabbed some cleaning supplies and got to work. I scrubbed down the bathroom and the kitchen, making sure I did my absolute best to impress Levi. Next was the living room, where I fluffed the pillows and made sure everything was in order. Left for last was Levi's room and I walked in nonchalantly, like this was an everyday thing. Levi heard the sound of my footsteps approaching, so when I walked in he was already trying to speak to me, nose still buried in whatever he was reading.

 

"Hey, what the fuck's up with all the noise out there? I can hear you fluttering all around the-" Levi's vocal cords abruptly stopped working when I bent over to pick up the laundry basket, giving him a full view of my backside.

 

_I guess he finally looked up from his book._

 

"What are you wearing?"

 

"My cleaning outfit." I told him matter-of-factly.

 

"You're cleaning?" Levi asked, his eyes still on my ass even though I'd straightened back up and was now wiping down the night stand. 

 

"Is there a problem with that?" I asked innocently.

 

He growled. "Yes."

 

I finally let my eyes find his, giving him a smug little smile. "And what would that be?"

 

"Stop being a little shit and get your ass in bed. Now." He commanded, voice rough and gravely. 

 

I complied with ease, serving with a smile on my face.

 

***

 

"Levi." I began, just as I always do.

 

"What." Levi prompted absently, just as he always did.

 

"What would you do if I started sleeping with other guys? Without permission, I mean." I asked, just for the fun of it.

 

We were lying in bed, bathing in that short-lived after-sex glow. Levi lay in the middle of the bed on his back, and I was curled up to his side, head on his chest, arm thrown over his stomach, one leg entangled in his. At my question, I felt his hand almost imperceptibly tighten its hold possessively where it had once been lightly resting on the thigh that I had him trapped under. 

 

But his voice remained unaffected. "Why? Planning on finding a new sugar daddy?"

 

I pressed a kiss to his bare chest. "No, I only want you, Levi. I was just wondering."

 

Levi scoffed. "Yeah, that's what I thought, brat." 

 

That night, instead of me just clinging to him, Levi held onto me, too.

 

***

 

I woke up with Levi's arms still hugging me close, his leg over mine in order to press him self closer to me. I felt hopeful, more than I'd felt in a long time, that maybe Levi would grow to love me back.

 

My mind and heart were both in a positive place that morning, but my body just felt off; every movement I made felt oddly sluggish and my skin was hot, but I was shivering. Honestly, I felt too sober to function. I didn't dare tell Levi, though, because he was the only one who had any say in what I put in my body. I figured that if he wanted me to do drugs, then he would give them to me, and I didn't want him to know I was craving anything other than him.

 

I watched Levi's relaxed face and soaked up his warmth for about half an hour before Levi opened his eyes, saw me smiling down at him, scowled, and then ducked out of bed. Straight to the bathroom he went, hopping into the shower without so much as a "Good morning."

 

Not that I expected one.

 

He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, and looked extremely uncomfortable every time I even touched him. It was almost as if he were traumatized after showing any sort of affection for me, like his heart couldn't take the fact that he might, just might, care for me.

 

Levi left late in the evening to "Get some air.", looking positively disgusted by something. I didn't know what had happened, or what I'd done, because all we'd been doing was sitting on separate couches while I tinkered with my phone and he pretty much just scowled at nothing, lost in his own thoughts. I noticed him peeking over at me every so often, giving me despairing and frustrated looks when he thought I wouldn't notice, before finally he stood up abruptly and stormed out the door. 

 

He came back an hour later with a girl under his arm. "You can sleep on the floor tonight." Levi whisper-commanded as he passed me in the kitchen and I gave him one firm nod of the head. I wanted him to trust me, so I didn't want to argue about him bringing someone over.

 

I didn't dare lay down on the couch, because if Levi wanted me there, he would've said it. I grabbed the big, cozy blanket off the couch and curled up on the floor of the living room.

 

Soon enough, I could hear a quiet chorus of moans floating out of Levi's room accompanied by the rhythmic squeaks and groans of Levi's bed frame. 

 

When I'm drugged up, it doesn't matter so much who Levi fucks in front of me. I'm too out of it to care. But now, I felt the jealousy gnawing at my stomach, forced to listen to Levi get his pleasure from someone else while I slept on the floor like an animal. It was like a show of dominance, as if Levi had seen my hopeful expression this morning and decided to put me in my place.

 

That's all I am to him, right? A loyal, loving pet that would continue to follow him even if he kicked me and treated me like garbage.

 

I tried to close my eyes and block out the noise in order to get to sleep, but it was no use. My brain wouldn't shut off, as if it wanted to torture itself listening to the disgusting noises that woman made while being fucked by my boyfriend. So I sat through the whole thing, listening as the moans got louder and more frequent, and I could finally hear Levi above that other bitch. I heard him reach his climax and felt the disappointment ripple through me at his loud cry of pure bliss.

 

They stayed in bed for a while after that, long enough to convince me that the woman was sleeping over, but then I heard some giggling, and soon the bed was creaking and Levi's whore was moaning like a porn star- That is to say, she sounded fake and annoying. But that might've just been the jealousy speaking.

 

This time, Levi finished and I heard him murmur a few quiet words before the door to the bathroom clicked shut. Within a few minutes, the woman was walking down the short hallway towards the door, looking rumpled and tired. She didn't notice me, sulking on the floor like a kicked dog. 

 

I tried to figure out what Levi said to her before he got into the shower, taking the slightly upset look on her face into consideration. Only one phrase came to mind, and it made me wonder how many people he'd repeated it to.

 

  
_"Thanks for the fuck._ " I said to her in my mind just as she walked out of the door.

 

I remained in place while Levi took his shower and got ready for bed, keeping my eyes closed just in case my body decided to let me sleep. But the small apartment fell into deafening silence, Levi all settled in bed, and I became restless.

 

I felt it work its way through my muscles, tensing each one and making me even more alert than before. At first I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or why this was happening, but then I recognized the clench of my teeth and the way my hands curled into fists. I was angry.

 

I was angry at Levi for making me sleep on the floor, I was angry at Mikasa for forcing me away from my bed, I was angry at myself for letting this all happen, for letting Levi make me jealous, for letting that girl touch Levi, for letting myself love Levi so much and for letting Levi have so much of me without giving any of himself back.

 

...You have no idea how much I hated myself.

 

Before I even made the concious decision to get up, I was already on my way toward the bedroom, opening the door just enough to slip past it, taking careful steps up to Levi's bed. One hand lifted the covers while I sat down gently on the bed, reclining backwards until my head touched the pillow. I pulled my feet onto the bed and then lay still as a plank of wood, waiting with baited breath to see if Levi had woken up.

 

As time passed, I grew more and more relaxed, until I finally got up the courage to roll over and take a look at Levi.

 

The covers rustled and I winced at the way the bed dipped under my weight, but I followed through on the motion and got comfortable on my side before taking a peek at the slumbering man.

 

Except, he wasn't asleep.

 

His eyes were open, staring straight up at the ceiling as he lay on his back. There was a disconcerting lack of emotion on his face, even for Levi. This mask revealed nothing.

 

I tensed up and froze all over again, causing Levi's gaze to flicker over to me. I had no idea what I should've done, but I was panicking, afraid that he would get mad or kick me out or worse, that he would ignore me. So I scooted closer, burying my face in the crook of his neck, placing my curled fist on his chest and sneaking one leg between both of his.

 

All was silent for a few moments, and then Levi's chest deflated with a long sigh. "Why are you in my bed, brat?" He asked, sounding rather indifferent.

 

"Because I didn't want to sleep without you." I answered honestly, lifting my head so I could see his face.

 

"What if _I_ didn't want to sleep _with_ you?"

 

My breath caught in my throat and I felt instantly sick at the suggestion, but quickly covered it up by giving Levi an inquiring glance. "What _do_ you want, then, Levi?" 

 

Levi looked caught off guard, his eyes widening almost imperceptibly in surprise. By my tone, he knew I wasn't asking what petty thing he wanted at the moment, but what he genuinely wanted in this backwards relationship, and what he was trying to prove with this strange display. He looked annoyed by my asking, but regardless, he contemplated the question for a moment before answering. I saw his face soften up, like he was about to admit something truthful, something that he'd never said out loud before, but then the mask fell back over his face and every one of his features hardened cruelly.

 

"I don't know." Levi told me in that harsh tone of his, the one that warns you not to push him any further. I believed him, though. I could see it in his eyes; he was lost.

 

"Do think you'll ever fall in love?" I asked wistfully. 

 

"No." 

 

My curiosity got the best of me. "Why not?" 

 

"Because." Levi snarled.

 

I knew I shouldn't, but I pushed him anyways. "Because... Why?"

 

"Because I don't want to!" Levi's cracking mask contorted in rage, and it was clear that I'd hit a sore spot.

 

I was quick to place a soft kiss on his chin. "I'm sorry, Daddy. There's just so much I don't know about you."

 

"Whatever." He dismissed moodily.

 

"I love you."

 

"I know." Levi replied, sounding strangely melancholic with just those two words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?   
> Feel free to yell at me for taking so long if u want


	9. You Wanna See How Far Down I Can Sink?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And now, you wanna see how far down I can sink?  
>  Let me go, fuck!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as a few of you may find familiar, I went through one of those periods where nothing is interesting and I don't really have any desire to do much at all. I'm trying, I really am, to get back on track. But I'm not very good at it.  
> In other news, I'm about to get kicked out of 3/5 classes I'm taking this semester, so maybe that'll motivate me to get off my ass?
> 
> Enjoy this piece 'a shit right here.
> 
> Chap. Title: This is How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance

 

Levi was gone when I woke up, nowhere to be seen in the cozy apartment. I worried that I'd upset him last night, so I tried to be productive in order to stave off all my fears.

 

But the _What if_ 's couldn't be tamed, just as it'd always been.

 

  
_What if he's angry at me?_ I wondered while scrubbing the floor.

 

  
_What if he never wants me to sleep in his bed with him again?_ I asked my clueless brain as I threw another load of Levi's laundry into the washer.

 

  
_What if he never comes back?_ I questioned deliriously, staring at the clock in the kitchen, _tick tick tick._ Hours and hours had passed and Levi was still gone. He wouldn't answer his phone or reply to my texts and I was going crazy. As in, hands shaking, hair pulling, teeth grinding, _stop talking to yourself you fucking lunatic_ kind of crazy.

 

"It's fine, he'll come back soon." I drawled soothingly at the clock, watching the minute hand impatiently. "It's fine."

 

***

 

Levi stumbled in at one in the morning, fucked up on who-knows-what and dragging a tall, buff guy behind him. They passed right by me, wrapped in a blanket on the carpet, but neither of them saw me.

 

I had to listen to Levi get fucked so hard he screamed, had to hear all the disgusting things the other man grunted out and tried to excuse as 'Dirty talk.' All the while, their heavy breaths, heated moans and gasps and the musical creaking of that fucking bed played as background music to my own self-hatred.

 

I sat with my back against the couch, fingers clutching the blanket to my chin, silently hating everyone and everything. It felt strangely like the nights I'd spent awake, staring at the wall and trying not to cry while I listened to my parents fighting in the kitchen. They yelled and screamed at each other, always blaming the other for something so insignificant, and I remember feeling so full of anger, feeling it build up inside me until it almost became something tangible.

 

But mom was dead now, and dad never left his room when he was home, and I know I would give anything to have that back. To have a family again.

 

Maybe I wouldn't be clinging to a man that likes it when I call him 'Daddy.' Maybe I wouldn't like calling him that, either. 

 

***

 

I waited for it to stop.

 

Every night was a different one night stand, another round of agony.

 

Sometimes he didn't come home, and I could only assume he was getting fucked at someone else's house.

 

Other nights, Levi fucked whoever he brought home and then kicked them out before coming to find me. I gave him all I had, made him feel as good as I could manage, let him break me over and over again with a smile on my face. And then I'd take a look at his unimpressed expression and knew that I'd be sleeping on the floor again.

 

Once in a while, Levi would include me in the fun he had with his mysterious partners, using me as a toy for their own pleasure. I wore sexy clothing, I sucked cock and spread my ass cheeks without much more than a pointed look from Levi. Sometimes his friends were much too rough and they left bruises, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. I even liked it, if Levi was the one to leave them, because the marks he left on my body made me feel like I belonged to him. But when it was one of Levi's lovers, I just let my mind wander while they had their way with me.

 

I waited for it to stop, but the weeks came and went and it started to seem like Levi was doing this just to bother me. He treated me so coldly, like I was no better than any of the other whores he brought around. But I knew I was his favourite. He said so himself.

 

I began to wonder why he wished to hurt me so much, and the answers that manifested in my brain made my head ache and my gut twist with worry.

 

A month passed, each day filled with Levi's unyielding scowl, aimed at me with such anger in his eyes, like I was physically causing him pain when all I'd done was ask if I could sit beside him on the couch. 

 

But there was only so much I could take, and I'd had a month to simmer in my little puddle of hatred on the floor. The anger built itself up, eating out the core of my being until one day, I realized that I didn't want to make Levi happy anymore. I wanted to hurt him the way he was so obviously trying to hurt me.

 

I didn't understand why he hated me so much and it killed me. It made me so pissed off, I wanted to make him watch while I crushed his heart under my foot like it was nothing.

 

So I left. I yelled "Fuck you!" into Levi's empty apartment and then walked out the door. 

 

But see, I couldn't really hurt Levi. Not yet anyway. The pent up disquiet inside me was brimming up, taking over everything I did, and it didn't matter who it was anymore, I just wanted to fuck some people over and cause a little pain.

 

 

And what do you know? I ran into one of my prime targets at the fucking Liquor Mart, with his little group of buddies, gearing up for a 'super fun night!' I was there to get cheap alcohol and drink myself stupid before going to hunt Armin down myself, but this was a pleasant surprise.

 

"Hey Armin, what are you up to?" I asked as I sidled up behind Armin and his friends in line. "It's been so long!"

 

"It has!" Armin exlaims, polite as always, but I caught the skeptical squint of his eyes; he was trying to figure out why I was being so pleasant. "I'm just about to have a bonfire with a couple of my friends."

 

I trailed my eyes over the group, trying to look mildly lonely. It wasn't hard, considering my mood and the fact that I hadn't interacted with anyone who wasn't fucking me stupid in over a month. "Sounds fun. I'm glad that you're so happy."

 

Armin looked guiltily down at his shoes for a moment before his head popped back up and he was offering me a tentative smile, "Would you... Like to come?"

 

I widened my eyes as if I hadn't been planning for this to happen since we started the conversation. "Sure!"

 

***

 

On the drive to wherever we were going, I observed Armin's friends silently. Jean was driving, Armin was sitting shotgun, Connie, Sasha and Annie sat in the middle seats and Reiner, Bertolt and I were squished in the back.

 

I understood quickly that Sasha and Connie are dating, and noticed that Sasha hadn't stopped eating since she got into the van. Reiner was confident and loud, and most likely had a crush on Bert, but it seemed Bert was interested in Annie.

 

I took note of the way Armin subconsciously leaned towards Jean, angling his body ever-so-slightly in Jean's direction, the way Armin giggled in a way I'd scarcely heard before at everything the other boy said. But it was Armin's fidgeting fingers and big, beaming grin that gave it away completely: Armin wanted Jean's cock. Bad.

 

 

I snorted at the tangled mess that was this rag-tag group's love life. They were all a bunch of idiots.

 

We arrived at the small farm that was apparently owned by Reiner's family and trickled out of the van. Mr. Buff got a fire going soon after, in the fire pit a couple meters away, and we all took our places on the logs that surrounded it. Armin and I sat on one with Jean right between us.

 

Conversations formed within the group and I tried to contribute to them as much as my slow brain could allow me. Right away, it was apparent that Jean was the kind of high school douchebag who thinks that he can get any man or woman he wants. That explains why Armin was probably too shy to ask him out, and why Jean seemed to be flirting hardcore with anything that moves, including me. 

 

All it took was a simple request. "Hey Jean, can you help me get some more firewood?" He agreed easily and Reiner pointed us in the right direction, out on the other side of the barn, away from everyone else.

 

We walked together in silence and got there quick enough. I let my body trail closer to Jean's as we came to a halt. "Um, actually... I have to go to the bathroom first. Would you mind coming with me?"

 

"I guess..." Jean agreed uncertainly. I grabbed him by the hand and began running towards Reiner's cozy little house, a little ways away from the barn.

 

Reiner had informed us that no one was home, so we quietly walked in the door and I led Jean down the hall, choosing a door at random and closing us in. It turned out to be the guest bedroom, judging by how clean and impersonal everything looked.

 

"I think you chose the wrong door, Eren..." Jean trailed off, staring in confusion down at my hand holding tight to his. I might've thought that Jean would turn me down by the way that he looked so puzzled, but I knew that he was just a horny idiot who needed things to be spelled out for him.

 

So I pushed him back against the door with a smirk. "No I didn't." 

 

Just as I observed his eyes widening in realization, my lips were pressing against his and he was kissing me back, just how I knew he would.

 

I broke off the kiss to give him a filthy look. "I want you to fuck me, Jean." I whispered and was delighted by the way his pupils dilated deliciously. I could feel myself growing hard, seeing how much he wanted me at that moment.

 

He was pushing me now, ripping my shirt off while I handled my jeans, and as soon as all my clothing was off, I was toppling back onto the bed. Jean wasn't too far behind, and soon he was climbing on top of me and resuming our kiss as if it had never been

broken.

His dick rubbed against mine heatedly as we fell deeper and deeper into each other's clutches, but I knew that this had to be quick, so I grabbed Jean's hand and pushed his face away from mine in order to slip two of the boy's fingers in my mouth. I sucked and slathered them in spit while Jean looked so turned on it probably hurt.

 

With a pop, his fingers were released, moving themselves toward my bottom. I was glad that Jean wasn't a total idiot and he knew what to do with them.

 

He worked quickly, stretching me open just enough so I wouldn't tear when he pushed himself inside me, but honestly, I was so used to being handled roughly that it didn't even matter. 

 

After a bit of prepping, I sat up and pulled Jean's long fingers out of me, smiling at his troubled expression while I pushed him onto his back, spread his legs and took his pretty cock in my mouth. Bobbing my head a few times, my tongue ran along the pulsing vein that ran his length and made sure his dick was all slobbered up before letting it slip out of my mouth.

 

Jean let out a whimper at the loss, but took the hint and sat back up so he could get to work. I turned around so my ass was in his face and wiggled it a bit to get him moving.

 

His dick poked at my entrance before sliding in, a strained groan forcing its way out of him. A few seconds passed, nothing to be heard but the eager breaths escaping the man behind me as he tried not to lose himself. 

 

The first few thrusts were agonizingly slow and unsure, like he wasn't one hundred percent certain that this was what he was supposed to be doing. But then Jean found his stride and he settled in at a slow pace, pulling almost all the way out before slamming himself back in. I urged him to go faster by rutting my ass back against him, moaning lewdly. It had the desired affect, and I felt one of Jean's hands roam up my side while the other grabbed a handful of my ass. He tightened his grip when both hands reached my hips and he began speeding up.

 

I moaned and mewled, albeit not as loudly as I would around Levi, and Jean chanted my name while ramming himself into me. It didn't take long for him to reach his peak, but the guy had a few manners it seemed, because he reached around to pump my neglected erection and made sure I came before pulling out.

 

The boy slumped in a heap of exhaustion and hormones on the bed, but I wasn't even fazed by the physical exertion anymore and there was no way I wanted to cuddle with one of Armin's asswhipe friends, so I went to find the bathroom to clean myself off.

 

When I made it back to the campfire, sans Jean, everyone looked up and stared at me.

 

"What?" I asked, disconcerted by their weird looks. _Damn, Armin has some creepy ass friends._

 

"Where's the firewood?"

 

"The wha- _Oh!_ Yeah... I didn't feel like bringing any. Too heavy."

 

Armin's eyes narrowed in suspicion, glancing over my too-funny-to-fix bed hair and my rumpled clothes. "Where's Jean?" 

 

"He got tired and needed a nap." I replied innocently. I wasn't trying to be sneaky or even smart. If Armin wanted to find out the truth, he would find out the truth.

 

But did Armin really want to know what I was not-so-subtly keeping from him?

 

"I hope he gets back soon then." Armin dismissed and I cracked a wide grin. Because my best friend was too pussy to ask if I was sleeping with his crush. 

 

The poor kid made it so easy for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	10. Nothing  Hurts Harder Than Finding Out The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And everything you said to me was just a lie,  
> something to make me feel good inside.  
> Nothing hurts harder than finding out the truth,  
> about the one thing you thought you knew."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay another chapter. Godbless.  
> Sorry it's so short. :( I'm trying.

It was too fun.

 

All I had to do was flirt a bit with one of Armin's or even Mikasa's so-called friends, and I could always manage to lure one of them into privacy. 

 

Each night, it was a new opportunity to sneak around and sleep around. I fucked Mikasa's friend, Annie, when Armin (begrudgingly) asked if I wanted to come to my own house for a 'visit'.

 

  
_Fuck you, Armin_ , I thought at him, but I came anyway.

 

It was my first time seeing Mikasa in a while and I remained pleasant for her and her friends. I smiled politely and pretended to have seen the error in my ways, but underneath, I was boiling in jealousy and anger. Little did they know, while they were eating up every humble word that fell from my lying mouth, I was seeking every opportunity to fuck with them that presented itself.

 

They were both so obvious about who they were swooning over, I couldn't even be blamed for taking that person away from them. Once I'd gotten ahold of 'em, fed them lies and empty promises, those cocksuckers didn't even give Armin or Mikasa a second glance. 

 

I watched cynically while Annie, the pretty little shy girl with a mean scowl that had been subtly flirting with Mikasa, lost all her confidence after I told her that she was awful in bed. I left her alone in my old room to go back downstairs and continue visiting Mikasa. The poor girl got dressed and rushed out of the house soon after, mumbling a quick apology to my sister. She used to be a virgin, too.

 

Mikasa saw the glare that Annie aimed at me, but all she could do was stare confusedly while I shrugged like nothing had happened.

 

One by one, I snatched up the people they'd grown attached to. I whispered lies in their ears, convincing them of how horrible my sister and my best friend were to me and everyone else, how they'd kicked me out on the street simply because I refused to be bullied by them anymore. I told them that I was trying to make amends with my childhood friends, and they all took pity on me and told me that I should find friends that would truly appreciate me.

 

I had to hold in a sarcastic chuckle at those words.

 

Every one of Armin and Mikasa's friends told me that they would be my friend in the place of those two. They told me that I was a good person, and that I deserved to be loved. They told me that they would stop talking to the two that had caused me so much pain.

 

I reveled in the attention showered over me, in the needy stares of the ones I took to the bedroom. I showed them just enough care to keep them close - except of course the ones like Annie who didn't matter anyway - but truthfully, I hated them. Jean, Marco, Reiner, Thomas, Mina... I hated them all. They were no different than all the other assholes I'd spent my life being tormented by. They latched onto the rumors and lies I fed them so quickly, just as everyone had when the lies were about me.

 

They had me, with all my experience in giving someone what they needed, while I got nothing. They had their night of kinky, spur-of-the-moment sex and it kept them coming back, as if I would give those greedy sons of bitches more.

 

Sometimes I did, if it worked for me. But I never gave them even the tiniest bit of myself to hold onto. I didn't tell them how I felt, I didn't share any secrets, I didn't show them any more affection than I had to. These precious things were all for Levi, when he would take them.

 

They didn't even know the biggest secret of all; each of the people I seduced thought that I was sleeping with them and only them, which was downright laughable.

 

The greatest reward that came with my rebellion, though, was the frustration and anger I saw in Levi's eyes. He was still bringing home his one night fucks, so I kept leaving and coming back looking like I just got fucked in a closet. Which I did.

 

And it drove the short man mad.

 

I stopped crawling into bed with him after his guests left. I was always conveniently absent when he was in the mood for a threesome. I stopped telling that asshole that I love him, even though it hurt a little bit.

 

I still cleaned, still cooked, and at the end of the day, I cocooned myself up on the floor, slid on a pair of noise-cancelling headphones that I 'borrowed' from Jean, and let myself drift to sleep.

 

I had to try so hard to ignore the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - whether I wanted to tell him I loved him or that I hated him - that I took it out on Armin's friends. I told this kid who was pathetically in love with Jean, I think his name was Marco, that Jean was sleeping with some mysterious stranger. The story was, I saw them kissing outside a restaurant and watched them get into Jean's minivan. He seemed pretty torn up about it - you know those kinds of people, who are so openly and visibly upset and just need to be shown some kind of comfort - so I made him feel better. By shoving my dick up his ass.

 

That kid was the worst when it came to making me feel guilty about fucking him and leaving. The look he gave me was more shameful and self-conscious than all the others. It didn't stop me for a second, but it made me believe that Marco deserved better than me and Jean.

 

***

 

Everything came to a collapse one day, about two months after I'd started messing with Armin.

 

I'd made sure that all of his friends slowly stopped talking to him, until all he had left to whine to were Mikasa, Jean - who I'd purposely kept around - and myself. The boy was taking it harder than I thought he would, but it was all in good fun.

 

Armin invited Jean and I over to have a lazy night in, so there we were, all huddled together on the couch and watching some boring ass movie that I could care less about. Armin sat against the right arm of the couch and Jean sat on the left side with me in the middle. Our host only had two blankets in the living room, so Jean offered to share one with me. I tried not to look smug while Armin tried not to look jealous.

 

We tried to keep it PG in front of Armin, but underneath the blanket, Jean kept his hand on the inside of my thigh. I smiled at the gesture and returned it, moving my hand at a snail's pace up his leg and to his groin, gently palming his hardening member just enough to keep his attention off the movie.

 

I asked Armin to make us some popcorn, so he paused the movie and I sat silently while he went to find some in the kitchen, knowing full well that he wouldn't find any. I'd checked.

 

"Sorry, guys, it looks like I'm all out." Armin apologized when he returned to the living room.

 

"Oh." I sounded and looked as disappointed as possible and watched as Armin's face grew more and more apologetic.

 

"I can quickly run to the store, if you want- It wouldn't take long." Armin offered, desperately trying to please his only friends left. I could tell he was afraid of upsetting us and was being extra cautious; I wonder what he thought he'd done to make all his other friends leave.

 

"Would you really?" I asked, arranging my face to look surprised and grateful.

 

"Of course! I'll be back soon, don't worry." And with that, Armin was heading off.

 

Just as the door closed, Jean was attacking my neck, biting and sucking. He knew the drill by now: as soon as we were alone, he could have me however he wanted me. He'd become bold, and not to mention greedy.

 

I turned to face the boy, dislodging him from my neck in order to pull his face up and slot his lips between mine. We made out for a few moments before I disentangled myself, stood up and gestured for him to follow me to where I really wanted be right then.

 

"Isn't this Armin's bedroom?" The leach asked as I closed the door behind us.

 

"So what?" I retorted with a smirk, pulling Jean closer so I could lift his shirt over his head. He didn't argue any further, thankfully, and he was easing his cock into me shortly after. I'd trained him to get past the preliminaries as fast as we could in order to get to the good part before someone found us - public sex was kind of my thing - so by now, we worked quickly and efficiently together.

 

"When d'you think A-Armin will be back?" Jean grunted out as he rolled his hips at a fast pace, stroking me in time with his thrusts.

 

"Not for a while." I answered, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down for a quick kiss. "Keep your thoughts on me, you greedy boy."

 

Jean began moving quicker, moaning loudly, keening my name. He was practically folding me in half, pushing my knees up in order to get a better angle. It was some of the best sex I'd had with someone other than Levi; the way he was hitting my prostate over and over again paired with the anticipation of what was to come had me reaching my limit far quicker than normal.

 

It didn't matter, though.

 

I heard the faint sound of the front door opening and groaned loud enough to keep Jean from hearing it close. I knew that I'd also been loud enough for Armin to hear, so when the door swung open to reveal the shell-shocked boy, tears already gathering in his eyes, I wasn't surprised. But Jean was.

 

"Oh my God.." Armin sobbed, looking absolutely betrayed. Jean froze up and tried to ease himself away from me, but I kept my ankles crossed behind his back and tightened my legs around him.

 

With the way he was jerked slightly forward, it looked like Jean was still going, and I watched Armin's eyes fill with disgust before he backed out of the room.

 

I let Jean jump away from me a second later and lazily rolled out of bed. Then, I took my time getting my clothes on, as opposed to Jean, who whipped them on at record speed and ran to find Armin.

 

"Fuck you, Jean!" I heard Armin scream soon after. "Get the fuck out of my house!" 

 

It took a few more wails to get the kid to leave, but by then I was fully dressed so I sauntered out to have the inevitable talk with Armin. Looking like the petulant, rule-breaking teenager I am, I got comfortable on the couch and looked up at Armin with uncaring eyes.

 

"In my own bed, Eren? Really?" He sniffled.

 

I sighed, bored. "You have a comfy bed."

 

"Fuck you! You knew how I felt about him! And you just... How? Why?" Armin sputtered.

 

"How did I fuck him? Well, I don't know... I just kind of-"

 

"How could you do this to me?!" he screamed.

 

Finally, I let the loathing that I felt for the boy show, enjoying the way he stepped back at the intensity of my glare.  "How did you say it, again? _'Sorry, but I just wanted you to know how it felt._ '" I mocked, quoting the text he'd sent to me so long ago, the one that had fueled all this anger from the beginning. 

 

Armin looked enraged, practically shaking with anger. "How what felt?! I never did anything to you!"

 

"You really don't know what you did, you fucking prick? _Really?"_  


 

Armin looked unsure of himself for a second, but quickly replaced the doubt with more anger. "No, I don't."

 

"I wanted you to know what it feels like to be ignored by the people you called friends! I want you to know what it's like to be alone, because that's what you and Mikasa did to me. So I told all your friends lies about you and Mikasa and made them hate you like they should!"

 

Armin was looking at me like I was a moron. "You don't actually think that your actions are justified, do you?" The look I gave him must've convinced him, because next he exclaimed, "You do! You delusional asshole! How can you think that we deserve any of this? Because I got fed up from being constantly ignored and yelled at by you and your temper? Because Mikasa couldn't stand seeing you so doped up on drugs that you were completely incoherent? Fuck, Eren, just..."

 

I scowled at him. "Just what, Armin? What?!"

 

"Just get out! Get out, and don't talk to me again. I can't take it anymore, Eren. You need help, because something is obviously not right in your head." Now, Armin just sounded completely done with everything, like he was done with me.

 

"I'm perfectly fine! It's everyone else that has a problem!" I yelled, pissed off about what he'd said and how easily he could just dismiss me, again. I took one look at the near-pity on Armin's face and decided it was time to get out of there. 

 

"It's always been everyone else." I said stubbornly, pulling the door open.

 

"No, Eren, it's always been _you_." I heard Armin refute sadly before I slammed the door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think about everything so far?


	11. The Darkness Here is Comforting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of Erwin Smith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh it's official, I suck at this. These updates probably won't ever stabilize, unfortunately. I just can't do it.  
> Enjoy the chapter though.

 

What the fuck does Armin know? How the fuck could he even try to assert his opinion when he's the one who decided that I wasn't worth dealing with anymore? 

 

_"No, Eren, it's always been you."_

 

The words echo in my head like a broken fucking record, and it makes me want to tear my ears off. I hate comments like that, I hate when someone else points out one of my flaws as if I'm supposed to be grateful for their input. It doesn't even have to be anything important - it could be as simple as saying that someone has a funny smile. Now, every time they smile, all they can picture is this awkward grimace that stretches across their face, and they can't think of anything but how ugly they must look with their funny smile. You become hyper aware and start questioning everything you do.

 

I'm not the problem. There's nothing wrong with me. I deserve to be loved just like every other god damned person on the planet.

 

So why can't I find even one person who gives a shit?

 

I felt this great abundance of energy coursing through me. Nothing motivates more than rage, and _fuck,_ I was angry. My hands tensed and relaxed over and over again, begging for me to release some of this anger with a little senseless violence, with a bit of pain, but there was one train of though that captured my attention more than any of these urges. I wanted to go destroy things - destroy myself - but more than that, I needed Levi. It didn't matter what he'd done to me, I just needed him back so I could fit my body against his and forget for a while.

 

I wanted us to be comfortable again. I wanted to feel like I had a home.

 

I stormed all the way to the appartment and was surprised to find Levi on the couch when I swung the door closed with a bit too much force. He looked up immediately and scowled hatefully at me.

 

Ever since I'd started my little tirade, Levi and I had grown more and more distant. One of us was almost never home at the same time, and when we were, I could tell Levi was upset with me and I knew he could see the anger in my eyes too. 

 

But today, the closeness I'd once had with Levi was what I craved, what I desperately needed. Seeing him give me such a harsh look cut me right open and I could feel the tears threatening to fall.

 

I hurried over and collapsed at Levi's feet, the tears brimming over as I rested my chin on his leg. "Please stop being mad at me, Levi. _Please_. Whatever I did to make you hate me, I promise I'll try harder this time and be better." A harsh sob racked my body. "Just... P-please don't hate me anymore."

 

Levi looked unaffected. "Why don't you tell me what you've been doing all these nights, hm? Don't tell me you were whoring yourself to other people when you specifically told me you wouldn't." He accused, studying his fingernail instead of making eye contact. 

 

I could only stare up at him in horror for a few moments, crushed that Levi knew what I'd been doing. I'd originally done it as revenge against him and I hadn't tried to hide it from him, but he'd never directly acknowledged the subject until now.  And I could see now more than ever; this wasn't what I wanted anymore. 

 

Finally, my gaze dropped to the floor in shame. "I'm so sorry, Daddy."

 

"Tch." I looked up at Levi again, but he just looked bored. Like I wasn't even worth his time.

 

For some reason, I felt like explaining myself to him even though I knew that Levi was already done with me. Whether out of spite, or just to get it off my chest, I wasn't sure. "It just... Hurt so much to see you bring home someone new every night while you acted as if I wasn't even... Good enough for you. W-why don't you want me anymore, Levi?" I asked, staring up at him with puppy dog eyes.

 

This only seemed to make Levi more angry. "I thought you told me that you wouldn't get jealous."

 

"I tried! Please Levi, I did everything you asked for a whole fucking month. And now my only friends hate my guts, and you can't even look at me without having a scowl on your face."

 

Levi looked away. "You promised me that you were mine. All mine. And then you go and throw yourself at any horny teenager you could find, and you thought I wouldn't notice?"

 

"Only because you were ignoring me!"

 

Levi just shook his head, looking like if I dug any deeper, tried to find out what was going on in his head, it would physically cause him pain. He still wouldn't meet my gaze.

 

Fed up, I crawled up into his lap, straddling him, and grabbed his cheeks with both my hands. I kissed him on the forehead, the nose, the cheeks, the lips, muttering "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

 

"Fucking brat." Levi glowered, but any trace of the cold hatred I'd seen in his eyes before was gone. "I'm going to have to punish you."

 

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. "Anything you want, Daddy." I purred when we separated.

 

Levi smirked and without any warning, shoved me back onto the floor. I fell with a loud thump and looked up at him with a scowl on my face.

 

"Go to the bedroom, I'll be right there." I started to get up to follow his order, but I was stopped by his voice. "And Eren?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

Levi glared down at me. "Crawl."

 

I rolled my eyes but didn't hesitate, propping myself up on my hands and knees and sending Levi a menacing glare of my own as I began to move.

 

I didn't get very far before a quiet but firm knock sounded throughout the house, the unsettling familiarity of the precise, rhythmic taps causing me to stop in my tracks. A glance at Levi's furrowed brow informed me that Levi hadn't been expecting anyone either, which was odd. Unexpected visitors were not something that Levi enjoyed, and were therefore a bit of a rarity. He wasn't afraid to be a total asshole in order to scare away any poor girl scouts or salesmen that came his way.

 

As Levi started towards the door, I sat down and criss-crossed my legs, seated in a spot that had a perfect view of the door.

 

All was silent in the few agonizing moments it took for Levi to open the door, both of us alert and suspicious of this abnormality. His fingers curled themselves around the knob and twisted cautiously, slow and quiet, before he was able to pull the door open just enough to see who was waiting for him on the other side.

 

"Erwin?"

 

I perked up as the name reached my ears, my body reacting to the sound of those two syllables before my brain could even place them.

 

But it didn't take long to fit the name to a face, and the face to a lean, impeccably cut and gorgeous body. 

 

It was Erwin Smith.

 

"Levi," Erwin greeted pleasantly. "Care to invite me in?"

 

"What for?" Levi questioned, still guarded and unsure.

 

I could practically hear the smile in his voice. "Because I missed you, Levi. Is that such a crime?"

 

"Whatever." Levi conceded and stepped out of the way so the man could enter. I watched eagerly as the man stepped into the apartment and looked around. 

 

He looked as attractive as ever, so good it was almost painful- Painful for me and the semi I was sporting in my pants, that is.

 

His eyes trailed indifferently over Levi's minimalist decor, neither impressed nor disappointed in what he found, until they finally landed their sights on me. The corners of his mouth tugged up into a delighted grin. "And you have Eren here, too. Delicious."

 

"Yeah, and we were just about to get busy. Mind telling me what the fuck you're doing here, Shitwin?" Levi sassed, but the tall man only chuckled.

 

"Like I said, I was craving short, grumpy men and knew just where to get my fix. I come bearing gifts, by the way, so I wouldn't look so pissed if I were you."

 

"Gifts?!" I repeated excitedly while Levi's expression remained unimpressed. "What did you bring?"

 

Erwin smiled warmly down at me and reached one hand into his coat, pulling a rumpled brown paper bag from a pocket on the inside. He tossed the bag to Levi, who opened it up and dumped out its contents onto the coffee table. There were four syringes individually wrapped in plastic and a little bag of white powder.

 

Heroin.

 

I felt my mood pick up at the thought of releasing the warm liquid into my veins. My stomach squeezed in anticipation, suddenly craving the drug with such force, it felt like I was already addicted. It was like walking out into a blizzard at the peak of its chaos; I could feel the shivers down to my bones and all I could think about was getting back to the warmth inside.

 

Levi nodded in approval and went to find spoons; I scrambled to my feet and flung myself at Erwin, wrapping my legs around his waist as he caught me easily in his muscular arms. My lips met his in a flurry, hoping my gratitude would be conveyed through the eager kisses we exchanged. Erwin's hands found their place under my ass, gripping tight and pulling me even closer.

 

  
_"Tch_ , I guess I'll just use all this shit by myself then, since you two seem to be busy." Levi grumbled as he reentered the room. He sounded almost jealous.

 

One more peck on the lips, and Erwin was dropping me on the couch beside Levi. 

 

"Hey!" I yelled and pouted at Erwin, but he wasn't paying me any attention.

 

There were drugs to be abused.

 

Shooting up is a process to get used to, but once you've had a taste of the good stuff, you're hooked. It doesn't matter how much it can hurt, because the utter nothingness you feel afterwards makes up for it, tenfold. When I'm high on heroin, I feel like warm chocolate chip cookies and campfires and soft pillows and Christmas. I feel warm and soft and content, and that's all you could really ask for.

 

So just like that, the drama between Levi and I was swept silently under the rug.

 

***

 

Levi, Erwin and I wasted two days in a daze. Shoot up, fool around, pass out, repeat. Each time coming down was worse than the last, and we tried to savour the euphoria for as long as possible before our supply inevitably ran out.

 

When I finally woke up two days later, all three of us were sprawled on Levi's bed, mostly naked, looking like utter shit. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd eaten, let alone about 70% of what I'd done in last 72 hours. 

 

It's hard to grasp, knowing that there's so much you've done that you can't remember. When you start getting heavily into drugs, the memory problems get pretty bad. It starts to feel like you're living your life just to forget, and I start to worry that in ten years I won't remember these days at all. But then I abandon that train of thought, because, really, does it make a difference? I'd rather not remember anything than have to live with myself.

 

Maybe forgetting is a good thing.

 

***

 

Change can be scary at times, but it's also nice when you notice that your daily routine has once again changed completely. For the better, at least.

 

Instead of long nights spent listening to what sounded like really loud porn on repeat in the next room, feeling lonely and angry, scheming and plotting all for nothing; Levi's icey hatred towards me warmed, and Erwin started showing up more and more. Soon enough, every night was Erwin-and-Drugs night. Rich hunk Erwin swept Levi and I off our feet with his sex-god attributes and his unlimited supply of poison. Whatever we wanted, Erwin could get.

 

I don't know why Erwin decided to become a more permanent fixture in our lives, but he took an interest in us and we were in no place to complain.

 

It was more parties, more sex, more drugged up fuck ups and blackouts in unexpected places. But the difference was that Erwin held us together. Levi stopped running off, and I stopped waking up alone because Erwin cared enough to make sure he rounded us both up before passing out every night.

 

Erwin was the captain of our ship, undisputedly, but Levi was the bratty child that made his own rules and complained about everyone else's. And I, well I was still the well-behaved pet, just where I belonged. It was the happiest family I'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :D


	12. My Mind is Weak and Now it's Wandered Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't deserve any of this," Life tells you while laughing in your face. "Why haven't you given up yet?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look at me updating so soon.  
> I've learned that for me, depression is like stumbling through pitch black darkness: you don't where the hell you're going or what the fuck you're doing until all of a sudden you trip over your own motivation and say, "Where the hell did that come from?"  
> In other words, don't give up.  
> Enjoy another chapter :)
> 
> Chap. Title: Misfortunate - Get Scared

 

Sometimes I feel like a spinning top.

 

_Fuck, I'm really fucking high right now..._

 

But, see, sometimes I feel like a spinning top, helplessly toppling over and over again onto the floor, with nothing to do but roll around and around in fruitless circles until I finally find the right substance; the one that picks me up and sends me spinning once again.

 

Inevitably, I can only crash and burn, over and over...

 

When the world's blurring past, nothing seems to matter. Colours streak by, pleasure, pain, shame. But each one blurs into the next, layer upon layer of tranquility cresting over your soul; _so beautiful_ , you say, _that you could call yourself an art piece_ , slumped in a haze on some filthy concrete floor. 

 

Glamorous, can be the life of someone living it in the clouds, but it's easy to forget how common rainy days can be. You get so wrapped up in those few beautiful days, where your high is just right and everything seems to line up in front of you in an organized fashion; you're willing to overlook the days where the cravings seem to swallow you whole, and it feels like you're being crushed under a large dune of parched Sahara desert sand. " _Water,_ " you demand, " _I need water!_ " but your supply has gone dry and you don't know when it will be back.

 

Sometimes it takes a few hours...

 

Sometimes it takes days...

 

And you start to crack, split, fracture; the withdrawal surprises you every time.

 

How can something that feels so good, hurt me this bad?

 

There's comfort in knowing that you're not the only one hurting. I see it in the bags under Levi's eyes, looking more bruised and sunken as the hours tick by. I see it in the clenching and unclenching of Erwin's muscles- a bicep twitch, a knee jerk, a nostril flare, a leg spasm. He blinks every one-point-five milliseconds to try and counteract the constant build of tears, he sniffles just as frequently for the runny nose.

 

It's a sickness, a disease, that overshadows every thing I do.  When the tremors hit and the nausea curdles my insides, I feel like I'm dying. _Right here, right now, if I don't get something into my system, I'm going to die._ In these moments, there are no if's and but's- you're long past that. You are going to die. You know it.

 

I didn't think I'd ever get addicted to drugs, but now I see how simple it really is. 

 

None of that matters, anyhow, because I slept in Levi's arms every night and Erwin didn't just tell me I was beautiful; he _meant_ it and repeated it again and again with such earnest eyes that I couldn't help but kinda, sorta believe him.

 

***

 

"Erwin, stop it."

 

"No."

 

"Stop it, god damn it!"

 

Erwin's hands sprung away from my stomach, releasing me so I could roll to the other side of the bed and curl up into a ball to catch my breath. "Yeah... Listen... To Levi." I wheezed, just having been through a full on tickle attack.

 

Erwin ignored me and continued to stare at Levi with an annoyed look on his face. "What the hell is your problem?"

 

For the past twenty minutes, Levi had done nothing but sulk on the couch and glare at us as Erwin and I goofed off. He wouldn't say a word, not even to tell us why he was so grumpy. Until, finally, I guess he got fed up with all the noise and came to find us in the bedroom - where I'd been begging Erwin for mercy - to tell us to shut up.

 

"It's hard not to want to murder someone when you guys are running around and screaming like children, so excuse me if I'm in a bad fucking mood." Levi spat viciously. 

 

But Erwin look completely unfazed. "You and I both know that you were in a foul mood even before that. If I had to guess what your issue was..." he trailed off with a hint of a smug smile playing on his lips, eyes casting a fleeting glance in my direction. 

 

"Don't." Levi warned.

 

"I'd say someone is jealous." Erwin finished defiantly.  

 

Could that be true? When I thought about it, I remembered how Levi always seemed to come closer whenever Erwin did, or how he seemed to look even moodier whenever Erwin kissed me, or touched me in any way. In fact, Levi almost seemed to act like a barrier between the two of us, to keep us from growing closer than we already had.

 

I could feel the smile stretching across my face as I continue to spectate their argument.

 

Levi scoffed. "What is there to be jealous of? We both know that Eren worships the ground I walk on. If anything, you're just wasting your time right now with him. I'm the one he wants, isn't that right, Eren?"

 

Just like that, I was caught in the intense gazes of two very powerful men. Levi's eyelids were little slits hiding two molten orbs of fire, watching me to make sure that I was still his loyal puppy. Erwin, on the other hand, looked amused, watching to see if I'd really keep submitting to Levi like I did. He must've thought I was pathetic. 

 

But how could I stop?

 

I didn't have to answer Levi's loaded question, though, because Erwin stepped in before I had time. "You're so cute, Levi." Erwin chuckled. "So abrasive and adamant, yet so weak and transparent. I find it hilarious that you won't let yourself see the truth."

 

"What the hell are you talking about?"

 

Again, Erwin flicked his gaze my way before he shook his head with a sigh at the hopelessness of the situation, walking out of the room and right out the front door.

 

"What a fucking prick." Levi muttered before crawling onto the bed and pulling me towards him hungrily.

 

***

 

About a week later, things had returned to normal. Erwin came back the day after the fight, ready to apologize for poking his nose into Levi's private business. He and I both knew that Levi didn't like to be pushed or prodded into sharing his feelings and thoughts; in fact, he only became more reclusive. Levi didn't say a word to him at first, but after a busy night full of lust and drugs, it was clear that Erwin was forgiven. The tension and awkwardness slowly faded and soon conversations were easy and relaxed and it felt like home again.

 

And so there I sat, stretched limply across the couch, head lolling to one side as I could barely hold it up. Everything was painted in bright, vivid colors and it felt like there was lead running through my veins. My limbs felt heavy and I couldn't find it in me to get up.

 

That was fine, though, because I had everything I needed right here.

 

It's hard to pay attention to one thing when everything in the room is competing for your attention, but I'll try to describe this night as coherently as I can - although a lot of it still doesn't even make sense to me.

 

I was too high to be anything but a waste of space at that point, giggling quietly to myself while Erwin and Levi conversed animatedly on the love seat. Their features swam in and out of focus, and I remember repeatedly covering one of my eyes with my hand and then uncovering it, watching as my vision went from double to normal and then back again. It was so fucking entertaining, I didn't hear a word of what the other two were saying. But you don't need to understand the language to know when the mood in a room darkens, and suddenly their eyebrows were drawn and their lighthearted conversation had turned into some kind of argument. 

 

Levi was quick to jump to his feet, spit flying and fingers pointing, while Erwin shouted right back.

 

"You're such a fucking piece of work, y'know that Erwin?" 

 

Erwin chuckled dryly. "Please, at least I have my life together. I'm not the one who works at some shitty burger joint for a living while playing house with a high school kid just to keep yourself from growing up!"

 

"You have no fucking idea what you're talking about, jackass. And before you get all high and mighty on me, you might want to take a look around and ask yourself if you really have everything together. This doesn't look like a functional life to me." Levi countered, eyeing the incriminating evidence strewn across the coffee table.

 

I don't remember what they screamed at each other next, but before I knew it, Erwin was stomping his way out the door and Levi was on the floor, a needle stuck in his arm.

 

A relieved hiss passed through his lips as he depressed the syringe, releasing the toxins into his veins. 

 

"Want some more?" He asked when he was done.

 

He knew I would never say no.

 

***

 

Your eyes crack open, crusty, glued shut from a deep sleep.

 

Headaches. Shivers. Sweating. Shaking.

 

You're used to it all.

 

Disorientation. Confusion. Fogginess.

 

You're slow, like a computer that's just started up.

 

Bright lights hurt your eyes, but you keep them open anyways. It's time to to start the day whether you like it or not. Get off your ass, take a piss, drink some water... 

 

_Where's Levi?_

 

The bedroom's empty, except for you.

 

_Where's Erwin?_

 

_Oh right, he's gone. I wonder if he'll come back._

 

_Probably not._

 

Roll out of bed and fall onto the floor because you do not possess the strength nor the willpower to function like a normal human being. Drag your sleepy feet, one after the other, out the door, down the hall...

 

And there he lies, asleep on the floor where you left him.

 

"'Morning, Levi." You rasp, making a beeline to the kitchen to get a glass of water. 

 

Feel it travel all the way down your throat, marking its cool path with slippery trails. Refreshing.

 

"Levi? It's time to wake up."

 

Food. _Food would be fucking great right about now._

 

"What do you want for breakfast?"

 

...

...

 

"...Levi?"

 

I dash back over to his motionless body and collapse beside it, fingers fumbling to find a pulse in his neck.

 

_Where is it?!_

 

And then, finally, I could feel the agonizingly slow, worryingly soft beat of his heat. Fuck, it was so weak, I couldn't help but start crying. Whether it was because I was terrified that he wasn't alright, or because I was just relieved that he was alive, I wasn't sure.

 

Now that I wasn't so panicked, I could make out the almost imperceptible movements of his chest taking in shallow, labored breaths. It was clear that there was something very wrong with him.

 

I got up and ran to the phone, trying to keep myself from sobbing so that I could speak intelligibly to the 911 operator. The numbers practically dialed themselves and not long after, a calm, female voice came over the line.

 

I told her all that I could.

 

***

 

As I waited for the ambulance to show up, and then as I watched them strap Levi to a gurney, load him into the ambulance and as we made the long drive back to the hospital, it felt as if I were trapped in my own head. I couldn't get out. It was too full of worried thoughts and a frantic mix of emotions.

 

It took the EMTs and doctors several repetitions before I finally realized that they were asking me a question, my mind was so far gone. I didn't hear the whirring of machines or the constant hustle and bustle of a busy hospital. Seated in the hallway just outside Levi's room, I could do nothing but replay the cycle of worries in my head over and over again while I waited to hear about Levi's condition.

 

By the time I noticed the doctor in front of me, she was reaching down to stop me from banging my head against the wall. I hadn't even realized I'd been doing it - rhythmically throwing head back with just enough power to make a soft thump - I just remember wanting the endless worrying to stop.

 

"You're the one who came here with Mr. Ackerman, correct?"

 

"Yes." I answered in a small voice, watching her with wide and bloodshot eyes, waiting impatiently to hear what she knew.

 

"And you're sure he doesn't have any family that could be here right now?"

 

"I don't really know..." With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realized once again how little I actually knew about Levi - especially his past. 

 

"That's fine." She dismissed, sensing the dark cloud that had settled over my head, brought on by her question. "Well, Mr. Jaeger, it seems that Levi has fallen into a coma; we have no idea how long it could last. So far, we are unsure if he has sustained any serious brain damage, but it's a frighteningly probable possibility."

 

I nodded numbly, unsure of what to say. 

 

Levi was going to be in that hospital bed for who-knows-how-long, and I couldn't do anything about it. Not only that, but how could I even have let this happen? Why did I just leave Levi passed out on the floor like that? Not that I could remember what I'd been thinking at the time, but I felt so fucking stupid knowing that I didn't even have enough common sense to be able to take care of the only person in this world that I truly loved.

 

Hours passed as I sat stoically in the chair beside Levi's bed, shell shocked. My hand never let go of Levi's for a second, except for when I went to the washroom. Life seemed to have come to a stand still; without Levi ordering me around, I really had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't foresee any kind of future for myself without him - or rather, I didn't want to.

 

Days went by without any improvement. I rarely ate, hardly slept. Nothing seemed important anymore. It was just Levi and I in that lonely hospital room, neither of us having anyone left to care. It'd been a while since Levi had talked to Hanji, and I was pretty sure she was off on some drug-fueled adventure across the country. Levi's coworkers didn't even know he was in the hospital; I thought it would be smarter to tell them that he had to visit a dying relative out of town rather than admit that he'd overdosed on drugs.

 

And then there was Erwin Smith, who'd magically vanished off the face of the earth. The first few times that my calls went unanswered, just after Levi had been admitted to the hospital, I assumed that Erwin was just busy. Maybe he wanted some time to cool off after the argument that he'd had with Levi.

 

But after one week - and then two - had passed, numerous messages left on his answering machine explaining the situation, I began to see things in a more cynical fashion. 

 

It started with a simple thought. _What if Erwin's avoiding us?_

 

And like dominos tumbling one after another, suddenly all the innocent assumptions and excuses I'd made for Erwin had fallen on their side. I couldn't stop the anger and resentment from trickling into every crevice of my psyche, filling my head with doubt. 

It was all Erwin's fault. Erwin was the one who put Levi in that bed; the man with the unlimited drug supply and an overly generous personality. He was the responsible one, the smart one; not me. And he was the one who walked out on us and left Levi with no one but me, fucked out of my mind, and his own unforgiving, angry self. Erwin should've known how destructive Levi can be. He shouldn't have left.

 

And now Levi was lying helpless and fragile surrounded in white - Why did everything in this god damned hospital have to be so maddeningly white? - and Erwin was refusing to answer his phone. He'd made no effort at all to contact either of us. I don't know whether he felt guilty for what happened or if he just didn't want to be involved in this mess anymore, but I couldn't forgive him for this.

 

I hated him.

 

  
_Fuck._ Everything that I'd had, the whole life that I'd finally managed to build for myself was all crashing down around me and I couldn't take it anymore. I could feel myself shutting down.

 

What are you supposed to do when time after time, the world takes everything that you care for away from you like it's trying to teach you a lesson? " _You don't deserve any of this_ ," Life tells you while laughing in your face. " _Why haven't you given up yet?_ "

 

That's the question, isn't it? 

 

Your life ends when you finally give up and realize that there's really no point. So why, after _all_ this bullshit, haven't I just let go already, called it quits, thrown in the towel and said, "Fuck this. I'm done."

 

Everything could've been so much easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are what motivate me to keep writing, so please don't be shy <3


	13. Tell Me Where We Go From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Desperate times call for desperate measures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I've never actually written out a plan for any of my stories. I actually have no idea where the story will go when I start it. I just kind of play it by ear and rewrite what I don't like until it feels right. I find it's more unpredictable that way, but maybe I'm just lazy.  
> Anyways, I just figured out how I want this baby to end, and I'm excited. Still got a couple more chapters to go, though.

A month passes by and I can't force myself to go back into that room anymore - to see the face that I hold so dear and know that those gorgeous eyes won't be opening. It's driving me crazy. I've all but stopped sleeping - three hours a night, max - and my body has become nothing but flesh and bones. The only time I leave the hospital is when I need to go shoot up.

 

Levi and I are both deteriorating. 

 

The guilt eats away at the core of my being, tinges everything I do with it's black, sickly aura. Even though I blame Erwin for what happened, I can't help but blame myself as well. I blame the drugs, I blame Levi for being so stupid, I blame the universe for fucking me over yet again.

 

I blame everyone and everything.

 

The cravings don't stop though, no matter how much it disgusts me to even look at the heroin I'm injecting into my body; not now that Erwin has gotten me so hooked.

 

I'm not sure what to do; I have no money, no job and no one to help me out.  It's gotten to the point that I've been vomiting for the past week, after the last bit of supply left at Levi's had all been used up. I want to stay by Levi's side, but if I wait any longer I think I might die. If I stare at those white walls for much longer I think I'll loose my mind.

 

I needed to form a plan and fast; that's how I came up with the brilliant idea of breaking into my own house.

 

Or maybe it wasn't so brilliant?

 

All I needed to do was stroll in through the front door after Mikasa left for school - at this point I was willing to bet that she wasn't very vigilant about locking the door just to keep me out; dad was home and I hadn't shown up around there for months. And if the door _was_ locked, I'd just break open a window or something. After that, it was just a matter of getting the big jar of change and bills out of my dad's room without waking him from his drunken slumber.

 

Of course, once they realized it was gone, it wouldn't be too hard to link the high school drop-out, drug addict son to the robbery, but I was willing to deal with that problem as it came. For now, I was desperate enough try anything.

 

I showed up at about nine in the morning, just over half an hour after Mikasa was supposed to leave for school. Her car wasn't in the driveway, so I assumed I was right. I hoped that with the early hour, Dad would still be passed out cold after a late night of drinking.

 

My breathing stalled as my fingers wrapped around the door handle; I prayed that Mikasa hadn't remembered to lock it. With a simple twist, the door gave way and I quietly let myself inside, jumping for joy in my head. After stepping out of my shoes, I tiptoed carefully towards my father's bedroom.

 

The mixture of nerves and withdrawal had my body shaking like a frightened puppy. I really just wanted to get this over with so I could get my sweet fix.

 

The door opened with a slight creak and I winced as my dad's wasted form came into view, sprawled unpleasantly across his bed. His room was filthy; clothes and junk lining the floors and piled around him on the bed. It made me cringe just thinking about what Levi would do if I let our room get like this- He'd probably beat me.

 

Dad didn't stir as I let myself inside and I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

 

By then, my muscles were wound tight with anticipation and impatience. The longer I stayed in this house, the higher the chance I could get caught. I wanted to get out of this tomb of abandoned memories and finally find the peace that I so desperately needed. I was anxious and I wasn't able to think straight. In my mind, it seemed smart to try and get the rest of the job over as quickly as possible.

 

I scuttled over to my dad's dresser, pulling open the top drawer only to find that the jar wasn't there. Unless he'd moved it, my memory had lied to me. Panic-stricken, I yanked open the second, third and forth drawers recklessly. I didn't care how much noise I made, because there at the bottom of the last drawer was my prize.

 

Just as I was about to pick up the shiny glass trophy and get the hell out of there, a disgruntled groan had me freezing in my tracks. Slowly and cautiously, like a man trying not to provoke a wild animal, I turned my head inch by inch, trying not to make him notice me.

 

Only, by the time my eyes met his - staring at me openly with a look of confusion on his tired face - it was clear that I wouldn't be getting out of this so easily. My eyes jumped around the room, searching for some way to defend myself before he came to his senses.

 

"What the hell... Eren?" The man mumbled.

 

My sights landed on the old baseball bat that Dad keeps just beside his bed, partly for display and partly in case he needed to beat the hell out of someone. As quickly as I could, I grabbed the jar in one hand and made my way over to the bed, grabbing the baseball bat.

 

Unfortunately,  now my father had realized what I was doing and snapped to his senses just as fast.

 

"Hey, you little shit, don't you fucking-" He growled as he sat up. With the bat firmly in my grasp, I turned to face him just in time for his fist to connect with my jaw. I was sent tumbling backwards, sparks igniting across my vision as my head swam.

 

Before I could think it through, I swung the bat with full force at his head. It hit with a sickening _clunk_ , and the man was once again passed out cold on the bed. With tears running down my face and my heart nearly beating out of my chest, I turned and ran.

 

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, _oh_ _fuck fuck fuck_..." I mumbled hysterically. What had I just done?

 

Down the hall, out the front door and to the end of the street, I didn't stop. I didn't dare drop the bat nor the money, not when one of those items could very well be a murder weapon and the other being the key to making this whole thing disappear- at least for a little while.

 

The rest passed in a blur; getting back to Levi's apartment, hiding the weapon, calling a dealer and setting up a place to meet. Soon, I found myself at the local grocery store, using one of those fancy machines that converts your change into bills. All you have to do is dump it all into the top, and then it spits out a bunch of bills. How magical, especially when you had enough spare change and bills adding up to thousands of dollars.

 

And then I was counting down the time until I could sink a needle in my veins and forget everything for a while. This close to my reward, I needed to keep my mind occupied or else I might get too excited. On the way to meet my dealer - a sketchy prick named Nile - I counted the money in my hand. Once, twice, thrice, anything to keep the insane cravings at bay.

 

On the way home, I counted each step, each agonizingly slow increment towards my goal. My hand tapped an erratic rhythm against my leg, my mouth moving along with the jumbled thoughts in my head. Anyone who passed me on the street would've known immediately what I was just by looking at the way I'd seemed to have lost control of my own body; I was nothing but an addict who had gone too long without their next fix. You could tell that my mind wasn't quite right; you could see that I'd abandoned my own health in favor of my obsessions.

 

But then I was curled up in the corner of Levi's bedroom, a syringe full of heroin in one hand while the other tied a band around my forearm. Everything seemed to fall into place as the needled slipped past the thin layer of skin between the outside world and the blood running through my veins. I emptied the syringe slowly, no longer in a rush because now all I had to do was sit back and enjoy the warm comfort making it's way through my body.

 

_Everything's fine._

 

_Everything's fucking fine._

 

***

 

With my dad's life savings completely blown, I had a nice enough supply to last me a while. And with a more steady stream of drugs in my system, it made it easier to stay with Levi. The blinding white of the room tripped me out once in a while, but at least it didn't feel like I needed to tear my eyes out anymore.

 

Day after day passed in a monotonous routine: Wake up, shoot up, sit with Levi. Nothing else really happened. Throughout the day I would get up to take a piss or to refresh my high, maybe get a snack if I had an appetite, but that was about it. It was a waiting game, a challenge to see who could hold out longer: Me or this coma. I didn't have much going for me in life, but if there was one thing that I was determined to do, it was to stay by Levi's side no matter how long it took. He was all I had, and I wasn't about to let this stupid fucking coma destroy that.

 

_When Levi wakes up, I'm going to be there._

 

***

 

Tomorrow will be exactly one week before the two-month mark. A month and three weeks, I've been spending my time slowly losing my mind in this bleached-out hell. Hitting my head against the wall, shoving a needle into my collapsing veins, scratching marks across my arms when the paranoia and delirium get bad: this is what my life has become.

 

It's become a game in my head, a way to deal with the pain and give myself something to look forward to: _If Levi doesn't wake up, I'm going to kill myself._ The simple escape, the comfort of knowing that I wouldn't force myself to go through this pain forever; it soothed my aching heart.

 

A week passes, and the though rewrites itself: _If Levi doesn't wake up by the end of the year, I'm going to kill myself._  


 

The time passes so unbearably slowly, warping the thought into a more desperate idea each time: _If he doesn't wake up in 6 months, three months, two months..._  


 

This is getting harder and harder to bare.

 

But today is the day. As I'm sitting in the chair that's become my home, hand wrapped around Levi's, I feel a small twitch of his fingers and at first I think I've imagined it. Still, my back straightens out of its defeated slump as I perk up and stare at Levi with hopeful eyes.

 

_Please..._

 

The steady beeping of the machine monitoring Levi's heart begins to pick up speed and I stare at his face for a long while before I finally see his eyelids flutter. The relief hits me like a Tsunami, towering over me before crashing down and engulfing me in it's soothing bliss, flooding every crevice of my body. Tears run down my cheeks as I clutch Levi's hand, trying to squeeze some life back into it; trying to get him to wake up faster. I need to see the eyes that I've been dreaming about for so long. The ones that I thought I'd never get the chance to admire again.

 

He wakes up slowly and I relish every moment of it. His breathing picks up, becomes louder, and the smile on my face only grows. He blinks open his eyes and then closes them again, causing even more tears of joy to spring from my eyes. Soon, his eyes stay open for good and he's staring up at me with a mildly confused, almost tender gaze.

 

I can't help it - I lean forward and press my lips to his hungrily, savoring everything about the kiss that I'd been waiting so long for. He doesn't fight me off; instead he weakly lifts his arm, fisting a hand in my hair and kisses me back with a fervor I've never experienced before.

 

" _Eren_ ," He whispers as we finally separate, somehow managing to sew my aching heart back together with just one simple word. And then, quietly, he asks,"How... How long was I asleep?"

 

"Almost two months." I reply, not bothering to hold back the pain leaking into my voice at the admission.

 

Levi looked astonished, neither of us knowing what to say. How do you come to terms with the fact that two months had passed by all on their own while you've been sleeping them away?

 

"You didn't miss much." I said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. 

 

Levi closed his eyes and I watched as he seemed to center his concentration on his breathing. Deep breaths, in and out. He pinched the bridge of his nose, an unhappy look settling over his features.

 

"What the fuck am I doing here?" He asked, even though it was clear that he had an idea.

 

My eyes filled with tears yet again. "You had an overdose, Levi." 

 

He didn't open his eyes, just seemed to give up before he even tried to do anything. The man looked pissed. 

 

A few minutes passed by in silence and I still didn't know what to do.

 

"Fuck..." Levi finally sighed. His eyes slid open, regarding me with a hungry, needy look. I knew what that look meant. " _Fuck_ , I need to shoot up."

 

I winced. "But don't you think... maybe... you shouldn't? After what happened?" 

 

The glare Levi sent my way silenced that train of thought instantly. "What about _you?_ Are you just expecting me to stay clean while you're sitting there with track marks covering your arms? How do think that would work, Eren?"

 

"I could-"

 

" _No._ I need a fucking needle in my vein and I know you have some, Eren. I can tell because you aren't twitching. You've used recently." Levi accused.

 

I didn't want to fight with Levi, and the bark in his voice scared me. "Okay! I'm sorry. As soon as we get you out of here, I'll share whatever I have left. Promise."

 

Levi's head hit his pillow. "Good."

 

***

 

By the time all the paperwork was signed and the doctors had given Levi their OK, Levi was anxious enough to grab me by the arm and drag me out of the building. He was still weak and sickly, so there wasn't much power behind it, but I let him pull me along anyways.

 

We took a taxi back to the apartment and as soon as we were through the door, Levi was demanding to know where my stash was. It didn't take long for him to rip it from my hands, prepare himself a needle and then release the poison that had almost killed him back into his bloodstream. The sigh that escaped his lips was one of pure relief. It was my turn soon after, and then we were both high and content. 

 

There were a lot of important matters that had to be discussed, but they seemed insignificant when faced with the strange Levi I'd come home with.

 

As soon as the drugs were back in their safe spot, Levi attached himself to me and didn't let go. His lips marked their path along my jaw, down my neck before meeting mine in a heated kiss. Gone were the lust-fueled actions of the heartless man I'd come to love; this Levi was passionate, pulling me in and holding me close. I didn't know what had gotten into him, but I didn't question it.

 

His hands traveled tenderly across my body, mapping it out as if he wanted to memorize every dip and curve. We made our way to the bed and Levi climbed on top of me, already panting and out of breath. It'll be a while before he regains his strength.

 

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked, but he just covered my mouth with his and that was that. You can't reason with Levi.

 

His hands sneak under my shirt, traveling up my chest to tweak and pinch my nipples. I let out a breathy moan into his mouth and felt him smirk. He nipped at my bottom lip and brought one hand down to the bulge in my pants, using the other to continue playing with my nipple. 

 

_Levi's being so... Playful. And I like it._

 

His fingers tugged at the hem of my shirt and I had just enough time to quickly lift my back off the bed before he was tugging it roughly over my head. I fell back against the mattress with a giggle, my heart fluttering when Levi let out a small chuckle of his own. His smile doesn't last long, but when it leaves, his face doesn't settle back into it's usual expressionless mask either.

 

_It's like he's finally letting some emotion show through._

 

The sex we had that night wasn't like anything we'd shared before. After he removed my pants along with the rest of his clothes, Levi's fingers prepped me slowly and gently. Normally, Levi isn't a fan of slow sex, but he savored each moment of our time together as if he never wanted it to end. 

 

I had to beg him to fill me, or else I would've came just from the perfect way his fingers were teasing my prostate. And then he was pushing himself in, taking his time, asking if it hurt. That was the first time he'd ever asked.

 

Every movement he made seemed to have a purpose: the way one of his hands squeezed the meat of my thigh for leverage in order to get the perfect angle, while the other stroked my shaft languidly in time with his slow yet powerful thrusts; how his teeth seemed to know just where to bite to make me squeal from both pain and pleasure; the intensity in which he held his focused stare, targeted right at my eyes as if he needed me to know that he was being sincere.

 

Or maybe I was reading too much into it. Maybe Levi was just incredibly horny. I knew I was.

 

When we both somehow managed to come almost simultaneously - as if Levi had been holding himself back until he knew that I was close - Levi collapsed on top of me, all sweaty and out of breath. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, the smile on my face unshakable.

 

But within a few minutes, Levi was pulling away and getting up. He disappeared into the bathroom and came back all cleaned up and holding a wet cloth. The mask had settled back over his face, and now he just looked tired. 

 

He wiped me down, threw the cloth in the laundry basket and then slipped under the covers; facing away from me, closed off, not even touching me.

 

"Levi?" I asked, feeling comforted by our own strange routine. 

 

And he always replied in his flattest voice, not even phrasing it as a question: "What."

 

"Did you have dreams while you were in your coma?"

 

"Yes."

 

"What were they about?"

 

I almost didn't notice the way Levi's whole body seemed to tense up at my question. Guardedly, he rolled over to face me, looking me right in the eye with that blank expression clouding the emotion in his eyes. 

 

"You."

 

And then he turned back around and didn't make another sound. I tried to go to sleep as well, but no matter what I tried, I couldn't get the haunted look on Levi's face out of my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a good day :)


	14. With Words I Thought I'd Never Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All these four letter words...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for all the people who've left comments and kudos. I love you guys.

Since Levi had lost his job after disappearing for two months, I suggested that we look for jobs together. Levi didn't immediately oppose the idea, so I took that as his agreement. We tweaked up our resumes and then went walking around the city, stopping at any place that seemed like they might hire us. 

 

Levi's head seemed to be somewhere else that day, his eyes staring off into the distance. He didn't seem to want to participate in a conversation, so I just let my mind wander too. After stopping at our third stop, I grabbed his hand absentmindedly and entwined our fingers, surprising myself with how natural it felt. When I realized what I'd done, I looked to Levi in panic, afraid that he'd pull away and get mad.

 

He just stared straight ahead and said nothing.

 

We walked for hours, trying to hit as many spots as possible. We needed some kind of income in order to pay Levi's landlord his overdue rent. The old man had been understanding so far, after I'd explained that Levi was in the hospital, but it wouldn't take long for him to get fed up and start threatening to kick us out. 

 

But then Levi started getting antsy and impatient, tugging my hand away from his so he could bite his nails or play with his sleeves. He stopped answering me when I talked to him, only speaking when he had a snarky remark to spit at me. So I suggested we start heading home and with a bit of time, we found ourselves back at the apartment. Levi went straight to the bedroom while I stopped in the kitchen to grab us some snacks and two glasses of water, knowing that we hadn't eaten since before we left.

 

When I met Levi in his room, he was just finishing up; wiping the blood from the new needle mark and untying the band from his arm. Wordlessly, he handed the tools over to me and I sat beside him on the floor to prepare.

 

Now that I had Levi back and I had to watch him poison himself over and over, I found it hard to enjoy these moments at all. The high did nothing for me anymore; now it was just painful and tedious. The numbness afterwards was nice, but it didn't outweigh how painful it was to think about Levi ending back up in that hospital bed.

 

It made Levi happy, though, so I didn't voice my apprehension.

 

Once we were both sufficiently intoxicated, Levi pulled me back onto the bed for another bout of lazy sex. His eyes told stories that his mouth refused to speak, his gentle caresses and disarming passion doing nothing to ease my confusion.

 

With a final kiss, Levi finished inside me once again and then laid himself on top of me for a few moments. When he moved to get up, I grabbed him by the arm and tugged him back down.

 

"No, let me." I insisted, getting to my feet and hurrying to the bathroom before he could say anything. Deep down, I hoped that maybe if he remained relaxed in bed, Levi wouldn't be so quick to shut himself down. I scrubbed the stickiness of my body in a rush before making my way back to him.

 

Levi didn't say a word as I settled myself between his legs and began tentatively wiping down his slicked body. It was nice to be able to admire the perfection that was his every feature, no flaws in sight. The soft porcelain skin of his inner thighs was beautiful enough to make me want to kneel down and worship its wearer - although when it came to Levi, it didn't take much to get me on my knees.

 

When I was finished, I crawled under the covers and cuddled close to Levi, relief finding its way to my heart when Levi's arm secured itself around me tightly.

 

After a few moments of peace, the need was too great. I had to say it.

 

"Levi?"

 

"What?" He asked.

 

"I love you. I love you so much."

 

Only this time, he didn't say " _I know,_ " like he usually did. He propped himself up on an elbow, scowling down at me with eyes that were shiny with emerging tears. 

 

"I..." He let out a shaky breath. " _Fuck_." 

 

Enraged, he frantically kicked the covers off him and got out of bed, sinking down in front of the drawer that held our stash. With shaking hands, Levi ripped the drawer open, rifling through its contents before he found what it was he was looking for.

 

I watched worriedly as he quickly measured out a bit of powder on a spoon, heated it up and then sucked it up into a syringe. The elastic exercise band was around his arm a moment later, and then he was cursing and searching impatiently for a vein to abuse. When he found it, he jammed the needle in and depressed it with reckless abandon. 

 

The crazed laugh that escaped his lips with the rush was disconcerting.

 

Levi climbed back into bed and settled himself over me. His eyes were watery and unfocused as he straddled my hips and then pulled me in for a desperate kiss. His tongue fought mine playfully and the moans that he let out had me going hard within moments. My heart was beating fast at the sudden turn of events and Levi was doing nothing but tangling my emotions into a hopeless mess. 

 

Why was he doing this?

 

Then, he pulled back and smiled down at me breathlessly. "I love you too, fuck."

 

***

 

The next morning, I woke up with my back against Levi's chest, his hand placed on my stomach to hold me securely against him. Instead of getting out of bed, I relaxed back into him and replayed last night's events in my head.

 

 

_Levi moaned excitedly in my ear. "That feels so fucking good to say. I love you."_

 

_He placed another chaste kiss on my lips. "I fucking love you, Eren."_

 

  
_"I love you too." I repeated back to him, smiling a wide smile even though this felt too good to be true. Levi wakes up after a two-month-long coma and suddenly he has feelings?_ _What the hell happened in those dreams of his that made him so desperate for my affection?_   


 

  
_At the moment, it didn't matter. I draped my arms behind his neck and pulled him back down for a real kiss, both of us moving in tandem as Levi lowered himself beside me and pressed his body against mine._ _We both fell asleep exhausted and tangled together._   


 

 

I wasn't sure how to prepare myself for when the slumbering man beside me woke up. There was no way to know if he'd lock me out again or not. I bit my nails as I waited and worried.

 

I could pin-point the exact moment that Levi woke up, and then the moment that he remembered what he'd said last night. First, Levi stirred with a deep yawn, rolling over slightly and stretching out. His whole body tensed and froze as he seemed to realize where his hand had been resting. He stayed that way, unmoving, for a moment or two as he most likely thought back to what he'd done last night to end up in this position.

 

Levi took in a startled breath, and then he was scrambling out from under the covers and slamming the bathroom door behind him. The sound of the shower reached my ears a few moments later.

 

It was clear that he was not ready to let me in yet, and I couldn't help but let out a disappointed sigh. Not willing to let it get me down, though, I got up and began my morning routine. It started by getting out our supplies from the drawer and setting them on the bedside table. I made quick work of preparing my own dose and shooting up, leaving everything out for Levi when he got out of the shower. Next, I went to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee and to make Levi breakfast. Today I made scrambled eggs and toast, not having the energy to cook anything more extravagant. 

 

I heard the water shut off and went to find Levi in the bedroom. Water droplets glistened all over his muscled body as I watched him towel off through the open doorway. I leaned against the doorframe and didn't bother trying to hide the rapt way my eyes followed his every movement. Levi did his best to ignore me, moving over to the area where I'd set up the drugs so that he could take his morning dose as well. 

 

The needle emptied as Levi released a heavy sigh, and after he had put everything back in its rightful place, his glazed grey eyes met mine as a smile stretched across his face. 

 

"Fuck, Eren, this is some good shit. Where the fuck did you get this, anyways?"

 

I laughed. "Honestly, I don't really remember. I was kind of delirious and wasn't thinking straight at the time." I admitted. 

 

"And the money?"

 

"I stole it from my dad," I told him with a smirk. "And I'm pretty sure I ended up clubbing him in the head with a baseball bat, too..."

 

Levi barked out an amused laugh. "Jesus, kid... Did he try to come after you?"

 

I shook my head. "If he remembers anything, he hasn't done anything about it. No police have knocked on our door yet." I answered with a shrug.

 

Levi nodded, the twinkle of amusement still playing in his eyes as he patted the spot on the floor beside him. Wordlessly, I followed the order and got comfortable, both of us sitting with our backs against the wall, facing the bed.

 

The silence stretched out between us, but I was comfortable to just watch Levi, who had his head leaning back against the wall with his eyes closed. But eventually, the curiosity that always seemed to plague me in the presence of this strange man got the best of me.

 

"Levi?"

 

"What?" He asked with a sigh, although he didn't sound annoyed and it was nice to hear that the tone of his voice actually resembled a question. That meant that Levi was still in a good mood. And by that, I mean that he was still enjoying his short-lived high.

 

"Why did you start doing drugs?" I asked hesitantly.

 

His eyes opened and he looked over at me, quiet for a few moments as he contemplated my question.

 

"I think... That I just wanted to feel something," He answered in a monotonous voice, and I knew he would shut me out again at any moment. But for now, he was high and his barriers weren't so thick and strong. "It was fucking hard, growing up without a family to make sure you got everything you needed. Whether I was stuck in another shitty foster home or sticking it out on the streets, it was always just me against the world. No one gave a shit about me and so I didn't give a shit about them, either.

 

"By the time I was a teenager, I started to notice that everyone around me had this wide range of emotions that they displayed so easily. One moment they were crying and blubbering about how hard their life was, and the next they were smiling and laughing like nothing had happened. But... I couldn't do that. When I was with the friends I had managed to make while doing terrible things in order to survive - all of them just like me - I was always the one who sat off to the side by myself and watched everyone else have fun. I was never anything but angry. I didn't know how to act like a normal fucking human being, but eventually, out of necessity, I learned to fake it." He said angrily, clenching his fists.

 

"I felt so screwed over by the world. I just wanted to experience what everyone else was experiencing; this bright, colorful world of vibrant emotions and relationships. So I turned to drugs at a pretty early age, and I started fucking anyone I could get my hands on. Sex and drugs are the only things that make me feel like an actual god damn person."

 

Levi wasn't even talking to me anymore; he was just glaring down at his balled fists and letting the words tumble out of his mouth. And then when he finally realized what he'd just admitted, his head whipped up and his wide eyes stared into mine with a look of shock, regret and anger written all over his face.

 

He stared at me as if I'd somehow betrayed him.

 

Finally, after the deep, unsettling quiet had seemed to build up and swallow us whole; Levi's eyebrows came down in a furious glare and he spat, "Fuck you! Fuck you, Eren."

 

Before I had time to get my thoughts together and figure out what to say, Levi was getting up and storming out of the room. I scrambled to my feet and ran after him.

 

"Levi, wait!" I called out, but he was never one to listen to my demands. He reached the front door and started tugging his shoes on with jerky, halting movements. 

I didn't know what to do, but the expression on Levi's face just looked so upset. My arms wrapped around his torso, trapping his own underneath them so that he couldn't finish what he'd started. The man squirmed in my arms and tried to shake me off, yelling, "Get off me you fucking piece of shit!" but I refused to let go.

 

"I'm not letting you run away! I've been waiting so long for you to open up to me and I'm not going to let you get away now!" I insisted. 

 

Levi didn't stop fighting, though. He shook his shoulders to try and dislodge me and when that didn't work, he resorted to trying to kick me in the shins with his heels. No matter what, I refused to let go.

 

He held out for as long as he could, not giving in even when I dragged him back to the bedroom and kicked the door closed behind me. He yelled and cursed and called me every name he could think of, but I tried not to let it get to me.

 

"Please, Levi. I love you so much, and I just want to know more about you. Is it really that terrible for you to show your feelings? All I want is to be closer to to you." 

 

Levi finally gave up and slumped back against me, making my back hit the wall. I didn't mind.

 

"I don't want you to get close." He mumbled.

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I'm not going to let you hurt me like every other skum bag on this planet!" 

 

I shook my head, letting my chin brush against the top of his head. "I would never hurt you, Levi. Fuck, you're the only person that I care about. I don't want anyone else- I don't want you to have anyone else, because you don't need them. We can hate the world together." I promised.

 

"You say that now..." Levi doubted.

 

"I've been pining after you for years, Levi! And now that I finally have you in my grasp, do you really think that I'd just give you up? After all the shit you've put me through, I'm still here. And I'm not leaving."

 

Levi inhaled a deep, shaky breath and then turned himself around in my arms. His brows were still drawn down in a scowl and he looked absolutely livid, but when his arms wiggled out of my loosening hold and wrapped themselves around my neck, pulling me down into a hungry kiss, I knew that it wasn't me he was angry with.

 

The man I loved had a lot of issues, but that didn't matter to me. Hell, I'm sure that whatever was wrong with my head was a lot worse than Levi's stunted emotional development. I knew now without a doubt that Levi cared for me; he was just too afraid to show it. But I would be patient.

 

"I know that you love me, Levi, and it doesn't matter to me how long it takes for you to be able to show it. I can wait." I assured him as our lips parted, wiping away a stray tear that fell from his watery eyes.

 

He didn't say anything, just exhaled another shuddering breath and buried his face in my shoulder.

 

That was alright.

 

***

 

The progress was slow, but every subtle difference made me infinitely happier. 

 

After all the chaos, Levi and I had no energy left to start the day so we curled up in bed and held each other close. Sleep pulled us under soon after, our breakfast left on the table to get cold.

 

When we awoke, Levi had trouble meeting my eyes, but he didn't get angry when instead of letting him get up, I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him towards me so that he was almost lying on top of me and nuzzling my cheek against the top of his head.

 

"I love you, and you know I'd do anything for you." I whispered in his ear and with that, I saw a genuine smile creep onto his face as he relaxed into me completely.

 

After that day, Levi seemed to let down his walls, if only a tiny bit. He wasn't one to be openly affectionate and words weren't exactly his forte, but at least he stopped trying to push me away. 

 

It was always easier for him right after he emptied a needle into his vein; then, he had no qualms about hugging me tightly and sometimes even whispering sweet things in my ear.

 

"You're so fucking beautiful," he'd murmur, pupils dilated and a doped up grin on his face.

 

I started to push Levi into participating in activities other than sex and drugs. We cuddled on the couch and watched movies even though Levi always seemed to have something to complain about. I taught Levi to cook, though he usually got frustrated and ended up either breaking something, yelling at me or letting the food burn.

 

"I didn't want to eat that crap anyway." He'd always grumble.

 

We both managed to snag a job at the mall; me at a clothing outlet while Levi worked at another burger place. I didn't know how Levi could be so awful at cooking anything but processed burgers and fries, but it seemed he'd had a lot of practice. With the cash finally flowing in, we managed to pay off our debts to the landlord in a couple months, and everything was back to normal. 

 

With the extra cash that we could afford to spend now that we were out of the gutter, Levi and I began to pick up our drug usage. Our dealers became our closest friends and crowds of sweaty bodies began to feel like a second home. Levi took me to raves, house parties and any event that allowed us to get fucked and have fun. Instead of loaning me out to anyone that was offering something in return, Levi stayed close and introduced me to people he knew.

 

He was really trying to change and make this work, and I appreciated that more than anything.

 

Still, we were not without bad days.

 

***

 

"I'm so sorry, Levi!" I apologized desperately, shielding myself with my arms to put a barrier between me and the murderous look in Levi's eyes.

 

White powder covered the carpet in front of the couch, floating in the air like dust. And it was my fault.

 

"You fucking dumb ass! You're sorry? You're a fucking piece of shit, that's what you are!" Levi bellowed in rage, scaring me enough that I curled up in a ball and tried to make myself as small as possible. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I sobbed in terrified anguish.

 

"I didn't mean to spill it!" I tried to explain.

 

Levi was unyielding. "Well you did, fuckhead. Hundreds of dollars wasted because you can't get your head out of your ass." 

 

I begged him to forgive me, promising that I'd make it up to him, but he wasn't having any of it.

 

"Fuck!" He yelled, kicking over the coffee table before storming over to the door. "I really want to hit you right now, brat. So fucking bad. Just clean this shit up!" He demanded, knocking over the coat rack and a few other things in order to make more work for me. Then he stepped into his shoes, threw his jacket on and was out the door.

 

Still crying heavily, I scurried to the bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time. My body purged everything that was in my stomach, and even once everything was gone, I continued to retch futilely. It tasted awful enough that as soon as I stopped heaving, I stood up quickly so I could brush my teeth.

 

I swayed unsteadily on my feet as a dizzy spell overcame me, fumbling to grab onto the sink so I wouldn't fall back over. When the pressure behind my eyes died down and I could finally see again, I found myself staring into the mirror, right back into my dull, puffy red eyes.

 

Months of poor habits had taken their toll on me; the drug binges, going days sometimes without eating or sleeping... I looked like shit. My cheeks were sunken in, there were dark bruises under my eyes and my unkempt hair had grown long and shaggy, now hanging in my eyes. It had lost its shine.

 

My skinny arm was shaking as I lifted a hand to gently brush across the dry skin of my cheek. I looked nothing like the boy I'd been when I met Levi so long ago. It had been almost two years since the first time we'd spoken and now both of us were nearly unrecognizable.

 

These fits of anger were nothing new to me. Levi had a temper that only got worse when he was starting to feel the withdrawal. The name-calling and shouting were common, but he only ever hit me when he was really craving badly. 

 

It didn't hinder my love for him in any way; most of the time, I deserved it. Like today, when the bag of cocaine had slipped through my fumbling fingers right as Levi and I were gearing up for another bump. He'd been so excited, I couldn't blame him for being upset when it was taken away from him.

 

_I'm so fucking useless..._

 

Sighing, I wiped away the tears from my face, brushed my teeth and then went to try and salvage as much as I could from the spill. A lot got caught in the carpet and it made my stomach ache to see so much coke go to waste.

 

I cleaned up the mess that Levi had made during his rampage and then went and curled up in bed to wait for Levi to return. 

 

He stumbled in at three o'clock in the morning, hair mussed and clothing rumpled. I'd been awake the whole time, staring at the ceiling and beating myself up for being such an idiot. I couldn't go to sleep, not without knowing that Levi would come back.

 

When Levi barged into the bedroom, unbalanced and obviously shit-faced, I said nothing. He roughly flung his shirt off and then almost fell over as he kicked off his pants. And then his eyes met mine and I almost flinched, expecting to still find the rage they'd been displaying when he left. But instead, all I saw were cloudy, unfocused pools of grey matched with a drunken grin.

 

"Hey babe," He slurred, collapsing into bed beside me. His arm reached over my stomach and latched onto my hip, nails digging painfully into my skin as he forcefully dragged me closer. "I'm home now."

 

"Yeah, I can see that." I said, a hesitant smile stretching across my face at his slurred speech and how silly he sounded. I was grateful that he'd seemed to have forgotten his anger, at least for now. 

 

"You're still a dumb ass, by the way, but I'm too drunk to give a shit." He said, and then giggled quietly too himself. "It doesn't matter anyways... Everything's fine now."

 

I turned my body so I was fully facing him and buried my face in the crook of his neck. "I'm glad," I murmured, my voice muffled.

 

"I don't want to be angry. Not at you..." He continued, making me smile against his smooth skin. "I love you."

 

My heart picked up its pace at those three words, going into a frenzy every time I heard them, which wasn't often. This was the third, maybe the forth time they'd left his lips, and never once had it been while he was sober or coming down from his high. That was fine with me, as long as I still got to hear them at all. I'd never expected anyone to say that phrase to me ever again after what I'd done to Mikasa and Armin.

 

I was so fucking lucky.

 

Still, I felt the need to apologize again. "I really am sorry." 

 

I felt Levi's chin rub against my hair as he nodded. His arm tightened around my waist and we both settled into each other, tired and ready to pass out. As my eyes slipped shut, I tried to ignore the distinct smell of sweat and sex on Levi's skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think


	15. Let's Jump Out a Window, Maybe We Could Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not working anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I took two weeks only to end up posting this sorry excuse for a chapter. Im sooorrrryyy  
> I didn't really feel like these two snippets really flowed with the next chapter, so I decided to make them their own mini chapter. But I promise to try and get the next update done as soon as possible.
> 
> MERRY CHRISTMAS, enjoy the chapter.

There are some drugs that not even an experienced, fuck-up junkie can handle. Surprising, I know.

 

I learned this after Levi got his hands on a bit of DMT, otherwise known as the chemical released in your brain when you dream. Essentially, when smoked it puts you into a deep hallucinogenic state where you dream a lot of fucked up shit. Some say it feels like they were trapped in their dream for eternity; others have a weird out-of-body experience. There's no way to tell what you're going to see, which is part of the fun. It's a gamble: you might get stuck in a nightmare, or maybe you might discover the answers to all your problems.

Naturally, I was excited to try something new. After a while, most drugs got old and lost their luster. That's why it's so easy to be addicted to multiple substances at once.

 

It was hard to sit still; I was bouncing with energy and impatience while Levi explained how we were going to smoke it. We each inhaled a few tokes and everything seemed to blur... The moment that I went from lucid to dreaming was hard to distinguish. A deep blackness seemed to encroach the edges of my vision, burning them away like a piece of paper caught aflame. Behind the picture of Levi's living room were nothing but undulating waves of colors, too vivid and unique to name. They swirled by at a languorous pace, soothing. I didn't have a thought in my head; all I needed to do was stare at those colors and admire their brilliance.

 

For hours...

 

When I jolted awake, I was lying with my back against the trunk of a tree. All around me, beautiful flowers bloomed in pale colors, complimenting the bright, lucious green of the grass. Towering high over everything was an enormous wall that stretched out for miles in each direction, only a few meters away from where I rested.

 

"Eren? Why are you crying?"

 

Surprised, my head shot up to find Mikasa standing in front of me. Only this Mikasa was just a child, dressed in scrappy clothes and carrying some weird contraption on her back. Upon closer inspection, I could see that it was meant to carry sticks and branches.

 

"Huh?" I swiped a hand across my cheek and was unnerved to feel the wetness there. Why had I been crying?

 

From there, I followed Mikasa back to our home. I didn't question how I'd ended up in this strange place crowded with crooked homes and rude people, or why I was suddenly much, much shorter. I was too caught up in how happy Mikasa seemed to be and how cute little Armin was.

 

I was effortlessly swept up in this simple life, growing attached to its subtly different versions of the people I've always known. I spent hours exploring and conversing happily with my mother, Mikasa and Armin. It was really nice

And then, I finally learned why exactly those titans that everyone was always worrying about were so scary. After that massive, grotesquely skinless face peeked over the wall, nothing was the same. I watched my mom get crushed under our house and then get eaten by one of those sickening monsters. I had to deal with her death all over again.

Years passed and I grew up, joining the military and vowing to kill all the disgusting titans that roamed the earth. Time passed at a normal pace, as if I was living a completely real life, but when I thought back, it seemed that everything had gone by so quickly. 

 

It was the weirdest dream I'd ever experienced. One minute, I was watching my friends get eaten left and right by Titans; the next, I was exploding into a towering giant myself and tearing apart those enormous motherfuckers, destroying as many as I could.

 

I finally met Levi, after I'd waited years for him to make his appearance. He kicked the shit out of me in front of a courtroom full of people, then he offered to watch over me and keep me in line. I fell in love with the man all over again as he ordered me around, got upset at the tiniest speck of dirt and announced to his squad members that he thought I could be trusted. Everything he did seemed to hold meaning, deliberation. He was so unlike the man I know now, but at the same time, I knew if my Levi got clean and got his act together, he could be just as honorable as the one in my dream.

 

When I think of it now, it all seems so ludicrous - The giants, the weird flying gear, the walls. But in the moment, everything was so captivating and real. Every heart-wrenching emotion that I felt was my own and it all hurt just as much as it did in real life. The agony that I felt watching one friend after another die because of that war stayed with me long after I'd woken up.

 

When I came to, head fuzzy and slow, the first thing that became clear was the sound of someone sobbing. It snapped me out of my haze and I looked around me, vision adjusting to reveal Levi curled up on the other end of the couch. He was crying his heart out. 

 

His face was hidden behind a cushion, so I crawled over and gently moved it away. "Are you okay, Levi?"

 

"What does it fucking look like?" He snapped, voice watery and interrupted by frequent sniffles.

 

Even though he refused to cooperate, I managed to pull him into my lap and wrap my arms around his small frame. "Would you tell me about your dream?"

 

He shook his head at first, but then another round of sobs wracked his body and he curled into me. After a steadying breath to steel his nerves, he began. "It was the same as when I was in a coma... So fucking long, like it would never end. I-it's this whole other world, with giant man-eating monsters and walls taller than anything. A-and I was Humanity's Strongest Soldier, I fought in the military and you were my subordinate. Even with a war going on, you were all that I could think about."

 

I didn't know what to do with this information. My heart was fluttering at the tenderness of Levi's words. But there were other questions nagging at my mind as well. Was it common for me two people to have similar dreams while using DMT? It felt like I'd just experienced some supernatural, psychic bullshit. What if Levi and I had linked minds?

 

"I lived that life for years. A-and both times, I had to watch you die, ripped apart by those appalling creatures. It was fucking awful, Eren." He sobbed.

 

"Shh, at least it was just a dream. Everything's okay now." I murmured as he cried harder. If I hadn't just experienced nearly the same things, I would've thought he was over-reacting. But seeing just how vivid and realistic that universe had been, I fully understood why he was so shaken. 

 

All I could do was hold him tight and tell him that I wasn't going anywhere. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't working anymore.

 

The dosages kept increasing, the need kept growing, and our money was running out quicker and quicker with each passing day. I lost the ability to keep my attention on anything for too long; Levi lost control of his temper much too easily.

 

The addiction was eating us alive, but we were powerless to stop it.

 

Experimenting with drugs is kind of like adopting a baby tiger. At first, it's fun and cute and brings nothing but happiness to your life. It's so small, so easy to control. But then the little cub grows and it doesn't fucking stop until it's towering over you and ripping you to shreds. All because you were the idiot that decided to keep a fucking tiger.

 

_...or something._

 

Don't do drugs, kids.

 

"Fuck!" Levi screams, kicking another hole in the wall, right next to the one he left last week.

 

I try to reassure him."It's okay, daddy, we'll find some money somewhere."

 

"What, are you going to magically pull it out of your ass? Don't be a moron." Levi chastises, belittling me like he always does when he isn't thinking straight. "Payday isn't for another four days..." Our drug supply was alarmingly low, not to mention how behind we were on our rent...

 

"What are we gonna do?" I ask hesitantly, watching Levi work it out in his head.

 

A long period passes in silence as I sat stiffly on the couch, trembling with need while Levi paced impatiently across the living room. And then his head snapped to the side and he looked me in the eye, asking cautiously, "Eren... How would you feel about selling sex?"

 

My eyes widened. "What?"

 

"It's not like you haven't done it before," he continued. "Only this time, instead of drugs we'll be getting cash and you'll have a lot more customers."

 

I thought about it carefully. Levi was right, I'd had sex with complete strangers numerous times before in order to get Levi and I what we wanted, but never to this extent. It had never been a form of employment, never been planned. 

 

If I became a prostitute, it would be like giving up the last bit of pride I had left.

 

The hopeful look in Levi's eyes as he watched me carefully - trying to gauge what I would say - made any negative answer from me impossible. I couldn't do it. I couldn't say no to the man who'd given me everything. 

 

"As long as I get to be high while I'm doing it." I concede with a false smile.

 

"No problem." Levi slinks closer and finds his place straddling my lap, pampering my lips with thankful kisses. "You're a good boy, Eren." 

 

"Anything for you, Daddy."

 

***

 

It's not hard to get into the business with a pimp like Levi to sort everything out. Living the life he does, Levi has all kinds of connections and experience when it comes to this shit, while I had next to none. He set up all the meetings, the prices, the time limits. My daddy made sure every customer knew the rules: no bruises, no beatings, no barebacking...

 

But with Levi's confession of love came a whole knew level of possessiveness, and I could tell that it irked him to have people touching what was his. He wouldn't even look at me when I got home until I'd had a shower to wash off the lingering scent of other men.

 

Sometimes Levi would take me out to different clubs to show me off, training me to flaunt my body and flirt in a way that made it obvious to anyone who was looking for it: I was a hooker. I bent over tables and whispered sweet nothings into men's ears, letting them touch me as they pleased in order to lure them into bed. 

 

In the back of the club, seated at the bar with a drink in his hand was Levi, watching, protecting. If anything went wrong, Levi would storm over quickly and deliver the perpetrator a hard, fast punch to the jaw - and if you ask me, Levi was nothing short of trigger-happy. He was always tense and brooding as he observed me do my work, fists and jaw clenched with an almost murderous look in his eyes. It must've taken a lot of self control not to drag me away from those men and kick the shit out of them every time we got up to find a motel.

 

The adjustment wasn't hard; after all, I'd slept my fair share of people already. All I had to do was act like I was interested and pretend to like it. No matter how dirty and disgusting the man was, I spread my cheeks eagerly and keened and moaned like an obedient god damn whore. 

 

My mind often traveled to other places, but not even that was a comfort. Not when you're constantly plagued by your own rampant worries and fears.

 

_"What would Mikasa think if she were to see you this way?"_

 

_I don't give a shit!_

 

_"What if Levi decides he doesn't want someone who's been used and thrown out so many times?"_

 

_Shut up!_

 

Nothing makes the hatred that I feel for myself go away; nothing ever makes the patronizing voice in my head shut the fuck up.

 

And Levi's attitude doesn't help. One minute he's high and happy and passionate, the next, it's the complete opposite. 

 

" _I fucking love you_." He'll sigh against my mouth, still excited from the rush of cocain. " _I don't know how I got so lucky_."

 

My smile is always as bright as the fucking sun when he's like this. When our supply of drugs is high and Levi's day has started off right. We fuck like animals, screaming each other's names in ecstasy, _on_ ecstasy. Everything seems brighter when Levi's in a good mood, as if the bad parts of the world have suddenly vanished.

 

But then the switch flips and Levi is sent into a blind rage, screaming and throwing things across the room. Or he's ignoring me again, a look of disgust still marring his face even after I'd spent the last half hour scrubbing myself clean. Either way, he goes right back to shutting me out and giving me the cold shoulder.

 

It's agonizing, torturous. The constant switching between hot and cold has me running in circles; it takes a heavy toll on my own emotions, which were already unstable to begin with.

 

I find myself sitting alone in the corner of the bedroom, sobbing as silently as I can, more and more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you thought :)


	16. Mama's Gonna Put All of Her Fears Into You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You shouldn't do that Eren. Let me help you, Eren. Blah blah blah!'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuckkkk I said I was gonna try to do this chapter fast and it ended up taking way too long.
> 
> Also I turned sixteen today and it's the sixteenth chapter! wOOaH
> 
> Chap. Title: Mother - Pink FLoyd

It's almost Christmas time. Snow blankets the city, wreaths and garlands and christmas lights litter the streets and cover every storefront. I feel like ripping my hair out every time I hear another repeat of the same fucking christmas carol. 

 

I've been a prostitute for a few months now. And... I think this is the most depressed I've ever been. Everything has lost its appeal. Food, drugs, partying, sex, life... Levi.

 

It feels like I'm living in a black and white movie. 

 

I don't even know who Levi is anymore... The drugs don't work, they don't have the same effect as they used to and now he doesn't ever tell me he loves me. He's even emptier than he was before and half of the things that do come out of his mouth don't even make sense. He goes out every other night and comes home smelling like he just got fucked into some stranger's mattress.

 

I have no clue what I'm even doing anymore. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to get out of bed at all in the mornings. I don't want to start another shitty day of my shitty life. 

 

...I think I'd rather just be dead.

 

What reason is there to keep on living? I can't make Levi happy, I can't make myself happy... All I do is make everyone around me miserable, including myself.

 

I've never felt so fucking alone.

 

***

 

The sky never really gets dark in the winter. With all the snow covering everything and reflecting the street lights' glow, the sky takes on this strange greyish-orange hue that looks nothing but depressing. You can't ever see the stars.

 

I'd just finished up my last job and it was about ten o'clock, much earlier than usual. The chill seeped down into my frail bones as I made the long walk home. By now, almost everyone was home, hiding from the freezing wind outside. The streets were deserted, except for the odd car that passed by every so often. I always got nervous walking home alone, growing tense each time a car approached ominously behind me. Even after all this time, the fear of another strange man pulling up and stealing me away haunted the recesses of my mind.

 

So when I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder from behind, naturally I screamed and whirled around, ready to put up a fight despite my weak body. I swung blindly, aiming to at least disorient my attacker so that I'd have a chance to get away.

 

"Eren! It's me!" They shrieked, raising their hands in surrender.

 

"Mikasa?" I backed away from her, still too shocked to determine whether or not she was a threat. I hadn't talked to her in so long... Who knew what she wanted with me.

 

"Hi." She said awkwardly, but frowned when she saw that I was still edging away from her, too spooked to reply. "Eren, it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you." The hurt and confusion were evident in her eyes.

 

"What are you doing here? Why are you talking to me?" I asked quickly.

 

"I was just finishing up some christmas shopping and I saw you pass by the shop window... Why are you so unsettled?"

 

"I- sorry, you just startled me."

 

Mikasa approached cautiously, careful not to frighten me away. Her eyes bored into mine, watchful and worried. "What have you done to yourself?" She gasped when she could finally see my face clearly, no doubt noticing my sunken cheeks and the deep purple bags under my eyes.

 

Just like that, I shut down. "I'm fine, Mikasa. I have to go." I said, voice flat.

 

Her hand reached out to snatch mine, lightning fast. "You're not going anywhere. I may still be furious with you for what you did to Armin and I, but I can't just let you disappear again after seeing you like this. Please, Eren, let me help you."

 

"I don't fucking need help, Mikasa! Fuck, that's all you and Armin ever say! _'You shouldn't do that Eren. Let me help you, Eren._ _Blah blah blah_!'" I mimicked in a nasally voice, fully aware of how hysterical I sounded. "I'm my own person and I can handle myself. I'm fucking fine and I'm so sick of being treated like a child!"

 

Mikasa looked downright furious. "You're fine? Really? Have you even looked at yourself? You're dying, Eren." Her voice was pained.

 

Tears beaded at the corners of my eyes but I hastily wiped them away. "Shut up! Please just shut up and leave me alone." I pleaded, voice wavering.

 

"I can't Eren. Let me come over and talk to you, at least. _Please._ You owe me." Mikasa's expression was resolute; she wouldn't back down no matter what.

 

Maybe if I gave her this, just a bit of time to talk things out, she would leave me alone for good. I hoped that this would satisfy her. "Fine."

 

And with that, I turned on my heel and began walking at a brisk pace, knowing the woman behind me would follow easily.

 

We got back to the apartment and even after I'd taken off all of my cold winter garments and let the warmth of the building envelop me comfortingly, I couldn't stop shivering. Mikasa didn't look affected at all; her cheeks held only the tiniest bit of rosiness from the biting wind that had numbed my whole body.

 

As soon as the door was shut behind I us, I hung up my jacket, took off my boots and then started towards the bathroom. "I have to shower." I told Mikasa as I went, leaving her at the door.

 

"What? We just got here, aren't you going to show me around or something?"

 

"No." I replied flatly before escaping into the bathroom. I'd almost become as compulsive about showering as Levi, although for different reasons. 

 

Since I hadn't seen Levi when I walked in, I assumed he was in the bedroom reading or something. That was good - it meant that he wouldn't be alone with Mikasa.

 

I stripped down quickly and turned the water on, stepping into the shower once it was the right temperature. As I was lathering shampoo into my hair, I heard the door open and close.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Eren, who the hell is in our appartment?" Came Levi's harsh voice. Obviously, he'd heard someone in the other room and gotten suspicious after hearing me get into the shower.

 

"Mikasa." I winced, praying that he wouldn't get mad.

 

"What the fuck is that bitch doing here?" He inquired.

 

I shrugged before realizing that he couldn't see me through the shower curtain. "I don't know, she wanted to talk."

 

I listened to Levi sigh, and then all was slient for a moment before the curtain was being pulled aside and Levi was stepping into the shower with me. I leveled him with a questioning gaze, wondering why he'd chosen now to join me in the shower of all times. Mikasa was waiting for me.

 

Levi smirked. "I was waiting for you to get home, brat. I'm horny as fuck."

 

"Why didn't you go out and see someone else?" I asked timidly, knowing that Levi wasn't one to wait around for what he wanted.

 

The man shrugged, busying himself by grabbing a cloth and the bar of soap. He lathered the soap into the cloth generously before turning back to me and pressing it against my skin. Although I was still confused about the unexpected turn of events, I let him scrub me clean until I was up to par with his preferences. His hands roamed over my body, massaging my muscles as they went, lingering dangerously close to my shaft.

 

I have to admit, after forcing myself to come a few times already today, I really wasn't in the mood. But Levi was determined to get a rise out of me, literally, so I let him stroke me to hardness as the steaming water rinsed the suds off my red, heated skin.

 

Months ago, I would've jumped at the chance to fuck Levi in the shower, but now, the exhaustion and the fact that Levi and I were so weak and sickly made the prospect less than ideal. Neither of us were strong enough to hold the other up against the wall and the bathtub was too small to comfortably do it lying down. 

 

I pulled Levi in for a kiss and pushed him back against the wall, wrapping my hand around his own erection and pumping languidly. Levi's hands buried themselves in my hair, tugging roughly as our tongues fought each other playfully. I felt Levi grow harder and harder in my hand as I twisted my wrist skillfully and increased its pace, enjoying the filthy moans it elicited from the man. His head tipped back against the wall, breaking our kiss as he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. We were both panting heavily.

 

And then his hands were pushing my head down forcefully; I took the hint and got down on my knees infront of him without question, taking his cock in my mouth obediently. Bobbing my head in a steady rhythm, I wasted no time swallowing him down to the hilt and then pulling back, swirling my tongue around the head before diving back down. Gradually, I began to move faster, lapping at the precum at his slit and running my tongue along the prominent vein that ran his length. Levi's gasps and moans got louder as he lost control, losing himself to the pleasure that I was glad to give him. Times like this, where Levi seemed rather expressive and actually wanted to interact with me, had become rare. I was hungry for whatever I could get from him, starving for affection.

 

All I got was dick rammed down my throat, but it was better than nothing. 

 

With a loud, uncharacteristic yell, Levi's seed shot into my mouth and I happily swallowed it all. Levi slumped back against the wall as I let his soft dick fall from my lips. He panted heavily for a few moments before ordering me to get up.

 

I scrambled to my feet and Levi shoved me back against the shower wall behind me. " _Ah!_ " I gasped as I slammed against the tile.

 

His hands wrapped around my wrists and he pinned them above my head, bringing one hand down to resume stroking my neglected cock while the other held my hands in place firmly.

 

"Tell me who you belong to." Levi commanded, glaring up at me as his hand began to increase its speed.

 

"You, L-levi, only you." I stuttered out.

 

He didn't look satisfied. "Tell me who you think about while you're being dirtied by all those filthy men," he practically spat. 

 

"F-fuck, Levi, I only think of you- _Mn_... Your delicious cock filling me up..."

 

Levi hummed in approval, his hand flying over my shaft as I unraveled in front of him. Only Levi had the power to make me feel this good, to make me come this hard. All those other men were nothing compared to my daddy, who milked my come as if it were an art, spraying the curtain and the wall with milky white.

 

And as I stood there, blissed out and breathing erratically, Levi glared up at me and growled, "Don't you ever fucking leave me, brat."

 

He was out of the shower and slipping out of the bathroom before I had the chance to pull myself together and answer him.

 

In a daze, I rinsed my semen off everything and shut off the shower. The room was full of steam as I stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel before exiting through the door connected to the bedroom. It was empty, so I got dressed rapidly and launched myself out the door and into the living room. 

 

There, I found Mikasa seated on the couch while Levi sat on the love seat, both of them glaring daggers at the other. 

 

"Uh, I see you've met Levi." I said, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck. 

 

Just like that, the trance seemed to have broken and both parties snapped their heads to look at me. The look on Mikasa's face had me worrying about what she was thinking - she looked uncomfortable, almost disgusted and her cheeks were dusted with a faint pink.

 

I squinted.

 

_Fuck! She heard us. She fucking heard us fucking in the shower, fuckkk._

 

A glance in Levi's direction told me that he saw it too and he was doing a bad job of repressing his smug little smile. 

 

_Did he do this on purpose?_

 

All traces of emotion were wiped off her face and Mikasa leaned back into the couch, spell broken. "He's an ass, if you ask me."

 

Levi's face had settled back into its flat mask as well, but he couldn't hide the rage that danced behind his eyes as he pointedly avoided looking at her in favour of staring me down. "Wow, you're right, Eren. Your sister really is a frigid bitch."

 

Mikasa's eyes narrowed, but other than that showed no sign of being affected by the harsh words.

 

"Levi!" I reprimanded.

 

He just shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

 

Mikasa cleared her throat. "So, Eren, how do you like your life here, with _him_?" She asks, her mouth curling around the last word as if she was too disgusted to even say his name.

 

"I love it." I answered, my tone leaving no room for argument. "I've never been happier."

 

Mikasa looked unaffected. "That's a lie and we both know it."

 

I felt myself growing defensive, the urge to defend Levi and our lifestyle growing, but a glance at Levi's face had me stumped. He nodded his head once, almost imperceptibly, looking pensive and sort of like he agreed with my sister as he stared off into space. It was shocking, causing any retort I'd been about to throw back at her to get caught in my throat.

 

When Levi noticed me tense up beside him, he slanted his gaze toward me challengingly, his eyes revealing everything he wasn't willing to say: he knew that I was miserable. He could see right threw me and he was daring me to come clean

.

This was becoming too complicated. I just wanted to go to bed and forget about everything. The tension in the room was suffocating and the intense gazes of both Levi and Mikasa held too much meaning for me to decifer. Right now, it felt like something big was coming and I wasn't ready for it.

 

I stood up abruptly, wincing as it seemed to disrupt the heavy quiet blanketing the room like dust that had settled delicately around us, not to mention startling the two ravens glaring imploringly at me. "I'll be right back."

 

I skidded around the corner and into the bedroom, closing the door loudly behind me. My knees hit the ground in front of the night stand and I tore the drawer open, tears flooding my eyes as I got everything set up. It angered me to see my vision blur; I shouldn't be crying right now. I had no reason to.

 

Smearing away the wetness on my cheeks, I used a razor blade to cut a few lines of blow on the surface of the table. Just two thin ones, that's all I needed. Just enough to get me through this meeting without breaking down.

 

With a rolled up dollar bill, I snorted the white powder and then rubbed at my nose a bit, sniffling. Getting to my feet, I put everything away and took a quick look at myself in the mirror; my eyes were rimmed with red and my nose was just as rosy, but I plastered a smile across my face, took a few deep breaths and hoped that Mikasa wouldn't notice.

 

As soon as I was back within my sister's sight, her tight lips dropped into a small frown. Levi glared, eyes roaming over my features with an air of jealousy.

 

I gave them both a winning smile.

 

"Eren," Mikasa spoke up after I'd gotten comfortable beside Levi. She'd been staring off, thinking hard. "Come to Christmas dinner at our house." She had to push the words out as if she already regretted thinking them.

 

"What?" I thought maybe I'd heard wrong. There was no way that anyone would want me there after I'd fucked with all of them. I was the black sheep of the family, now. No doubt, all I would do is make it awkward for everyone. 

 

"Levi can come too; I'm sure dad would want to meet him."

 

I tried not to cringe at my father's mentioning. "But... Are you sure that's a good idea?"

 

"No, but we can't just keep pretending you don't exist. Nothing has been the same since you've been gone, Eren." She admitted, finally letting a bit of her pain show through. And it worked; there was no way I could say no. I guess after all that we'd gone through, I still couldn't bring myself to truly hate Mikasa. "I just want us to be a family again."

 

"I'd like that, too." I grinned at her.

 

Levi huffed, but I payed him no mind.

 

"Mind if I use the restroom?" Mikasa asked.

 

"Yeah, it's at the end of the hall." I replied, pointing her in the right direction. She sauntered away and I turned to Levi.

 

"Would you come to dinner with my family?" I asked pleadingly with a pout ready on my lips. 

 

"Eren..."

 

"Pleeeeeeaaase?"

 

Levi sighed loudly, sinking down into the couch and slouching defeatedly. He crossed his arms. "What do I get out of it?"

 

My lips curled into a seductive smirk. "You know I'd give you anything you ask for, Levi."

 

Levi hummed lowly in appreciation, crooking a finger to indicate that he wanted me to come closer.

 

I slid over to him and he pressed his lips briefly against mine before roughly pushing me onto my back so that he could climb on top of me.

"Levi! Mikasa will be back soon!" I chastised in a harsh whisper.

 

Levi just rolled his eyes and silenced me with a kiss that got dirty quick. His hands were everywhere, running up my sides, carding themselves through my hair, groping my ass and palming the bulge in my pants. I couldn't hold back the moans that erupted from my mouth, only to be swallowed by Levi's. 

 

" _Ah_!- Levi, stop!" I begged, my face growing red at the thought of Mikasa walking in on us.

 

"What?" Levi asked in a sultry voice. "Are you ashamed of me, Eren? Are you ashamed of our love?" He said it as a joke, but I wondered if he'd actually been offended.

 

I lifted my head to peck him on the lips. "Of course not."

 

"Then show me, brat." He growled.

 

Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought his soft lips back to mine. He lowered himself and ground his clothed erection against mine, making me whine. I wanted more, but I knew that I couldn't have it.

 

Right at that moment, as my back was arching and my disgustingly sexual noises were resonating throughout the room, Mikasa decided to reappear. 

 

"Oh my god!" She cried, staring slack-jawed at the two of us. "What the _fuck?"_  


 

"M-mikasa, I-" I choked on the rest of my words before they came out because Levi chose that moment to roll his hips yet again. Another groan left my lips without permission and Mikasa screeched and covered her eyes.

 

"You guys are fucking disgusting, holy shit. I'm leaving."

 

"No, Mikasa!" I tried to shove Levi off of me so I could run after her and apologize, but he refused to budge. He captured my wrists, his hands gliding up to entwine our fingers and securing them above my head. All I could do was squirm under his weight while he smirked down at me. Mikasa hurriedly got her shoes and coat on.

 

"Good fucking riddance!" Levi yelled as she closed the door behind her, loud enough that I'm sure she heard. 

 

When he looked back down at me, he was met with a piercing glare. "What the fuck was that about?"

 

I didn't understand. He'd been so cold and closed off lately, and then Mikasa shows up and all of a sudden he can't keep his hands off me long enough for me to send my fucking sister home. What the fuck?

 

"I can't let you forget where your loyalties lie. That bitch is trying to cloud your judgement." His hands worked at my button and fly, pulling out my dick as I waited for him to elaborate. He began to stoke it lazily. "You know she's gonna try to take you away from me, so I just wanted to make sure she knew how _in love_ we are." Levi's lips twitched up in a smirk at the word Love, as if it were nothing but a joke to him.

 

"That doesn't mean you can just- _Ah!"_ It was beginning to annoy me, how good he was at making my body betray me. How do you fight the man holding your dick in his hand, twisting and tugging and thumbing at the head like an expert?

 

Answer: You can't. 

 

"You're not going anywhere, right Eren?" His hand began to pick up the pace, causing me to buck my hips and arch my back. " _We're inseparable_." The words were supposed to be sweet, but when said in Levi's ominously threatening whisper, they were more disconcerting than anything. 

 

It was hard to concentrate when I was so close, so I didn't think about it too hard. I let a smile stretch my lips at Levi's possessiveness and came violently into his hand.

 

"That's a good boy." Levi praised before getting off me and heading towards the bathroom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long. Feel free to nag me at any time to post, because sometimes it actually helps haha.


	17. Remember When You Were Young, You Shone Like The Sun...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short it makes me wanna cry, but writing/updates are probably going to be difficult for a bit because my tablet got taken away :( So I really wanted to post something, at least.

We arrived at my childhood home half an hour late, due to the fact that Levi and I are terrible at getting our shit together and don't have much of a concept of time anymore. I was fidgeting during the whole ride there, anxious about being in a room full of people that hate my guts and despise Levi even more.

 

I knocked on the door and it swung open a few seconds later, revealing that horse-faced kid that used to be friends with Armin.

 

"Jean?" I sputtered.

 

He gave me a flat look. "Eren. Come in." And then he whirled around and disappeared somewhere further into the house. Levi grunted and toed his shoes off while I did the same.

 

"Eren, Levi, nice of you to make it." Greeted my father as we stepped into the dining room. The table was already set, an abundance of food lying in wait in the middle, getting cold as the others anticipated our arrival. 

 

"Sorry we're late, we ran into some... Trouble," I apologized, not wanting to mention that we'd been waiting for our dealer to message us back so that we could get high before making our appearance. I sniffed, trying not to avert my eyes as Mikasa zoned in on my red nose.

 

"Don't worry about it." Said Mikasa quietly from her place at the table. 

 

Levi replied with a cutting smile, making me flinch and Mikasa glare. "We won't."

 

Hoping to ward off the growing tension, my father plopped himself down in his chair at the head of the table. "Alright then, let's get started." 

 

Jean and Armin sat down on one side of the large rectangular table while Levi and I sat on the other, Mikasa remaining in her spot at the other end, opposite my dad. We all served ourselves quickly, everyone taking rather large portions of everything except for me and Levi. 

 

The room was silent except for the clinking of forks against plates, everyone staring awkwardly down at their food. Finally, Mikasa set down her utensils loudly and looked directly at me.

 

"Since it doesn't look like anyone's going to speak up anytime soon, I will."

 

Levi leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he appraised the girl. I narrowed my eyes, waiting for an explanation and trying to ignore the nervous feeling in my stomach.

 

"Eren, the reason we invited you here today is because we can't stand to see you destroy yourself any longer." She sighed. "This is an intervention."

 

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Levi's brows furrow in a deep scowl. "This is bullshit. We don't want your fucking help." He spat.

 

"You're going to hear us out, or I'll make sure that you're very sorry you didn't." Mikasa retorted venomously, leaving no room to doubt her claim.

 

Levi scoffed, but I told him to relax and let them speak. I thought that they at least deserved that much, even if there was no way we would listen to them. 

 

With my agreement, Mikasa cleared her throat and pulled a folded piece of paper out of her pocket. "Eren," she read. "Since I was brought into this family all those years ago, you've been my anchor, my shield and my confidant. Some may think that it was always me protecting you, but really, it was the other way around. You were there for me when I felt completely isolated and lost, and even though I was closed off and quiet for many years after my adoption, you never lost your patience with me. I'm so thankful for all the times you managed to make me smile when no one else could. That's why, even after the mistakes you've made and the awful things you tried to do to my friends, I refuse to give up on you. I may not have been there for you recently, but I've come to my senses. 

 

"So please, Eren, if you agree to go to rehab we can finally begin to rebuild the close relationship we used to have. Even though you've lost your way, you can still get your life back on track. We're willing to pay for your whole stay at any rehab center of your choice, and I promise that I'll support you every step of the way. Please take this opportunity."

 

Her whole speech was spoken in the same calm, even tone, but her eyes bore into mine with a desperation that I wasn't used to seeing. Although I knew I wouldn't accept her offer, I couldn't deny that she'd gotten to me. I could feel my eyes start to grow wet.

 

Before I had time to say anything, Armin was unfolding his own letter and holding it out in front of him. He talked about all the silly adventures we had together as kids and all the things we said we would do together when we grew up. He reminded me of our dream to see the ocean. Just like Mikasa, he expressed his forgiveness for what I'd done, blaming it on the drugs. 

 

That made me clench my jaw. They didn't understand anything at all; they just assumed I was some crazy junkie too hopped up on drugs to even be aware of what I was doing. I'd known what I had set out to do when I broke Armin's heart, and I still do. I had been angry and hurt and I wanted them to realize it, but I guess they never did.

 

Next was my father, who rambled on about how he still hoped that I would turn out to be the man he'd always imagined: strong, intelligent, respectable. His whole speech had me wanting to tear my hair out. Who the hell was he to tell me who I should be? He's the one who completely gave up on raising Mikasa and I after mom died; he had no right to act like a concerned parent now!

 

Still, I tried my hardest to quell my rage and keep quiet. I just wanted to get the emotional assault over with so that Levi and I could make our escape.

 

"Um, I guess it's my turn?" Began Jean, surprising me. I hadn't expected him to prepare a speech as well; he barely knew me, after all. "Eren, before anything else, I know that you used me to get back at Armin. And I'm sorry, but I'm not as forgiving as Armin and Mikasa; I still hold a grudge. What you did was stupid and selfish and such an asshole thing to do, it took me a long time to set aside my anger and write this speech. Even so, if it weren't for you, I never would have realized how much I care for Armin."

 

His hand snaked its way into Armin's lap to grasp his own, squeezing tight. "I truly believe that in the end, you only succeeded in bringing us closer. Armin and I only managed to realize our feelings and come together after you forced us to finally be open with each other. So for that, even though I may not forgive you, I'd still like to see you find happiness. Everyone in this room can see plainly how miserable you are, and it pains me to see Armin and Mikasa worry over you all the time. We all just want to see you healthy and whole again.

 

"If you get help, we can start fresh. I'll shove aside my resentment in order for you to have another friend to confide in, if you like. And if you don't want me around, I'll give you space. Just please do this, not for me, but for these two," he pleaded, gesturing to my sister and the coconut head. "They care about you a lot more than you know."

 

I was dumbfounded. Never had I expected anything remotely intelligent or deep to come out of this idiots mouth, but he sure showed me. Not only that, but I was shocked to see just how close he and Armin had gotten; they were still holding hands, clutching tight in order to give each other strength. The sincerity that was behind all of their speeches left me feeling like maybe what they were offering was something that I wanted. I couldn't deny how lonely I'd been lately, and it would be nice to have friends to talk to.

 

I glanced over at Levi and nearly flinched when I saw that he was already staring right at me with a smoldering glare that said, _"You better not even be considering this bullshit."_

 

I fiddled with my hands in my lap, at a loss for words and unwilling to look up at the imploring stares of everyone surrounding me. No matter what I chose, someone would be severely disappointed in me. Either way, I would be losing someone that I love. 

 

I didn't want to choose between them like this, so plainly, so publicly. I didn't want to have to see their look(s) of betrayal when I announced my choice. Why did my family have to make this so hard for me? How could they force me to pick a side?

 

I squeezed my eyes shut as my face settled into a scowl. My fists squeezed tight, cutting little half moon shapes into my palms.  

 

This was all just a ploy to steal me away from Levi. They didn't want me to be happy, they just didn't like seeing me with him. All of this was just another one of Mikasa's power trips, one of Armin's "brilliant" ideas, another opportunity for my dad to pretend that he still has any say in what I do with my life.

 

I opened my eyes, releasing a calming breath as I made eye contact with each person in the room. Left for last was Levi, and I found myself frowing at his face for much longer than anyone else. 

 

He was staring at me with a look of defeat, as though he were convinced that I'd chosen against him. I'd never seen such a crestfallen look on his face, although I'm sure that no one else in the room would see past his indifferent mask. It was his eyes, wide in betrayal, that made it so clear.

 

_"You're not going anywhere, right Eren?"_ I heard Levi's words in my head and remembered how many times I'd promised never to leave him. He thought I was about to break that promise.

 

"No." I said in a low, even voice. Everyone's heads snapped up to stare at me, eyes wide.

 

"What?" Mikasa whipped back, lightning fast.

 

"What?" Levi repeated, looking almost dumbfounded. 

 

I answered with all the conviction I could muster. "I said no. I won't go to rehab. I don't want to."

 

"But-" Began Mikasa, but I cut her off.

 

"Unless... You're willing to come with me?" I said to Levi, looking straight into his eyes and blocking out the rest of the room.

 

Everyone fell silent as they awaited Levi's response.

 

"You know I won't do that, Eren. I can't." He shook his head guiltily. For Levi, drugs were more than just a bad habit. They were his crutch, his solace, his way of life. This was the only way he could feel normal.

 

I nodded my head in understanding, grabbing his hand as we both stood up. "I think it's time that we leave, then." I looked around at the enraged faces filling the room. "Thanks for the offer, everyone, but it's not gonna happen."

 

"You're going to give all this up for that leech?!" Mikasa screeched.

 

"Please, Eren, won't you reconsider?" Begged Armin.

 

"I knew you would turn out to be a disappointment." Scoffed my father.

 

I could get angry and yell at all of them to stay out of my life, tell them that they knew nothing about me nor Levi, but what would that solve? No one will ever understand what Levi and I share. So instead, I gave them a salute and a careless smile, and then turned to walk out of this wretched house, dragging a stupefied Levi behind me.

 

When we got in the car, I turned to see that Levi still seemed to be recovering from all that had happened, the emotional stress that it brought. I hadn't known that he felt so strongly about me, that he could look the way he did back there. Like he was about to lose everything.

 

As if Levi knew what I was thinking while I stared into his eyes, he said, "Thanks. For not agreeing."

 

"You don't have to thank me for anything. I made the choice that I figured I would regret the least. I'm not going to leave you, Levi, not even if they try to tear me away."

 

With that, Levi let a small smile lift the corners of his lips and he pulled away from the curb.

 

***

 

Christmas eve is a surprisingly busy day for me. I never could have anticipated the number of lonely men willing to throw away their money for an hour of my time.  

 

Levi has it set up so that I'm working from early in the evening until late afternoon christmas morning. I get a few breaks in between, but the sheer number of fucks I'll have to endure tonight has my legs quivering.

 

I've been sufficiently high since my family dinner yesterday. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it, so I keep myself doped up enough that my mind can't even complete a thought. Sleep hasn't come for me yet and I don't expect it until much later. 

 

The problem with relying on any substance to keep a part of yourself at bay is that every time that you come down from your mind-numbing nothingness, everything hits you harder than before. Drugs themselves cause major chemical imbalances within the brain, so bad that someone who normally has no problems with self harm suddenly feels the urgent need to hurt themselves. If you already have a mental disorder on top of that, it's just a recipe for disaster. I know all of this, and I know that it all piles up until you either overdose or you let it crush you under its weight.

 

_I don't care._

 

_I don't care._

 

_I don't care..._

 

If I'm dead, would anything really be different? At least I can spend my waking hours in a state of indifference rather than spend them searching for a way to tear myself apart.

 

So I arrive at a seedy motel for my first job so high that I can hardly walk straight. As soon as I reached my room, I stepped out of my bulky winter clothes and flopped onto the bed. Lace and silk adorned the soft curves of my body, the creamy white of my panties and top contrasting beautifully against my tan skin. I may be pale and sickly, but my skin still holds the barest hints of its golden glory.

 

My customer arrives soon after, as I'm stretching myself out on the mattress. A pervy smile curls his lips up, making me want to vomit all over the shitty floral-print bedspread. I hide it, though, and purr seductively at him to come join me.

 

***

 

An hour later, I'm meeting my next client. The lights of the city dust everything in a soft blue glow against the darkening sky, making it look strangely beautiful and... homey. He greets me outside the motel, placing his hand on the small of my back as he leads us to the room that he's already booked.

 

"How would you like it today?" I croon as the door clicks shut behind us.

 

He turns to face me, and I notice that his expression has changed from the eager gaze he'd held me in previously. "Eren Jaeger, correct?" He asks.

 

"H-how-" I splutter, panic chilling my veins.

 

"My name is officer Hannes. Sorry, son, but you're under arrest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can try to guess how this'll go if you want, but I refuse to reveal the ending ;p


	18. Is there anybody in there?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I'm hoping Eren's thought process isn't too hard to understand... let's just say, Eren has a wild imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short too, fuck. *deflates*
> 
> Chap. title: Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

 

"I'm sorry!"

 

"I don't give a shit if you're sorry, brat! You're being charged for drug possession and fucking prostitution!"

 

"How was I supposed to know that this would happen?!"

 

"You should've been more careful, you fucking idiot. You should've noticed something was off."

 

"It's not my fault! It was Armin who tipped off his cop neighbor. He did this to me!"

 

Levi seemed to deflate in front of me. "Eren... Fuck, what are we going to do?"

 

I stared deep into the wide eyes of the man on the other side of the glass. Say what you want about him, but this right here was proof of how he cared. Behind his fractured mask of apathy, genuine fear had taken hold and was currently leaking through the cracks.

 

"I don't know." I told him defeatedly, and began crying hopelessly into my hands. "This is all so fucked."

 

***

 

After Officer Hannes had secured the handcuffs around my wrists, he searched my person for anything suspicious. The pat-down revealed the small bag of heroin that I had hidden in a secret pocket of my coat.

 

"Please don't do this! I can't go to jail, I'll give you anything, _please_." I pleaded.

 

Hannes shook his head sadly. "Boy, I'm doing this for your own good. You deserve a better life than this."

 

His hand squeezed painfully on my shoulder as he lead us out to his car. I struggled and sobbed the whole way.

 

"Why me? Why can't you go fix someone else? I don't want this!"

 

"Son, even if I were inclined to let a law-breaker like you go, I wouldn't. I owe a favour to that little mushroom boy, Armin. Bright kid, that one. He asked me to set you straight, so that's what I'll do."

Suddenly, I feel my pulse hammering throughout my entire body. "Armin put you up to this?!" _What the fuck?_ "I'M GONNA KILL HIM!" I shouted at the top of my lungs as Hannes shoved me into the back of his squad car. Didn't Armin realize that this wasn't just some game? You don't just ruin your friend's life because he won't listen to you! And of course Hannes thought he was some perfect little angel...

 

"Hush, boy, he's doing you good. You're lucky you have a friend that cares so much." The uniformed man chided as he ducked into the driver's side.

 

That stumped the rampant thoughts of hatred churning in my brain, but only for a moment. "He doesn't care! He just wants to see me suffer!"

 

Hannes shook his head in defeat and started the car.

 

"You don't know shit!" I screamed at the back of his head.

 

When we got to the station, Hannes took me through the booking process - scanning my fingerprints, measuring my height, et cetera. The whole time, the nausea in my stomach only intensified. I felt like I would hurl up the contents of my stomach at any moment.

 

The one phone call I got to make was to Levi, of course, but I was blubbering too hard for him to understand anything. I tried my hardest to let him know what had happened and where I was through my harsh, panicked sobs. Other than the obligatory, " _What the fuck did you just say?"_ that exploded from his mouth when I first tried to explain where I'd been taken, Levi remained silent until I finished. And then he hung up on me.

 

Afterwards, I was put into a holding cell until they determined what to do with me. It would be a while before my trial date, so for now I would have to wait in limbo. Already, I could feel the cravings coming on, only made worse by the debilitating anxiety I was experiencing. 

 

It took Levi hours to get here. I waited and waited in terrified solitude, imagining all the traumatic things that could happen to me in a prison full of convicts. Murderers. Rapists. Psychopaths. I hoped that seeing Levi would calm me down some, but it only made things worse.

 

***

 

The following months were hell. 

 

I awaited my sentence in a lonely agony, waiting for the worms to eat me away. 

 

See, They try to wean you off of your bad habits and onto these strange white pills. No one will tell me what they are, but apparently, _"It makes the pain go away."_ I always refuse; They cannot fool me, I will not ingest their bullshit. I want to scream at them every time They insist that I need to swallow their magic pills. No one seems to understand that I'd rather suffer in the pain of withdrawal than have to think about how my life has seemed to collapse on top of me. What will become of me now?

 

I have have no inkling as to how much time is passing as I lay curled up in a corner of my cell, scratching away at my skin and shaking uncontrollably. Sometimes I'm awake for days, other times I just can't seem to stay conscious longer than the time it takes to take a shit. Most of the time, I'm fighting off the weird drug-induced delusions that seemed to cripple me, or the strange voices in my head that are always whispering, hissing in my ear. They tell me that I need to shoot up. They tell me that I can't live like this, that I need to end it before the pain becomes too great. I don't know whether to listen to them or not, but I want to.

 

Levi doesn't visit. I have no idea what he's been doing without me. He probably isn't even affected. He's probably happy that I'm not around.

 

I spend my life in a haze, every aspect of my life belied by a deep ache that's rooted itself to my very core - until one day, I wake up to the sound of jingling keys.

 

"Your trial is today, Jaeger. Time to get it together." The guard said menacingly, mocking the unresponsive state I'd been in lately. All I did was sit and mumble to myself quietly in the corner, ignoring anyone who tried to talk to me. He probably just thought I was another drug-crazed lunatic. Hell, I guess that's what I was.

 

I let the two guards who had come to fetch me drag me to my feet. They cleaned me up the best they could and then cuffed me. I didn't try to give them any help as they struggled to keep me upright on the way out.

 

***

 

Feeling trapped is the worst kind of feeling for me. It makes me panicky, it makes it difficult to concentrate and it makes me want to lash out. Surrounded by all those people watching, judging, about to decide my fate, I felt the discomfort rise up like a snowball in my throat, making it hard to breathe or do anything at all.

 

I didn't care to listen to what the self-assured snobs in suits before me had to say; throughout the trial I tuned everyone out and sat quietly as my eyes darted around the room and the uneasy thoughts filled my head.

 

I was trapped, cornered. Not physically, not quite yet - but in my head, I was already serving my sentence.

 

I wanted to snatch my attorney's pen from his hand and scribble all over his notes, make him stop writing whatever he thought was so fucking important. Then I would take it and cover the walls with crude drawings and indecipherable gibberish. I would ruin their orderly beige color, trap everyone in the room with my crazed thoughts penned across the walls. So that they could slowly sink into my madness, and maybe then I wouldn't feel as if we were two completely different species.

 

And I wanted to saw the wooden table that I sat behind in half... And I wanted to pace back and forth... And I wanted scratch the judge's eyes out... And I wanted to roll around uncontrollably on the floor... And I wanted to hang myself from the ceiling...

 

I wanted to cover the courtroom floors in butter and watch everyone slip and fall on their asses.

 

I wanted to scream in the faces of every single person surrounding me, caging me in.

 

But I sat as still as my body would allow, and I breathed. I kept my eyes squeezed shut, ground my teeth and continued to desperately claw away at the walls inside my head. These thoughts - I don't know how to explain the insatiable urge to get up and do something completely irrational. I just needed to do _something_. I needed a distraction. 

 

The puppets danced around the room, pleading their cases, spewing their bullshit. Everyone in the room was so self-important, so confident in their places. I, on the other hand, only felt the great need to tear my hair out and smash my forehead against the table.

 

The jury all stood up and marched out of the room. It was time for a break; you could hear the collective sigh of relief as everyone got to their feet and went to do whatever it is that free people do.

 

"Eren? Do you want to get up and walk around? You haven't moved an inch since you sat down." asked my attorney. I didn't mind him, actually; he was nice, although a bit bland.

 

Yet I remained silent.

 

"Do you want anything to eat?"

 

I wanted to jump to my feet and yell that _no_ , I didn't want some fucking food, I wanted to stab a needle into my vein. And after I emptied it, I would drag it down my forearm while it was still buried deep. And I would sit there and watch the blood drip down my fingers as the numbness washed it all away.

 

  
_"I want to kill myself!"_ I longed to scream at the unsuspecting man offering to do me a favor, but I just sat there, staring straight forward, and I breathed.

 

With a shake of his head, the lawyer dismissed me with an, "Okay, then." He turned and made his way towards the exit, muttering, _"Fucking loon,"_ under his breath as he went.

 

And then somehow I found myself locked up in prison with a fancy new cell to call my own and a whole year to spend in it. I don't remember how I got from the courtroom to here, or the looks on my family's faces as I was taken away, or even the jury marching back into the courtroom to deliver my sentence.

 

It's blank.

 

All I know is that I was heavily restrained when they dropped me off. And my attorney had deep bite marks on his neck when he explained my sentence to me, slowly, enunciating each word as if he thought I couldn't understand plain english. There were bruises all over my body and I had this barely-there feeling that I wasn't really me anymore. I was wild, out of control. But I really didn't care. Everything seemed beyond caring about. It was all so hopeless; everything I had- gone.

 

I curled up on my bed and began the tedious work of building up the thick brick walls in my head. To protect myself. To keep the crazy in.

 

_And so began my year in prison._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :) And if you have any questions or need something clarified, feel free to ask.
> 
> Edit: Fuck, I can't even make myself look at this chapter anymore. Brings up too much shit. I'm sorry that I wrote this


	19. And The Worms Ate Into His Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The highlight reel of Eren's year in lock up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck guys, I'm sorry. this was supposed to be up wayyy earlier, but im the fucking worst, okay? This chapter was about 10% actual writing and 90% procrastination. I'm a lazy stoner and you can't expect much from me
> 
> But hey! it's finally here! I apologize to anyone who's reading this on mobile, because this chapter is very heavy on the formatting. I hope it doesn't bother anyone too much

 

 

 

 

 

**April:**

 

So my cell mate's name is Pixis. He's an old man with a weird-ass sense of humor and a nasty gas problem, but at least he's not some perverted rapist. (I hope.) We mostly just talk. He doesn't share why he's in here and neither do I, but Pixis gives me tips on who to avoid and who to befriend, as well as some wise-old-man-advice that may or may not make sense. I haven't figured it out yet.

 

Other than my occasional conversations with Pixis, though, I decidedly avoid interacting with anyone. I keep my head down and do as I'm told, and then I go back to my cell and stare up at the top bunk in silence. So far I've been able to keep out of trouble and keep myself isolated in my little bubble of self-hatred.

 

The worst of the withdrawal has passed and now I'm just a freak who will never quite be the same. I'm a broken version of the boy I used to be. 

 

I can't get over this nagging sense that nothing is real; it's as if, even as I live through the actions of my daily life, I don't quite believe them. It all seems fake, like I'm in a movie; like I'm not living my life, but someone else's. It makes me want to sit down and argue with myself about what is true and what is my own fantasy.

 

I want to believe that this is all a dream. 

 

It's hard to keep reality straight when you spend so much time in your head. Instead of remembering significant things that I've done or places I've seen, in prison, my memories are all of significant thoughts that I've had.

 

_Hey, remember two days ago when I spent two hours thinking of all the different ways you can eat peanut butter? That was a good time. Or what about the time I remembered where I'd left my glasses in tenth grade?_

 

These temporary distractions are just that: temporary. Inevitably, my mind always drifts longingly back to memories of firm hands on my hips, fingers through my hair, chapped lips brushing against mine. Or, even more common: sweet sugar in my veins; numb, mindless hours spent in total indifference; the sting and pinch marking the moment where it starts all over again.

 

I miss Levi a lot. I wish he would visit.

 

But I miss his poison even more.

 

 

 

 

**May:**

 

The first time I have a conversation with someone other than Pixis, and it ends with me getting my ass kicked. Some fuckhead bumped into me in the cafeteria, and I would've put the guy in his place right then for spilling my food all over me, but it just so happened that this fucker was built like a surly walrus and looked ready to rip me to pieces. 

 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He demanded, assaulting my face with a spray of spittle. His furry eyebrows nearly covered his eyes with the way he was scowling, the dark curling hair of his beard hiding most of his frown. 

 

I stood my ground and glared up at the man, but I was terrified. My mouth cracked open but no sound came out.

 

"You going to apologize, punk?"

 

Blame the drugs and the high number of my precious brain cells that they killed, because for some reason I let the following words spill from my mouth: "You're the one who pushed _me_ , you fat fuck!"

 

The man blinked in surprise, but then just chuckled and whipped an arm out to snatch a handful of my messy brown hair, gripping it close to the scalp. I whimpered in pain as he yanked me towards him and drove his knee into my stomach, hard.

 

"You can be louder than that, sweetheart," The man purred into my ear. "Come on, I love to hear a bitch scream."

 

With another few blows to my middle, I could barely breathe and most of my weight was being held up by the hand on my head, tearing the hair from my scalp. I didn't have enough strength left to stand.

 

  
_"Let me go!"_ I forced out in a gravelly voice.

 

The Walrus dropped me on the floor without protest, immediately kicking my side as hard as he could when I landed on my hands and knees. Next came a kick to my head and before I had time to react, his foot was coming down hard on my hand. This time, I couldn't hold back the agonized noises that were scraping up my throat and forcefully pushing their way out. My scream rang out through the entire cafeteria, silencing anyone who wasn't already watching the fight.

 

Finally, the guards must've decided that it was time to do their job and step in. I heard their heavy steps rush towards us while the man above me crushed my hand under his weight, grinding his foot down and twisting. My throat was beginning to get raw from the uncontrollable screams and cries clawing their way out of my mouth.

 

"Break it up! Now!" One of the officers ordered sternly. The Walrus raised his hands in mock surrender with a smirk, removing his foot from my hand and backing away.

 

I curled up on the floor and clutched my hand to my chest. Everyone was still watching me, smiling, laughing. I tried to stop the shaking and calm myself down. My breathing was ragged and uneven and broken occasionally by hiccuping sobs that I tried very hard to suppress. Unfortunately, that only made them sound more pained and pathetic. 

 

The two guards moved to coerce me back to my feet, but I lunged out of their reach, throwing myself at my attacker. My fingernails raked claw marks across his bald head as I attacked him like a rabid cat. He tried to grab hold of me, but I twisted and squirmed and bit down hard into the flesh of his beefy arm. By the time the guards finally got me down on the ground, arms pulled uncomfortably behind my back, the Walrus was dripping blood from numerous places.

 

Roughly, they jerked me to a stand and dragged me down to the infirmary to get me fixed up before dropping me in solitary confinement.

 

The next week, I tried to call Levi, but there was no answer.

 

 

 

 

**June:**

 

It's warm outside. The snow is long gone, replaced by soft summer breezes and joyous sun showers. Flowers are blooming; the grass is a bright green; insects and birds are fluttering around, breaking the silence and making sure that the world never feels too lonely.

 

And I have to let it all go to waste while I whither away behind bars.

 

Determined not to let everything slip away from me, I take to calling Levi every day until he answers. It only takes a week.

 

  
_"What?"_ His voice is thin and tinny, but the monotony of it is comforting. He sounds vaguely annoyed, but that doesn't matter to me. I've always had that affect on him.

 

There's no point beating around the bush. I take a breath to compose myself and plunge right in. "Why won't you answer my calls, Levi?"

 

_"I've been busy."_

 

I'm not sure if I believe him. No. No, I don't believe him. "Why haven't you visited?"

 

  
_"...Really busy,"_ he amends his previous statement.

 

"Doing what?!" I demand. "It's been months!"

 

  
_"Figuring shit out now that you've gotten yourself thrown in fucking prison, that's what! This hasn't just affected you, brat. Now, I have the cops on my ass, sniffing around trying to find dirt on me, too. Nobody wants to deal to a punk with the fucking pigs breathing down his neck, Eren,"_ Levi ranted, sounding none-too-pleased with me. It definitely explained why he hadn't been around, he was probably incredibly irritable right about now. Especially if he wasn't getting his regular doses.

 

"Fuck, you know I never meant for this to happen, Levi. I'm sorry."

 

Levi was silent on the other end.

 

"I'm so fucking sorry." I heard my voice crack and cringed. "Please come visit?"

 

He heaved a long sigh that was just audible over the phone. " _Fine. Fine, I'll come down sometime this week, okay?"_

 

I closed my eyes and tilted my head back as a relieved smile spread across my face. "Thank you," I breathed.

 

" _Yeah,"_ Levi responded distractedly.

 

"I love you," I told him, just as sincerely as always. 

 

  
_"I know,"_ came Levi's flat reply, and then the line went dead. 

 

I got back to my cell and fell into bed with a smile. Soon, I would see Levi and everything would be fine.

 

That night, I lay awake for hours, stretched across my small, uncomfortable mattress.

 

I imagined

  
_digging my nails_ into the _smooth skin_ of my forearms _,_

  
_clawing_ at it.

  
_T_ _rails of **blood**_ _drip_

down

my

arms

as _I open wound after wound_ ,

a _web of **red**_.

The _scratches_ and _scrapes_ are

_h a p h a z a r d  and  u n r u l y,_

  
_covering_ my arms in this

  
_i_ _ntricate_

_network_

_of_

_interconnecting_

_paths._

 

An artwork. I'll name it _Anticipation_.

 

It's strangely calming, satisfying, and I keep the image in my head for as long as possible, longing to sink something deep into my flesh.

 

 

 

 

**July:**

 

The guard lets me know I have a visitor, and it shocks me so much that I don't react for a good ten seconds. After my brain finally processes the information, I jump to my feet and hurry toward the man.

 

As he leads me toward the visiting room, I try to get a handle on the plethora of emotions spinning through me. The last time I'd talked to Levi had been about three weeks ago, when he'd promised to see me within that week. And yet, he'd never shown up. Even after I waited for him with undying hope, day after day, for two weeks. After that, though, I began to grow bitter. 

 

I didn't bother trying to call Levi back; he probably wouldn't answer anyways. I didn't like speaking to him over the phone, because to really understand Levi, you had to be able to see the subtle changes in his demeanor as he spoke. If you can't see him, you can't tell what he's feeling; ergo, you have no idea if he means what he says or not. Over the phone, he could be lying to me the whole time and I wouldn't even notice. All I hear is a flat voice.

 

So now I had this pesky voice of anger joining the others in my head, bitching and moaning about all the things we should yell at Levi. And then there was the opposition, the voice that pleads, _'But you love him. And he loves you. Come on, Eren, I'm sure he has a good reason. He wouldn't lie to you on purpose.'_

 

"Shut up!" I bark at both of them, and the two guards escorting me whip around in surprise.

 

"What did you just say?" one asks threateningly.

 

"N-nothing, I didn't..."

 

"Watch your fucking mouth, kid," snaps the other.

 

We reach the visiting room and they install me in one of the chairs at a table near the center of the visitation room. Only, it's not Levi on the other side.

 

It's Mikasa.

 

"Hi, Eren." she greets with a tentative smile.

 

The disappointment latches on to me and immediately starts pulling me down, as if God has just decided to turn up the gravity. Everything in me sinks, droops, including my face. 

 

"Don't look at me like that," Mikasa complains.

 

"How should I look then?" I deadpan, and I can see that already, my sister is starting to get impatient with me.

 

"Eren..."

 

"No, tell me. How should I react to seeing the sister that no doubt had a hand in selling me out? Should I be excited? Grateful that you finally thought to visit me after three months? You're the one who put me here, bitch!" I snarl at her bitterly.

 

"I'm sorry, okay? I know that you're not going to forgive us for this, but you have to see that you pushed us to do it! I never wanted to hurt you, Eren, but I didn't know what else to do."

 

I lowered my head to dramatically hit it against the table. "You're never going to get it, are you? I'm not your responsibility anymore. You gave up any right to tell me what to do when you fucking kicked me out and left me without a home. Things aren't ever going to be the way they were before, so you need to stop deluding yourself." 

 

"It doesn't-" Mikasa began to plead, but I interrupted her before she could piss me off any more.

 

"Yes it does have to be that way, Mikasa. That's the way I fucking want it, because otherwise I think I might try to murder you in your sleep. I don't want to hear you grovel anymore. You need to accept that we can't change what's already happened. Go play with your 'normal' friends and leave me the fuck alone."

 

"But Eren, please just give me another chance. We can put everything behind us."

 

I brought my fist down hard against the table, drawing the eyes of other curious visitors and their counterparts. "I'm not your little brother anymore! You don't even know me!"

 

Tears were beginning to build in my sister's eyes. "I know you." she protested quietly.

 

"No you don't. I'm fucked up, Mikasa. Bat Shit Crazy. My brain doesn't fucking work anymore. The wiring's all fucked up, drowned in cocaine and heroin. I'm a completely different person, and this Eren _doesn't fucking want you_ _in his life."_

 

By now, the tears were rolling down her soft cheeks. All she could do was shake her head in denial.

 

"You need to leave." I told her in a soft yet stern tone.

 

"Please, Eren, I love you." She continued to beg, as if those words would change my mind. 

 

I decided to pull a trick from Levi's bag to handle this situation. With a look that could freeze a fucking ocean and a voice so bored that it sounded as if I was about to fall asleep, I spoke the two words that meant everything, and yet nothing to me: "I know." It was a dismissal, and my sister knew it.

 

Mikasa looked disturbed; there's no other way to describe the way her mouth curled in distaste and the indignant way that her eyes widened in shock, as if she couldn't even comprehend the fact that I didn't love her back. Up until this moment, I don't think that she'd really believed that I didn't want her in my life anymore. But the pure cold hatred I'd just displayed on my face had finally gotten through to her.

 

I got up and let the guard know that I was ready to head back.

 

***

 

Can you believe my surprise when the very next day, I had another visitor?

 

This time, the walk down was spent being wary and suspicious, hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with another stressful interaction. What if Armin had decided to show up and give forgiveness a shot?

 

So I was on edge and guarded as I sat down, only to be faced with the fucking shadow man, Mr. Levi Ackerman himself. The bags under his eyes had reached a new level of unsettling, not unlike the rest of his disheveled appearance. 

 

"Finally decided to show up?" 

 

"I'm sorry, kid, alright?" His face showed no evidence of that claim. "The time got ahead of me."

 

"You told me you would come almost a month ago!"

 

"Yeah, I know."

 

"...And? What's your excuse?" I pressed.

 

"I don't have one."

 

_Holy shit, this man is infuriating!_ "Then what the fuck, Levi?"

 

"I didn't want to hurt you, but... I didn't want to come here, either. I'm sorry." He apologized cryptically.

 

I was completely lost. "What?" 

 

Levi's eyes roamed around the room as he tried to grasp for words. "I... It's not you, it's me...?" he tried.

 

"Seriously Levi, I have no idea what you're trying to say."

 

"I don't know how to explain it to you, kid. I wanted to see you, but... I didn't want to see you. Every time I tried to build up the resolve to come, it was just... Stressful. So I kept getting high instead, and then I kept forgetting..."

 

"Okay... Mixed emotions are understandable, I guess. I get that you're probably angry with me, and this is difficult for you too, so I forgive you." Even as the words left my mouth, I had to force myself to believe them. "Just don't make me wait so long next time, alright?" 

 

"Yeah."

 

"Good."

 

 

 

 

**August:**

 

I'm not drowning.

 

After Levi came to visit me the first time, I made him promise to come back once a week. I pleaded with him until he agreed. And so far, he's kept that promise. Every Tuesday, he shows up at the exact same time wearing the exact same unimpressed look.

 

Pixis and I were starting to grow close, as well. It was nice to have someone like him, so jovial and carefree, yet incredibly wise. He always knew what to say after I'd come back from a visit with Levi, tears in my eyes because of something he'd said, or after I'd just had the shit kicked out of me again.

 

Things are okay, and I am not drowning. But it feels like I'm treading water, working constantly to keep my head aboveground. I knew that one day, I would be too exhausted to keep kicking, and the dark tendrils reaching for me from below would wrap around my ankles and drag me under. It's always at night, when I have nothing left to distract me, that they creep up and tickle the bottoms of my feet, reminding me of everything that I don't want to think about.

The darkness,

       the pointlessness,

             the hopelessness,

                   the helplessness. 

 

I'm scared of my own thoughts. I want them out of my head before they kill me. Sometimes, to try and counteract the voices, I reminisce about times when I was younger and somewhat happy. Long, sunny days with Armin and Mikasa, spent outside, exploring and making our own fun. 

 

I think about going to see the ocean one day with Armin, like we always said. But that always makes me feel worse, because it reminds me of all the knives I've lodged into his heart these last few years. I'm fully aware of how horrible I was to him and Mikasa, and now that I have an endless amount of time, sober, to sit and think... I want to hurt myself every time I think of all the shit I put everyone through. 

 

My only (brief) moments of sunshine are during Levi's visits. We sit on opposite ends of a shitty table-and-bench combination and complain at each other; me about the boredom and the shitty food; him about his crappy new job, crazy one night stands, and lack of illegal substances. But once in a while, one of us will blurt out one thing that'll make the other burst out laughing, and then we'll both be smiling and chuckling and that's when I remember: I love this man. I love the way he fights his smiles until the very last second, when they bloom beautifully across his face and an unrestrained bubble of laughter breaks free from his chest.

 

The only problem is, by the time I get back to my cell, the cravings are already crawling up my spine. Seeing him always makes me ache. I want Levi, and I want drugs, and by now I'm pretty sure those two are synonymous with each other, equally addictive and destructive. But I need them so bad.

 

 

 

 

**September:**

 

My existence feels like nothing but a vast void, like...

Like, my life is space, and our solar system is the small niche I've carved out for myself.

 

The planets

are all the people I've ever

cared about, big and important, yet

few and far between.  And Even though

they may be in constant motion, they

never seem to stray from their

God-given paths. 

 

**Levi** **i** **s the sun,**

**bright and demanding attention,**

**worthy of reverence.**

 

The asteroid belt

that resides along the fringe is

composed of the nobodies, the good-for-nothings

and the villains. They're constantly colliding and bouncing off

each other, chance encounters that either mean nothing or can change everything.

And then there's me, the asteroid that has been shoved out of

the crowd and sent on a spiraling path to nowhere,

hurtling towards the enticing heat

of the sun. 

 

I've already

crashed

and

burned...

Now I lay sizzling, rapidly deteriorating into nothing at all.

Levi had

s w a l l o w e d 

me up and

spat out my barren remains,

taking over my life so that

everything

revolved

around

him.

And I'd wanted it all.

I still worship my sun, and when I wasn't being blinded by his overpowering presence, it was then that I noticed

how incredibly

e m p t y

my life is.

Sure, there are billions of galaxies

and stars

and planets

scattered across this great black plain of nothingness,

but they did nothing to fill the incredibly wide gaps in between.

There was too much space, too much time, and nothing to fill it with.

This was my life.

 

"Do you miss me, Levi?" I asked on a whim.

 

The shadow-man at the opposite end of the table peered at me with an unreadable expression. "Of course I do, brat."

 

"Are... Are you sure?" Somehow, I just didn't believe him. I needed to know that when I got out of here, he would be waiting for me. There's no way I could make it through this without him.

 

"Yes, I'm sure. Stop asking stupid questions."

 

***

 

"Levi, do you love me?" 

 

"What kind of question is that?"

 

"I just really need to hear the words, Daddy." 

 

_Sigh._ "I love you, Eren. Happy?"

 

"Say it like you mean it!"

 

"Who says that I mean it?"

 

"Levi!"

 

"Alright, alright. I love you, kid, I swear it." 

 

A corner of his mouth ticked up, making him look pretty goofy when mixed with his red-lined eyelids laid over rapidly moving eyes. They never settled on one thing, always darting from one sudden interest to the next.

 

"Then I love you, too."

 

***

 

Despite Levi's reassurances, I noticed that he began to become more and more reserved with each visit. He was colder and more detached every time I saw him. No matter how I tried to keep our bond strong, the circumstances just wouldn't allow it.

 

"Levi?"

 

"What."

 

"You're not going to leave me, are you?"

 

It took Levi too long to answer. "No."

 

"It's just that you seem so unhappy and distant lately..."

 

"I live in the real world, Eren, sorry if I'm not shitting rainbows. Shit's hard for me too right now."

 

_Ouch._ "Wouldn't it help if you told me what's bothering you?"

 

"What the fuck would that help? I'd rather not drudge back through all the crap that I've had to deal with lately, okay?"

 

"You complain all the time about trivial things. How is this different?"

 

"Because I'm not a pity-party kind of guy, and you know that. Ignoring shit and erasing it with a good high are my preferred ways of doing things, and I don't see what's so fucking wrong with that."

 

"If you hold it in, it only makes it worse. That's what my mom always told me." 

 

Levi laughed, loud and sarcastic. "How's that working out for you, baby? Is your life a bowl of sunshine, yet?"

 

I'll admit, I was a bit offended. "No, but that doesn't mean that you won't explode eventually, Levi. You can bury all the pain you want, but it'll come back up."

 

Levi and I both fell silent as our competing glares bore into each other. The longer we stared, the more tension built up in the space between us. I could see the rage in Levi's eyes burning brighter with each passing moment.

 

"Fine, brat, you wanna hear how my life's really been lately?" He baited with a deadly calm voice.

 

I knew that whatever I was about to get would not be what I wanted, but I latched onto his carrot anyway. 

 

"Of course."

 

"Where the fuck do I start? Well first, you got hauled off to jail and it makes me so fucking angry every time I fall into bed and mourn the fact that you won't be crawling in next to me. Then, I decided to get heavily into meth because why the hell not? I've always liked it and I have nothing better to do, anyways. I got fired from my job because I was too cranked up to fucking hold a spatula, so then I had to find another one. But the funniest part is - _Ha!_ Are you ready? - I can't even fucking enjoy sex anymore because I keep wishing I was fucking you!" 

 

My mouth dropped open, because there was no way I could've seen that coming. Levi didn't like sex? Was the world ending?

 

"Don't look so happy, you little cunt. I fucking hate what you've done to me. Before you came along, I was cool and collected and nothing fazed me. I was strong and always had the upper hand. No one could hurt me, because I never cared about anything. I don't want this, Eren! I don't want to worry about what's happening to you, I don't want to notice the empty spot that you used to fill everywhere I go. This is fucking torture, and you make me come back here every week just to make sure that your claws are still dug in as deep as always. Just so I can go home and feel like absolute shit all over again."

 

Tears were gathering in my wide eyes. "W-what are you trying to say?"

 

Levi stood from his seat. "I'm done, Eren. I can't do this anymore."

 

Everything around me seemed to split, crack, fracture. "But Levi-"

 

"Right from the beginning, I knew this was a bad idea. As soon as I started getting feelings for you, I was fucking terrified. I tried to push you away but you refused to fucking give up... God, you're such a stupid kid, you know that? Even after I dragged you through the mud over and over again, you would bounce right back and come begging for my attention again."

 

Levi's fury exploded when he noticed me shaking my head in denial, refusing to listen to the hatred spilling from his mouth.

 

"You can't keep living this weird fantasy of yours, _for fuck's sake_ Eren! Stop pretending that what we had was special, because it wasn't. It was selfish and destructive and fucked up. I can't make you happy and I never will."

 

I opened my mouth to argue, but was cut off as Levi continued his rant.

 

"I tried to do the whole boyfriend thing, I really did. And I convinced myself that as long as I made sure you couldn't leave, I wouldn't get hurt. But now you're in here and it's so hard to be alone again. I hate myself for being so weak, and I absolutely loath you for getting me here. Fuck you, Eren."

 

I could feel the hysteria rising up like bile in my throat. "No... Levi, don't do this. Please, _please_ don't. You're all I have left. You told me you wouldn't leave!"

 

I watched as the guilt threatened to root Levi to his place, but he shook it off and steeled himself. "I lied."

 

At those two calmly spoken words, I lost it. I jumped to my feet as well, throwing my arms around and swearing up a storm. "You fucking bastard! You're the one who got me stuck in here! I swear to God, if you leave me alone I'll - I'll kill you!"

 

Mushy confessions were Levi's weak point, but fighting - that was Levi's talent. It allowed him to swallow up whatever he'd been feeling before and hide it all behind his indifferent front. A rancid sneer even pulled at his lips as he sealed off his humanity and let the monster take over.  

 

"Don't you get it, brat? I don't want you anymore. After this, I'll disappear into the shadows, move into a new apartment and you're never going to see me again. Do me a favour, kid, and just forget about me."

 

And as I crumpled into myself and dissolved into a fit of broken, full-bodied sobs, Levi turned on his heel and walked out of the visiting room. He didn't look back.

 

 

 

 

**October:**

 

Fifty shades of grey... heh, I wish that title wasn't already taken, because it would be perfect if I ever decided to write an autobiography. Man, if only my life had turned out like Anastasia's.

 

"Eren, you can't keep sulking like this. You're not helping anything." Uttered Pixis from the top bunk, but I didn't bother answering. He'd been trying to cheer me up for the past month to no avail.

 

"Did this boy really mean that much to you?" Of course Pixis wouldn't get it; what Levi and I had couldn't be explained or demonstrated, it just was. It had been everything I could have wanted, and now it was gone.

 

I felt the bed frame shake and heard the blankets rustle as Pixis turned over with a huff, finally ready to give up and go to sleep.

 

***

 

"Oh, Eren..." the woman on the other side of the table tutted. "Look at you."

 

"What's wrong with me?" I snapped moodily, more just because I felt like arguing rather than being offended.

 

Hanji's eyes widened. "What happened to you?"

 

I laughed a humorless laugh. "What didn't happen to me? I was kicked out of my home, got hooked on drugs, became a prostitute, was arrested and locked up, and then the love of my life told me that he doesn't want me anymore." The bitter sarcasm dripping from my every word was enough to make my visitor cringe. "Why? Does it show on my face?"

 

She shook her head, eyes wide. "I'm so sorry, Eren... I never expected this to happen. I never would have left."

 

"There's nothing you can do about it now, Hanji."

 

"Of course there is! I'm not going to let you rot in here. You're my pretty baby! I'll get you back on your feet!"

 

"Hanji-" I began to protest, but was cut off by her manic rambling.

 

"I know I was gone for a long time and that a lot has happened since I left, but that doesn't mean that you can just give up so easily Eren! We'll get your life back on track."

 

"Who says that I gave up?"

 

"It's written all over your face, and in your body language. Eren, you look like shit. When was the last time you took a shower?"

 

"I don't know, a few days... Or, um..."

 

"See? You can't even remember the last time you thought to take care of yourself. Look, sweetie, I know that you loved Levi a lot and that it will take a lot of time to get over him, but you have to start focusing on yourself. "

 

Hanji continued lecturing me about proper eating habits and the like while I just nodded along as if I was actually listening. 

 

"You still have a chance at being happy, Eren. Don't let it go to waste." Were her parting words, and then she was off.

 

I left feeling annoyed, walking back to my cell in stony silence. Pixis wasn't anywhere in sight when I arrived, so I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes.

 

Despite my skepticism, I realized that somehow, Hanji had managed to catch my attention. Now that I could let everything she'd said sink in, it did sort of make sense. I didn't want to live this way, completely miserable with nothing to look forward to. Maybe if I could start small, like she said, and slowly begin changing a few things about myself.... Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

 

I thought over all her suggestions and decided that attempting a few of them couldn't hurt.

 

 

 

 

**November:**

 

So I'm trying this new thing called "being positive."

 

First, I finally swallowed my pride and asked Pixis if I could go to one of his group therapy sessions. He chuckled at my lack of enthusiasm, but brought me along anyways. It was nothing special, just a bunch of misguided souls mumbling about their feelings, but I supposed that it might do me some good to open up. Not right away, of course, but after a few weeks I found that hearing everyone else's stories kind of made me want to share my own. The things that I had in common with the other men in the room were strangely reassuring, and I found slight comfort in hearing about the lives that were much worse than my own.

 

At the counselor's request, I began working out as well, mostly as a way to take my mind off things. It filled the many free hours I had every day with something that I could obsess over. Socializing still wasn't a thing that I was good at, but every once in a while, someone at the gym would strike up a mundane conversation with me. I focused all my energy on the goals that I set for my future body, and in the meantime, it seemed that I'd managed to snag a friend or two. 

 

Marlo was the first, who had simply asked me if I knew the proper way to do some kind of exercise, to which I'd laughed and said no. From there, we both just kind of bonded over the fact that we were two scrawny weaklings who had no idea how to navigate a gym. Both of us were awkward as hell, so the friendship was slow-going, but eventually I found myself looking forward to spending a few hours at the gym next to him. Marlo never expected me to fill the silence, never pressed me to speak when I just wanted to be left alone, and for that, I was so grateful.

 

Next came Mitabi, who was this big, beefy guy that I began to notice was at the gym a lot as well. One day, I finally built up the courage to ask for some advice since he seemed to know what he was doing. He was surprisingly kind as he went through the motions with me and instructed me on proper form. The next time I asked him for help, I was exponentially less nervous about it. Eventually, after this happened a few more times, he became my pseudo-instructor of sorts. I didn't even have to ask anymore, he would come join Marlo and I whenever we showed up and we would all go through our routine together. Mitabi taught us how to vary all our exercises so that each part of our body was worked and balanced out. 

 

I began to find that as my body got healthier, so did my mind. With most of my day being filled with friends and activity, I had hardly any time at all to dwell on shit. Lunches were spent with Marlo, or Mitabi and his small group of buddies. Once a week, I would head down to the visitation room to meet Hanji, who would talk my ear off for as long as they would let her stay - once or twice she even had to be forcibly removed from her seat because she kept screaming at the guard saddled with the task of escorting me back to give me more time. In therapy, I worked on being more aware of other people and how they feel, as well as how to express my own emotions in a healthy manner. (Which is much harder than it sounds.) 

 

Unfortunately, prison still fucking sucked. It's a hell with very few safe havens. I still get the shit kicked out of me too often for my liking - and I'd had a few close calls with other traumatic events, as well - but at least I was getting stronger. I'm not gonna lie and say that my depression has suddenly disappeared, or that I'm a "changed man", but I will admit that I'd finally managed to find some kind of light - even if it was just a spark - and it felt amazing to actually want to be alive.

 

Underneath it all, shoved to the darkest crevices of my mind, were the cravings. It pained me to even think about drugs, killed whenever I let my thoughts stray towards Levi. I kept my infatuations hidden away, chained up and well-guarded. For whenever they got free, the chaotic demons hiding beneath my skin would wreak havoc, crumbling me back into the hopeless pile of rubble that I'd been trying to rebuild.

 

 

 

 

**December:**

 

Can you believe it's almost been a year since that fateful day? ~~The day my family turned against me.~~

 

_Shh, Eren, you're not supposed to think like that._

 

Right, my mistake - the day my family finally "showed me how much they cared". For the sake of my recovery, I'm trying my hardest not to hate them. I know that they only wanted to help and that they could see no other option. Hopefully, one day I'll be able to forgive Armin and Mikasa. The longer I stew in my boredom and loneliness, the more I miss the comfort of having people around that you can trust no matter what; people who won't try to manipulate you to get what they want or scream at you for every mistake; people who will laugh and joke with you so effortlessly, so carefree, because they've known you forever.

 

It hurts to think about how different this Christmas will be from the last; no family dinner, no fights, no Levi, no drugs, no sleazy men paying for a quick fuck. It'll just be me and my small group of friends, and maybe Hanji if she can make it. Compared to the tumultuous holiday I'd had last year, this one would be calm, quiet and uneventful. Strangely, I was looking forward to that aspect of it.

 

As presents, I've decided to write letters to everyone - Hanji, Mikasa, Armin and Levi. One of the counselors said that if it's too hard to put your feelings into words, then it might be beneficial to try and write them down. So that's what I'll do: I'm going to pour my heart and soul into those letters, regardless of what the receivers will think. I'm going to bitch and complain and say everything that I've ever wanted to scream at them; and then, I'm going to apologize. To Mikasa, for being such a brat even though I'm really grateful that she still cares; to Armin, for purposely hurting him so deeply and personally when he really hadn't done anything malicious towards me; to Hanji, for being so moody and nasty when she comes to visit sometimes. 

 

And to Levi, I'll apologize for letting things get as bad as they did. After his overdose, I should've woken the hell up and done something. Instead, I let my silly infatuation completely cloud any rational thinking I could come up with. I let us sink so easily into this quicksand without even putting up a fight. 

 

I'll write pages and pages about how I want to hate him for each little lie that Levi fed me, each trick that he played on my mind, every insult that he anchored to my heart. I'm finally going to grow a pair and tell him that he had no right to treat me the way he did. I realize that now. Even though I never stopped him, he took advantage of my fragility and played it to his advantage. And I'll never recover from that. His influence will always overshadow my own opinions, my own desires. I'll never quite forget the behaviors that he instilled in me. I don't even remember how to be independent.

 

I'll always be Levi's laughable little lap dog. 

 

Last in my letter, after I've written paragraph after paragraph about my hatred for him, I'll apologize for it all, because it's all my fault. I'm sorry for loving him and not being able to stop. All it has caused is immeasurable pain for the both of us.

 

I'm sorry, Levi, for making you love me.

 

 

 

 

**January:**

 

Three months until freedom. Just three more.

 

I've gotten really good at tricking myself. Whenever my body aches for another hit, or another touch from the man who's face I've scratched from every memory I have, all I have to do is replace that pain with another. You can't tell the difference between physical, mental and emotional pain when your whole being is throbbing. I pump all my energy into the gym, stretching, working and tearing muscles until I can't go on any longer.

 

Every time I feel lonely, I cover it up by initiating bland conversation with one of my 'friends.' Lately, every time I spend time with them, it feels fake, staged. It feels like I'm trying to replace the true friends I'd once had with cheap imitations.

 

My counselor has finally crawled through all my shit and seen through my numerous cowardly evasions; now, he's gone in for the kill. He's been tearing Levi apart, dissecting every unhealthy aspect of our relationship and ripping it to pieces. I can't tell the difference between what I thought was there and what really was; I thought Levi and I had an understanding, I thought we were right next to each other when really he's been standing fifty feet above me this whole time. Looking down at my pathetic attempts to navigate his winding labyrinth while he just watches and laughs. My image of Levi is now just this one big, putrid pile of pulp in my memory bank, taking up valuable space with this weird, poisonous substance that slowly seeps into my bloodstream. The pain is inescapable and constant.

 

I can't scrape him off my mind. 

 

 

 

 

**February**

 

I wonder what it would be like to see things from Pixis' point of view. Nothing ever seems to get under his skin, he always just laughs and refutes anyone's insults with a weird old-man joke. I've never seen him in a bad mood, and that's saying something considering he lives in a fucking prison.

 

Just for shits and giggles, I climbed up into his bunk and splayed myself out across the mattress. Pixis wasn't home right now, so I had our whole luxurious palace to myself. I stared up at the ceiling, observed how much it differed from my view from beneath his bunk. Spent an hour like this, trying to fit myself into his perspective. 

 

I didn't feel very enlightened.

 

Then I got angry. How the fuck do you reach wise-old-man status without killing yourself or loosing your sanity somewhere along the way? Do I have to go on some kind of life-altering journey around the world, like in the movies? Do I need to become someone's apprentice? Should I start studying Dot's every move, write it all down in my Handy-Dandy Notebook?

 

I was beginning to get restless, so to occupy myself I started rummaging through my roomie's space, trying to dig up some kind of dirt on this enigmatic man. Under the sheets, inside the pillow, underneath the mattress...

 

And there, wedged cleverly into one of the seams in the metal of his bed frame was a lone razor blade. It was pristine, unused. Slipping it out of its hiding spot, I sat back on the bed and turned it over in my fingers, wondering why Pixis of all people would have one of these. I mean, sure, you never know who will decide that they don't like you in here, but I'd never seen anyone try to give Pixis grief aside from a snide comment here or there. Pixis was like Gandhi here; he had a reputation for solving petty squabbles and all out prison wars with nothing but a few brilliantly concocted arguments of his own. If anything, he possessed the power to make people stop and think. _Really_ think.

 

If he could do all that, why did he need a weapon?

 

Before Pixis could come back and find me snooping through his stuff, I quickly remade the bed and put everything back in its place before crawling down to my own bunk.

 

I contemplated this minor mystery for the rest of the night as I lay in bed, listening to the collective snoring floating up from every surrounding cell. In the end, I decided that Pixis was a very cautious man and that he was just trying to be prepared for the worst. 

 

Fuck, I don't know.

 

***

 

They keep trying to convince me that Levi never even loved me. 

 

My counselor tells me that I was in an "abusive relationship" and that every confession I ever dragged out of Levi was false. He was just manipulating me into thinking what he wanted me to think. 

 

The other inmates love to join in, babbling on and on about their own experiences with abusive relationships and manipulation, whether they were the victim or the villain. 

 

No matter how many times I deny it and inform them all that they are false, that I know what I saw and it wasn't all an act, no one believes me. Some laugh at my naivete, others scoff and shake their heads at my denial. I've grown to hate them all - especially the man who makes me hate Levi a little more each day, the man who's supposed to be helping me. My counselor is a jackass. How the fuck did he get chosen for this job?

 

_Then again, I am in fucking jail..._

 

I've been denying it so long, holding on to the flimsy belief that even through all the lies, this one thing was real. But my memories are unreliable and distorted and I can't ignore the fact that if Levi lied about everything else just to fuck me - like I'd been told in group - then why wouldn't he lie about loving me, too? Did everything he ever said to me have a hidden motive?

 

I wish I didn't have so much time to think. Hours upon hours go by, spent reliving every fuzzy memory I have of our time together. Slowly, I started to lose faith as the doubt spread its roots. I tried to remember the times that Levi was truly genuine, but they fell just out of reach. I wonder if they ever even happened at all, or if every time I thought I saw real emotion and affection in his eyes, it was just me projecting my own desperate thinking onto him. I just wish I could remember everything clearly.

 

Now, all I saw were the bad parts.

 

 

 

 

**March:**

 

What awaits me when I get out of here? 

 

Absolutely fucking nothing, that's what. I'd spent more than the last two years of my free life filling every void in my chest with drugs and obsession. I've pushed away anyone who ever gave a damn, except Hanji, who I've begun to believe is not anywhere as close to sane as I originally thought she was.

 

Do _you_ even care anymore? Haven't you had enough of my constant complaints? _(Never mind, I know you're just a piece of fucking paper...)_

 

I spot Hanji as soon as I walk into the visitation room, seated at one of the many tables set up around the room. For once, there isn't a smile on her face - instead, her mouth is set in a grim line - and I am immediately on guard and wound tight.

 

"What's wrong?" I blurt out as soon as my butt is touching my seat. Even after she'd looked up and seen me walking towards her, the expression on her face didn't change. Something very bad must have happened. 

 

"Eren..." She began, but as soon as our eyes met, she turned her head and trailed off, looking pained. 

 

"What is it Hanji? You're making me nervous." It was true, I was beginning to sweat, my mind speeding from one worst-case scenario to the next without stopping for breaks in between.

 

_Levi's not dead._

 

_Please don't tell me he's dead._

 

_He's not._

 

_He's not!_

 

Hanji was looking at me again, her mouth open, tongue poised to start churning out an explanation but no words were coming out. My worries were still running rampant as the time ticked on, my breathing was ever-so-subtly picking up speed, and yet Hanji still couldn't seem to spit it out.

 

_Fuck. He's dead._

 

_Levi's fucking dead._

 

"Hanji!" I yelled after it seemed like a lifetime had passed. She startled out of her trance and refocused on me, wincing as she finally forced out what she had to say.

 

"It's Erwin." she admitted gravely. 

 

"Erwin?" Now I was confused. I hadn't even thought about that asswhipe in months, nor did I care to. I'd told her all about the little romance that Levi and I had with him, as well as how he'd abandoned us when shit got too complicated. She knew how deep my hatred for him ran. Why would she bring him up now?

 

"They found his body last week. He committed suicide."

 

"What?!" I wasn't sure how to process this. "When?"

 

"I believe it was around the time Levi was admitted to the hospital..." She answered, a cautious look taking over her features.

 

That set off alarms in my head, but I ignored them for now. "I don't... What did the police have to say?"

 

"He was found in the basement of an abandoned building, which explains why no one found him sooner. Knowing Erwin, he probably planned it that way. He... He shot himself in the head." Hanji stumbles over a sob, but quickly reigns herself in. 

 

"But... Why?" I could already feel the pieces beginning to click together, knew the answers were within my reach, but I didn't try to grasp them. Not yet. I wanted Hanji to tell me that it was due to a reason completely separate from me and Levi, so that I could go on hating him in peace.

 

"They had me identify the body, and..." Once again, she trailed off looking like the words hurt to say.

 

"And what, Hanji, _please!"_ I yelled, fueled by anxiety and impatience. Heads turned to stare at us, including the intimidating gaze of one of the guards, so I shrunk down in my seat and told myself to be quiet.

 

"Eren, I don't-"

 

"Hanji, I need to know!" I whisper-yelled at her.

 

"They let me see his phone, Eren. The answering machine was full to the brim with messages from you, but only the first few had been listened to."

 

Hanji stared worriedly as the information sunk in. I thought back to what the first few messages had said... _Levi's had an overdose... He's in the hospital... Don't know if he'll wake up... Possible brain damage..._

 

The final piece falls into place and I'm staring at a big, neon sign flashing the words **YOUR FAULT**

 

**YOUR FAULT**

 

**YOUR FAULT**

 

"He blamed himself for what happened to Levi." Hanji finishes solemnly, but I'm not there anymore, I'm on my feet, speed-walking towards the nearest guard to demand for him to take me back to my cell. 

 

"Eren!" Hanji calls out in protest, but I'm already being escorted out of the room. 

 

***

 

The date of my release is suddenly approaching much faster than I anticipated; too fast. I'm starting to have second thoughts, growing more anxious day by day.

 

 

What good has the real world ever done me?

 

What happiness could I possibly find out there, let loose in a vast expanse of judgment and expectations that I can't possibly live up to?

 

I've never been able to.

 

Distantly, I'm aware that all the reassurances and confidence that therapy has built up in me are in the process of crumbling at my feet, but that is irrelevant.

 

I don't deserve a happy life, anyway.

 

Just think, if I hadn't been so infatuated with Levi, my life could have gone down a completely different path. Every time Erwin tested my loyalty to the King of Cruelty, if just once I'd chosen his side instead...

 

Where would I be?

 

Not in jail for being a prostitute, not trapped in a maze of false assumptions and half-memories. 

 

Maybe I'd have someone who truly loved me.

 

I'd made the wrong choice, centered all my attention on Levi and swept Erwin aside as soon as the first false assumption about him had cropped up in my head. 

 

Who the hell doesn't do

One.

Single.

Thing.

when their friend suddenly drops off the radar without a word?

 

What kind of idiot doesn't file a missing persons report after days, _weeks_ of not hearing from a man they'd spoken to everyday for months?

 

The more I daydream about getting out of here, the more I realize that I don't think I can. I don't think I want to.

 

What good could I possibly do for the world?

 

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when the thought of my release became my main source of fear and anxiety, but I only became more wary of each day as they passed. I didn't want to leave the comfort and familiarity of this place that had become my home, where nothing was expected of me except to follow a few orders and keep my nose out of other people's business.

 

Two weeks became one, five days became four, three, two... And I snapped. I couldn't leave. If I left, I would only cause more problems, inflict more pain to the people I cared about. 

 

Desperate for a way to escape my fate - less than twenty-four hours away - I climbed up onto the top bunk. My fingers scrabbled along the edges of the bed frame, searching frantically for the weapon so that I could get this over with before Pixis returned.

 

The tip of my index finger stung as it was nicked on the edge of the blade; I let out a half-relieved-sigh half-gasp-of-surprise and pried the blade out with shaky hands. 

 

As I stared at the blade, observing the way the light glinted off the smooth silver, I waited for the rational thoughts to flood in. I waited for my conscience to whisper that I shouldn't go through with this.

 

After five minutes, it still seemed like a good idea to me. I jumped off Dot's bed and huddled up in the darkest, most obscured corner of my own. 

 

Closing my eyes, I summoned up all the different ways I'd imagined this moment; all the times I'd fantasized about tearing my skin open, destroying myself for good; every single variation.

 

I chose to go out with a bit of flare - I was Eren Jaeger after all. Never known to be subtle.

 

With a clear image in my head and enough conviction to go through with it, I

dragged

the

blade

vertically

down

the supple skin of my left forearm with delicate precision.

Wound after wound opened up under my almost feather-light touch;

e ach   bl o om   o f   re d   w as  ex hil a ra ting. 

 

A near drunken laugh escaped my lips as I thought about what Pixis was sure to walk in on in an hour or two, as he was on kitchen duty.

 

I don't know why I laughed; I actually felt incredibly guilty. The man didn't deserve this.

 

_Just one more way for you to hurt the ones you care about..._

 

My v

My vi

My vi _si_ on _w_ as         alre _a_ dy  begin_ing     _t_ o   _b_ _l u r_ and  f a _d_ e        whe_  I  f-ina_ly  set    _th_ e  r a z o r   d_wn      a _n_ d  le _t_     mysel_  m a r v e l  at    my  _masterpiece._         De-eadly      s _t_ rai _g_ ht  li _ne_ s   o f    **crimson**       cri _s_ s-cros s    alo _ng_   my   _ar_ ms         e _v_ e _r_ y- _w_ h _i_ c _h_ -w _a_ y,  creat_ng   _a_     pa-atchwork _of_       bl _oo_ d-st _ain_ ed s _k_ in.                 Ea _c_ h  inc _isio_ n    w as    p recise       _nd  ne _at_ ,     jus t      t he       w a y     I    kn ew      Lev i      w_uld    l ike.       D r o p l e t s     _o_ f **red**   f _lowe_ d       do _wn_  fro _m_ just    b elow   m _y_        sh oulde rs  a _ll_      th_      _wa_ y    d _own_       t o     th e    ti _p_ s o _f_   m-m _y_    fing -gers.

**It was beautiful.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shh


	20. Nobody Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -keep- keep- keep-  
> -don't stop rebuilding-  
> -piecing back together-  
> -my masterpiece-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my peace offering to you guys after my cliffhanger last chapter <3

_"I-I-It's Beautiful..."_

  
  _...the manic words rang out through the disturbingly quiet cell block, loud and echoing..._

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-help-**

**-the-**

**-the-**

**-the walls, they're-**

**-I never wanted to end up-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

Have you ever sat in a laundromat for hours on end, staring blank-faced at your own reflection on a washing machine's glass door?

...transfixed by the way the clothes slosh... and whirl...

  
Do you know what it would feel like to be locked in one of those machines, rolling in an endless watery cycle?

Lost in a deep, stomach-curdling darkness, no less.

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Eren?"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_Thump..._

_Thump..._

_Th-thump..._

_-t'_ s _b_ e _a_ ut _ifu_ l. _.._

_"-seems like he's gaining consciousne-"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

    
    
_"Eren? Eren, can you h-"_

 

 

  
*******

 

 

 

**-The sound of the wind whipping by outside is driving me fucking nuts -**

**-and the walls, the walls, they're-**

**-I can't hear myself think, I just wanna-**

**-it's too dark, I can't-**

**-I can't see-**

**-so god damn loud, just _howling_ -**

**-and you can't see where you're going, the floors are flooded-**

**- _squish, squish, squish,-_**

**-the walls, they're dripping-**

**-dripping blood-**

**-too loud, just-**

**-and I don't know where I'm going-**

**-my shoes are soaked in it, this dark, dark black-**

**-how the hell did I-**

**-just-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Can you hear m-"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Eren, what the hell have you done?"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-and you can't-**

**-you can't-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

You're summersaulting around and around, so fast that you forget where you begin and where you end. Sopping wet, choking on water when you're trying suck in air...

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

I've always wondered what it would feel like to have my body turned inside-out. All my pink, oozing innards on display for everyone to see; feeling the breeze stick to my slick flesh-

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-stop being so emotional, jesus fuc _-_**

**-you know why it has to be lik-**

**-just better this way-**

**- _stop it, you stupi_ -**

**-it was bound to happ-**

**-and you know it has to be this way-**

**-why are you-**

**-the wind won't stop _howling_ -**

**-told you to stop being so-**

**- _stop_ _it_ -**

**-can't hear myself think, and it's starting to take its toll-**

**-who _can_ you trust?-**

**- _stupid little_ -**

**-And I don't even know how I got-**

**- _stupid, stupid, stupid!-_**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"I'm here for you, Eren."_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-and it's taken-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Help! Someone!"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-so long, you know wh-**

 

 

***

 

 

 

You forget yourself; succumb to the constant motion, know nothing but this infinite rolling hell. You become accustomed to being damp, forget the feeling of your own skin...

 

Being thrown

 

around

around       around

around

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_"I think he's-"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-Why are you-**

**-you _need_ to stop being so emotiona-**

**-can't believe it took you this long to-**

**-blood, seeping out of the cracks in the ceiling-**

**-I can see it-**

**- _stop it_ -**

**-it's dripping down the walls-**

**- _squish, squish, squish,_ -**

**-it's so loud, I wanna-**

**-drag my claws down my cheeks-**

**-and they're dripping blood-**

**-I can-**

**-hear myself-**

**- _howling_ -**

**- _Why'd_ _you have_ _to go and do that, you stupid_ _little shit_?-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"I'll get you back on your feet!"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-Why are you-**

**-can't hear mysel-**

**-are you being so emotional?-**

**-all down the walls, dripping bl-**

**- _you stupid lit_ -**

**-Why are you crying?-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

Everything drifts away, loses meaning. What is up? What is down? There's no such thing as time; the past and the future don't exist... It's just spinning, head over heels over head over heels over head over heels over head over heels over head over heels over head over heels over head over heels over head over heels...

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Hey, I think he's-"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-do you even-**

**- _little shit_ -**

**-the wind outside is fucking-**

**-and I can feel the thickness of it, slick between my toes-**

**-just keep walking down this hallway, I don't see what else I'm supposed to-**

**-but this wind-**

**-keeps _howling_ -**

_**-stupid fucking-** _

**-just-**

**-look what you've done-**

**-I just need you to-**

_**-JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!-** _

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

What does it mean to be still?

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"Eren..."_

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-and-**

**-and-**

**-and the walls-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"You know I never meant for this to happen!"_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

But then the machine winds down, slowing to a stop. And suddenly, everything comes tumbling back to you.

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_Eyelids slide open_

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-never intended for this to-**

 

 

**-am I-**

 

*******

 

 

 

_Bright white light_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

 _**-** _ **I...** **-**

 

**-are you crying?-**

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

_"-think he's finally coming to."_

_"Oh, thank god!"_

_"Eren? Can you hear me?"_

 

 

*******

 

**-don't know where I'm going-**

**- _stupid fucking_ -**

**-my head is just poun-**

**-can't see a thing-**

 

**-am I-**

 

 

*******

 

 

**-never expected to be-**

 

 

*******

 

 

 

Should I hang myself out to dry?

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

_"Relax, everything's fine."_

 

 

 

*******

 

 

 

**-alive?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is actually inspired by an album by one of my favorite bands, The Wall by Pink Floyd. It's a real fucking masterpiece, if anything, and you guys should totally go watch the movie if you want a bit more insight into my writing. Pretty sure you can find it for free online. For now though, you should watch [this.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCMHmDnfD6I)


	21. Nobody Home Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reach out, wrap your fingers around a partial thought, only half an idea.
> 
> (How do you explain how you feel-)
> 
> Turn it over, stretch it out.
> 
> (When you've already forgotten the feeling?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news, my computer is broken :( So I won't be able to update until I get access to one. To compensate, I've decided to torture you all with a little teaser thingy. Enjoy, I guess <3

_Levi_

 

 

I am not quite a man, nor am I a ghost, 

 _I taste the sweetness of peppermint on soft lips,_  

More like the eroded remains of someone that once was.

  _Right after bitter candy drips down my throat._

Every day is yesterday; rewind and repeat; 

_I'm overwhelmed by cerulean, viridian, carribean;_

Today is tomorrow and I've already given in.

  _When my eyes aren't even open._

I float like dust, or like vapor;

  _I run my fingers through shiny brown locks_

 There's nothing left of me. 

_And come up with gravel beneath my fingernails._

 I drift in all directions, building clouds of consciousness

  _The scent of a home cooked meal tantalizes my nose,_

and quickly dispersing them.

  _But it's just the smog playing tricks_

I can't seem to focus... can't bring myself to care

  _His voice echoes behind me everywhere I go_

Since Eren's been gone. 

_I should stop letting his screams tear open my throat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you want more random shit while you wait or if you'd rather I just shut up till the next update ;D


	22. I Will Wait For You, Just Like You Knew I Would

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've made it, guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who found a computer?!!

When I woke up in a hospital bed after what seemed like a lifetime of nightmares, Hanji's was the first face I saw. After the initial squealing and hugging, she explained how she'd shown up to pick me up only to find out that I was in the infirmary. As soon as I was stable, they had me moved to a hospital in the city, which was where I found myself then.

  
The more I observed Hanji as she talked me through all my confusion, the more I noticed that something had shifted in her. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, because it wasn't a major, conscious discrepancy; more like a subtle change in her demeanor, her attitude. She'd become more... Mature. More serious. It didn't surprise me all that much, though. I'd heard all about her own self-emprovement ventures from the time she'd been traveling up until she'd found out I was in jail. She'd successfully quit doing drugs and had really cut down on all the partying, in addition to finding an actual, respectable career.

   
The woman was unwavering when she insisted on taking me home with her once I was finally released, and then basically forced me into seeing a therapist that she tried to convince me would help. I fought back with everything I had - Every time I thought about letting someone into my head to pick through my thoughts, my mind conjured up all the ruined memories I had of Levi thanks to my counselor in prison. I couldn't let someone do that to me again.

  
Yet, somehow Hanji still managed to drag me - literally kicking and screaming -  to my appointment. She didn't let up until I was seated in a plush chair, staring at the bespectacled psychiatrist across from me.

 

"Hello, Eren. I'm Katherine." She'd said.

 

"Fuck off." I replied, pointedly avoiding looking at her. Instead, I stared out the window, counting the cars as they passed.

 

_One._

 

_Two._

 

"Well, that's not very nice, Eren."

 

_Three._

 

_Four._

 

_Five._

 

"I guess we should get started then. Can you tell me something about yourself?"

 

_Six._

 

"Eren?"

  
_Seven._

 

_Eight._

 

_Nine._

 

_Ten._

 

"Eren."

 

My head snapped to look forward as I scowled at the woman, nearly growling as I told her, "Stop that."

  
"Stop what, Eren?"

 

"Fuck! Stop saying my name like that, like you can already see into my head! I'm not telling you anything!"

  
Katherine looked confused. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it made you uncomfortable. This is a good start, though. Can you tell me why you're so averse to being here?"

  
"No."

  
Needless to say, the rest of the appointment followed the same pattern, as well as the next one, and the next one, and the next one... Until I realized that somehow I was still answering her questions anyways. Hanji really wasn't lying when she said that this chick was the best; she managed to circumvent all my prickly answers and insults, learning to read what was underneath. From there, it was like acupuncture; needling at just the right spots to get the responses she wanted, studying it all. After two months, she understood my ins and outs better than almost anyone. She knew what set me off, what made me shut up and, most of all, what got me talking. When she prodded at me in just this precise way, it would all come spilling out, as if I couldn't even control myself. Deep-seated trauma from my childhood, nearly-forgotten memories of my mother, rare moments of fatherly-ness from my father, mixed emotions about Mikasa and Armin, my unforgettable experience in prison and _Levi, Levi, Levi_. She squeezed it all out of me, like a pubescent teenager feverishly pressing on a pimple until it was red and swollen and bloody.

 

But what finally convinced me of her worth was how different she was from my counselor in jail. She was calm, quiet and patient at all times, letting me take my time to answer her questions however I liked. She didn't try to force her opinions, as if she were trying to brainwash me; instead we kept up a (mostly) friendly rapport where I answered her prompt, and then she would share her thoughts on the matter and move on. She would never tell me what to do or think straight-up, but would give hints and small insights in response to my questions and complaints. Put simply, Katherine let me figure shit out for myself without letting me lose my way.

 

With her and Hanji supporting me, I started going to the gym again every day. Hanji helped me find a job soon after, and I began to feel almost normal. Now that my wounds had all healed up and my mind was looking less and less decrepit every week, I was the happiest I'd been in years.

 

Through the months, Hanji and I formed a friendship like no other. Both being the overbearing personalities that we are, naturally it started out horribly. I have a rapid-flaring temper and liked to take all my anger and frustration out on Hanji, even though it always made me feel worse in the end. And Hanji just knew how to grind on my nerves; constantly squealing and bouncing around; talking my ear off for hours if I let her; bugging me about things when I really didn't want to talk about it...

 

Luckily, though, we were also both very stubborn. Hanji cared about me and I cared about her, so we made it work. We were forced to tone down our wilder sides in order to tolerate each other, learning how to dance without stepping on the other's foot - resulting in a strange understanding between us. We worked together like a well-oiled machine, instinctively knowing when to joke around and when to keep our distance. By now, we're like a cheesy married couple - running errands together as if we'd been doing it for years; walking around the house almost-naked without a care; sensing the other's mood at a glance; even finishing each other's sentences. It was actually kind of comedic, how the two biggest shit-shows in the entire parade could perform so well together.

 

What really made it work, though, was the honesty. That was something I never had with Levi; everything about him was so cryptic. Hanji and I are both uncomfortably open about things, so our rare misunderstandings get solved right away and we never have to tiptoe around each other. If I don't like something Hanji does, I can just tell her - no hard feelings. Our platonic relationship functioned better than most marriages I'd seen.

  
This past year, I - along with my two persevering supporters - have worked nonstop, everyday on diagnosing my mental health problems, finding and implementing (often disappointing) solutions. I've learned that it takes a lot of fucking trial and error to get these things right. Numerous medications, anxiety reducing techniques, anger management techniques, and near-relapses later, and here we are.

 

Here I am, no longer a gaunt, scrawny looking thing; no longer thinking about drugs on a daily basis, nor suicide; and most of all, Levi is but a faded memory. It still hurts if I concentrate on him, but I don't fall down that hole often. A whole year has passed since I tried to take my life and I can say with complete sincerity: I can't see myself being dragged so low ever again.

 

***

 

I think it's about time I became truly independent.

 

Hanji has given me everything I needed; unconditional love and support, a home, and a life that is worth living. I'll never stop thanking her for that. I'm able to stand on my own two feet now, though, and I need to know that I am capable of doing things for myself.

 

Before I take this last step, though, there's something that I need to do. I've been putting it off for far too long, nervous of what my family will think of me now, but I'm finally ready to take responsibility for myself. And that starts by apologizing to the people who helped get me here.

  
I bounce up the two steps leading to the front door of my childhood home, knocking firmly three times. As I wait, I'm suddenly struck by an obstacle that I hadn't considered before then - What if Mikasa had moved out? After all, she'd long graduated from highschool, probably off to college by now. And what about Armin? Where had his genius taken him?

 

My father's scruffy face appeared on the other side of the door's window, right before it swung open.

 

"Eren?" Came the surprised voice, still rough with sleep.

 

"Hi, dad." We stared at each other for a few moments, unsure how to proceed. "Can I come in?"

 

"Uh, yeah- yes, of course. Let me just..." He trailed off as he lead us inside, leaving me in the living room so he could go change out of his ratty house coat.

 

When he reemerged, we both cleared our throats awkwardly before mechanically moving to sit down. It was completely silent for a moment, quiet enough that the sound of myself swallowing a nervous gulp was overwhelmingly loud in my ears.

  
Finally, I opened my mouth and willed myself to be a good son. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, but I knew that if I didn't get this guilt off my chest, it would never stop nagging at me. "So, uh, how have you been?"

 

"Fine... I've been fine. And you?"

 

"I'm doing a lot better now." I replied with a forced smile, unable to relax when faced with my father's unreadable expression. He was very distant.

 

My father's lips turned up for a moment before giving up. "That's good."

  
I nodded, staring off for a second before I caught myself and pulled myself back to the task at hand. "I- um, I came to tell you that I'm sorry. For everything. I was... a really bad son for a long time, and I know that nothing can excuse what I've done to our family, but..." I looked my dad in they eye. "Please, can you forgive me?

  
Grisha smiled a genuine smile this time. "Of course I can, son."

  
We exchanged pleasantries for a little while longer, during which I asked where Mikasa had gone off to and how I could contact her. The longer I sat in that quiet, empty house, the quicker it sank in that my father and I would never be close. We would always love each other, but we were too different. Grisha was a quiet man who wallowed in his despair in the solitude of his room, no company but the bottle of whiskey dangling from his right hand. He'd long ago shut himself off from the world, and sitting there, seeing the empty man that he was... I realized just how close I'd come to following in his footsteps. If I didn't have the people in my life who'd refused to let me destroy myself, if they hadn't caught me before it was too late to go back...

 

I turned back to say goodbye just as I was opening the front door to leave, but my father was already retreating down the hall towards his room. I saw the bottle that he barely bothered to hide fit snug in his grasp, and knew that I wouldn't be speaking to my father again in a long time.

 

I knew that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that someone would be able to pull him back from whatever hell he'd fallen into. But I'd spent so many years as a child wondering why my father had stopped caring, desperately trying to win back his affection. Even if I could help him now, I don't think I could ever get over my involuntary resentment enough to try. I've stopped being angry, but the desire to be a part of his life is... Nonexistent.

  
***

 

_"Hello?"_

 

"Hi, Mikasa. It's Eren."

 

I heard a bunch of muffled shuffling over the line, and then her voice was back, surprised and energized. _"Eren? What are you calling for? How did you get my number?"_

 

"I stopped by to see dad the other day and he told me. I also heard you're going to Sina U - that's amazing."

 

 _"Thank you."_ Her quiet voice of shy appreciation made my chest ache for some reason. Had it really been so long since I'd given my sister a compliment that I'd completely forgotten what it sounded like to hear her say those two words? The realization hit me like a punch in the gut.

  
"I'm sorry for being a terrible brother, Mikasa. Oh god, I was awful. I was so angry for no reason at all and I took so much of it out on you, and I know that asking for forgiveness is-"

 

 _"It's okay, Eren. Really."_ Her voice wavered with every word.

  
"Can we meet up?"

 

_"Of course."_

 

"And bring Armin, please!"

 

***

 

"Eren!"

  
I heard the excited shouts from both of them a second before I was being tackled from behind by two bodies. I laughed wholeheartedly and struggled to turn around in their tight hug, wrapping my arms around them too.

 

Already, Armin was sniffling, trying not to cry, while Mikasa had tears gathering in her eyes even as she tried to blink them away.

 

"You look so healthy!"

 

"I missed you so much, Eren."

 

"I missed you guys too."

 

And then we were all sniffling and crying and laughing at how ridiculous we all were. I was so happy to see them, a complete turn around from how I felt when my mind was being manipulated by my addictions. Now that my head felt clearer than it had ever been, I couldn't believe how I could've ever wanted to push these two away. For most of my life, they were the only ones keeping me alive. How could I have forgotten that?

  
Once we were all comfortably seated at a table inside the ice cream parlor we had picked out, there was a constant stream of conversation and laughter. We spent hours getting each other caught up on our lives.

 

I noticed Mikasa's mind start to stray, her face falling into a pained expression.

 

"Mikasa? You okay?"

 

Mikasa's guilty eyes met mine. "I'm sorry we never contacted you after you got out of jail, Eren."

 

"I-It's fine, really. I understand." I tried to reassure her.

 

"I got your letter. It made me cry... A lot." Mikasa chuckled sadly. "I never could have known that you went through all that you did, and that you had to bare so much pain. I was just so scared to reach out to you, for fear that what you said to me when I came to visit you was true. In your letter, you still sounded so angry..."

  
Armin nodded his head. I could see the regret on his face and knew that those words were from him, too.

 

"I'm glad that you guys gave me space, really. I was a fucking mess when I got out and definitely not ready to do any reparations. I've had to work really hard to get to this point, and it's the first time I've done something solely for myself. Honestly, I think that our time apart was for the best."

 

"I'm so happy you've finally found yourself, Eren. We've really missed you." Cheered Armin.

  
After we finally got booted from the ice cream place at closing time, we all ended up at Mikasa's apartment. None of us were ready to say goodbye just yet; a slumber party was in order.

 

I fell asleep on the floor, wedged between my two oldest allies under a canopy of multicolored blankets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me how you feel. Don't be shy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	23. No one flies around the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time skip ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't make excuses: I was too busy getting high to update. I am sorry. But also, every time I sat down and tried to write, nothing seemed to happen. So I kind of gave up on trying for a bit. Here's the new chapter, though. Short, but im still just slowly getting back in the swing of things.

Looking up from my phone, I squinted from the bright sunlight and checked left and right, making sure there were no cars coming before stepping on to the street. 

  
Hanji had just texted me to tell me that she got called into work and couldn't come pick me up from my alternative high-school, which meant that I'd have to find my own way home. It's a bit of a long walk and normally I'd be riding the bus or car pooling with one of my friends, but everyone was busy and I hadn't picked up this month's bus pass yet. Either way, I figured it wouldn't be bad to get some extra exercise.

  
The walk was pleasant, with plenty of greenery and sunshine. I enjoyed the warm summer breeze lifting my shirt as I cut through a neighborhood park. But soon I realized I would have to pass through downtown Shiganshina, which is a commonly known area for trouble of all sorts. I would know - I spent my fair share of time hanging around there back then.

As I walked down each consecutive street, the general infrastructure began to degrade, indicating the fact that you were now trespassing in dangerous territory. Stores here looked like they had seen more harsh years than anyone here as alive to remember; the houses were all rickety and in disrepair, the paint faded and chipped. It was all very eery looking. I wasn't exactly deterred, though; maybe just a bit anxious, jittery, almost excited - leftover feelings from...

  
The deeper I went, the more unfamiliar I was with my surroundings. I was still able to find my way around, having lived in this city my whole life, but it only added to my discomfort. I turned down a deserted street; no longer in the residential area, I'd crossed into an industrial district full of abandoned warehouses and the like. It was totally silent, the tall buildings concealing my path from the fading sunlight. The only windows facing the street were boarded up or broken. Walking down this street, I could hear my heart pumping along to the rhythm of my footsteps - now, I was scared.

  
I almost jumped when I heard a grunt come from down the narrow road to my right, squinting instead into the darkness to try and make out whoever was down there. Another noise - a bit louder this time - reached my ears,  sounding a lot like someone in pain.

  
Without another thought, I veered down that alley and quickly crept through the shadows. Soon I came up on two figures huddled up against a concrete wall.

  
"Hey, stop!" I shouted worriedly, a split second before I realized that the man I'd thought was being caged up against the wall was probably there of his own free will.

The pair of men split apart, turning on me with looks of shock on their faces. 

"What the fuck do you-?"

I stared at the face of the man closest to me, the one who'd abruptly cut off his sentence as soon as he saw who I was. I watched as he examined me, wide eyed, gawking at my newly acquired muscle definition and healthy complexion. 

_You..._

"Levi?" 

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded the greasy looking man next to Levi. It was clear that he was not happy about being interrupted. 

When neither of us spoke a word, he turned to Levi. "Levi, tell me who the fuck that is!"

"Shut up!" Levi yelled back without even looking at him. Instead, his wide eyes remained glued on me, face white as if he'd seen a ghost. "How did you find me?"

_I've been waiting so long..._

I stuttered my reply, shocked at the situation I'd stumbled into. "I-I didn't. I, uh, heard someone groan in pain, so I came to investigate."

"Yeah, well, obviously no one's in trouble, dipshit." Levi sneered.

_And now that I've got you here.._.

I struggled to remain calm, speaking through clenched teeth. "I can see that now."

  
"So, why don't you fuck off then?" 

He's said that he was done with me, but I didn't ever believe that he would treat me this coldly. "That's all you have to say to me? Really?"

_I could just..._

"I thought I made it clear that I want nothing to do with you."

"You don't get to decide that! I have a criminal record because of what you told me to do, not to mention how thoroughly you fucked up my head!"

"Don't act like I didn't give you exactly what you asked for," Levi threw in my face with a rancid sneer.

  
My fist was connecting with Levi's face before I could think a clear thought; and even then, all I could think about was destroying the uninterested face before me.

  
Levi fought back - blocking, punching and kicking with skill - but I had the advantage of strength and Levi was nothing but a zombie by then.

His friend tried to jump in, but I elbowed him across the face and he fell to the ground. As soon as the man could wobble back on his feet, he was dashing off to save himself.

Levi wasn't so lucky. I hadn't felt so out of control since before my recovery; this blinding, overpowering blood lust that made me see nothing but red. It didn't take long to overpower him. I pounded Levi into the ground with everything I had, kicking him again and again even after he'd stopped moving. 

  
By the time I was fully aware of myself and what I was doing, I was disgusted. My knees stung as they hit the pavement at Levi's side, but my pain was irrelevant. Looking down at the bloodied body beneath me, I knew I would never forget that image.

  
"Levi!" I sobbed, fingers fumbling over his neck to find a pulse. "I'm sorry, please be okay, _I'm so sorry..._ "

When I could finally feel the steady thump of his heart beneath my fingertips, I buried my face in Levi's neck and cried.

  
***

The hardest part of staying clean - as anyone could tell you - is not giving in to temptation. You can praise yourself on your strength for months while holed up in rehab, your childhood home, the safety of your own room; but it's when you're suddenly thrust into the devil's playing field that your strength is put to the test.

  
All night, I tossed and turned, unabled to forget yesterday's events. FInding Levi had stirred up the murky darkness deep in the hole in my chest, the one that was slowly starting to heal. I have been getting better and I am proud of that. I can't disappoint my friends once again by falling into old habits. If they found out I'd even spoken to Levi, they'd have my head. 

  
It was near-impossible to sleep, and when I did, it was ruined by semi-conscious nightmares involving Levi and drugs and the shattered looks on Armin and Mikasa's faces. After all I'd put them through, seeing them like that in real life would quite literally break my heart.

  
It's hard not to regret the choice I made when I turned my back on that lonely alleyway, but deep down, I know I'd never be able to live with myself if I hadn't gone with my heart.

   
Sleep finally pulled me under at around 5:00 a.m. cushioned by the small bit of peace I'd found; knowing I made the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think?


	24. Steps Taken Forwards but Sleepwalking Back Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your thoughts are not your own. That is the mind of your addiction, lured out to play.

I awoke to a call from Mikasa - _"Why didn't you show up for movie night? Did something happen?"_ \- and answered with an excuse that involved robbers and heroism, and ends with me being too exhausted to even send her a text before I passed out. Pretty solid story, if you ask me.

I wouldn't let her know of my fight with Levi. It would only make her worry and ruminate on things that she shouldn't. It would make her become wary of me again and I didn't want that.

Stretching out, I slugged out of bed and down to my tiny kitchen. My apartment was admittedly small and kind of shitty, but at least for now it was mine. I paid the rent for this place all by myself, on top of having paid Hanji back for what I felt I owed her. She didn't take the money, of course, so I hid it in her house for her to find one day. Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but it makes me happy to think that even if Hanji and I stop speaking, one day she'll find my hidden treasure and remember me fondly. On a day like today, that thought was very comforting.

A loud thump came from the other room, startling me. Standing up from my seat at the table, I ran into the living room to find the source.

The sight before me made everything clear; the fatigued haze in my head cleared and I was instantly alert. Now I was certain that yesterday wasn't a dream - what I did was all real, and it will have consequences.

There was Levi, squirming around on my living room floor. His arms and legs were bound and there was a piece of duct tape over his mouth.

Last night, the sight of him limp and bloody on the pavement had been too much for me to bare. I wanted to stay strong, to keep my promise to Mikasa and never speak to Levi again. All I had to do was call an ambulance and walk away. But the man I loved was right there in front of me, injured because of my insanity, and I gave in to every voice in my head telling me to touch him, caress him...to bring him home and treat his wounds.

I'm weak. I always knew it.

Levi was growling behind his gag, looking up at me with fiery eyes.

"Sorry!" I hurried over to him, falling to my knees in order to peal the tape off of his mouth as gently as possible. "Please don't scream, I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Why the fuck am I tied up, then?!" He spat as soon as his lips were free.

"I was worried you'd wake up before me and try to get revenge or something." I quickly replied, trying to assuage his anger. I stared at his bruised up face, awaiting an answer.

Levi glared back. "Well? Are you going to untie me? I can assure you I don't have the strength to cause nearly as much pain as I want to right now."

Even though he was threatening me, the deep cadence of his voice sent shivers up my spine. I bathed in it, savoured it.

"Umm..." I trailed, not yet able to form a coherent sentence. "Uh, yeah, I can, uh... Take that stuff off..."

I just continued to watch him, eyes fluttering happily all over his body to memorize every inch.

"Eren! Let me go!" Levi snarled up at me.

"Okay!" I yelled, startled back to my senses. "Okay, I'll untie tie you. But you have to promise me one thing."

"What, brat?" That name shot me through the heart, bringing back a warmth in my stomach that I'd forgotten.

Our eyes met in an intense showdown.

"Don't leave."

Levi recoiled. "Are y-"

"Please, don't leave! Not right now, anyways. Stay for a little while, have some breakfast. Please," I begged, although I knew that I should have just let him go. What was I doing, other than adding to my own guilt?

His eyes watched me, narrowed and wary. "Fine."

My heart soared. Pleased, I pulled out my pocket knife and sliced open Levi's bonds. He sat up slowly, rubbing at his wrists.

"This way." I prompted and got up to get started on breakfast. Motioning for Levi to sit down at my small dining table, I went to wash my hands. "So what have you been up to?"

"Same shit." Levi grunted.

"Who was that guy you were with?"

"Some kid I met at a rave. He was giving me free cocaine." Levi responded in the same detached tone. "You probably ruined that."

"Gee, sorry." I replied, rolling my eyes while my back was still facing the demon sat at my kitchen table. Truthfully, it shouldn't have felt so satisfying to have Levi here, to be cooking breakfast for him just like before. To be speaking with him, even if he only answered with the bare minimum.

After a long stretch of uncomfortable silence, Levi spoke again. "So, you live here alone?"

I turned away from my frying pan to find Levi staring at me with unreadable, murky eyes.

"Yeah." I told him, shrugging. Levi looked away.

I finished up the eggs, buttered some toast, and set two prepared plates down on the table for Levi and I. Sitting across from him, I waited for Levi to take the first bite. He pushed and poked at the eggs for a bit with his fork, his expression unchanging.

"Not hungry?" I assumed, knowing how fragile the stomach could become after being exposed to so many harsh substances. Even so, this worried me considerably. He had literally no body fat left. It was like he never ate at all. He looked on the verge of death.

Levi glanced up from his plate. "I kind of am, yeah." He answered monotonously, only to go back to staring at his plate. This time around, he played with the crumbs of his toast instead.

"Won't you at least try some?" I pleaded with him. I couldn't let him leave without knowing that I managed to get something into his stomach. If I didn't feed him, who knows when he would seek food for himself.

"Why aren't _you_ eating? Stop fucking watching me and maybe I'll find my appetite." Levi shot back, thoroughly agitated by now.

"Sorry!" I offered quickly, lowering my gaze to my own plate and scooping up a forkful. While I ate, I tried to give him space. The eggs were actually pretty good and I thoroughly enjoyed every bite. My plate was empty within minutes, but when I looked over at Levi's, it was clear he still hadn't touched it.

I sighed. Obviously I'd have to boost Levi's appetite somehow. Lucky for him, I still had one dirty little secret that I couldn't quite let go of.

Leaving my hollow ex-lover behind, I made my way down the hall to my room. In the closet, I kept a large chest with a lock. That way, I could feel at ease no matter how long Armin or Mikasa spent in my room under the pretense of some small task. I knew that they liked to search through my things every now and then to make sure that I hadn't let myself go. But they seemed to understand that I needed a bit of privacy, and hadn't asked about the chest.

Taking the key from a secret place in my desk, I unlocked the box and flipped the lid. Inside was my baby, my blue glass bong named Stitch. I pulled him out of there, as well as a lighter and my grinder.

Setting each of the items down on the kitchen table, I watched Levi raise one of his eyebrows. "Couldn't give up all your bad habits, could you?"

Taking Stitch over to the sink, I turned the tap and spoke over the sound of the rushing water, "Everyone needs a crutch. Whether it be work or TV or food or drugs, we all have something." With the bong full, I sat back down across from Levi.

"Well I'm glad you haven't turned into a complete bore," Levi replied with a bit of a smirk. Now he was warming up to me, with the promise of something to relieve some of the pain he must have been feeling.

I packed a bowl and passed my beaker bong over to Levi. A flick of his thumb and the lighter was lit, the tip of the flame sparking a nice cherry in his bowl. Taking it all in perfectly with one inhale, I watched - entranced - as he held it in with his lips just barely open; they formed slowly into an open-mouthed pout as the smoke began to pour from his lips. I almost missed the amused twinkle in Levi's eyes as the smoke billowed into my face, just before I closed my eyes and drank it in.

The reason Levi was so good at finishing rips, he told me, was because he had patience. I'd only seen Levi stop halfway through a bowl once or twice, and that was because he'd had a cold. He was always so relaxed, even when it seemed like his bowl would last forever and his smoke was so milky you could've sworn the bong was white.

How he explained it was, taking a hoot is kind of like hiking up a steep hill. The higher you climb, the more tired your legs get, until you're so exhausted, you don't think you can make it to the top. Most people turn back and go home at this point. But if you keep climbing, hold in the pain for a bit longer, you'll find yourself at the top. After that, nothing is painful. You've been through the worst already, so all that's left is to stroll downhill.

Taking a deep breath from the smoke cloud swirling around our heads, I gave Levi a relieved smile. "Better?"

"Much." Levi's lips turned up at the corners, just barely. But it still managed to make my chest feel like it was going to collapse. It was as if I could feel every pulse, every beat, every skip of my heart.

With fumbling fingers, I packed a hoot for myself and tried not to be hyper aware of every minute movement that either one of us made. It was hard, having the man I used to love with every fiber of my being sitting right across from me. My brain could conjure at least a thousand other things I'd rather be doing - things that I should not even be considering.

I didn't take rips like Levi. He had it down to some perfectly timed scientific formula. I, on the other hand, was like most stoners out there. I packed bowls bigger than I could handle, lit the whole thing in hopes that I'd be able to take it all, and then coughed up a lung full of smoke halfway through my rip. Still, I preferred the burn in my lungs and the watering of my eyes as opposed to the satisfaction of executing a bong rip flawlessly. I liked it to hurt. To me, the pain made it feel like the drug was working.

Levi and I passed the bong back and forth until neither of us could carry on a short conversation without floating off into our own thoughts. Levi's eyelids were hanging heavily over glassy, bloodshot eyes.

"I should get going," he said, scratching at his arm.

I laughed and asked where in the world he had to be.

"There's shit that I need to get done." he said, eyes glancing over at the clock.

Alarms started going off in my head at the thought of closing a door between us. I'd gotten so used to having him around again after just a few hours. I hadn't even considered how it would feel to say goodbye.

"Stay, have some dinner first." I offered, panic becoming evident in my voice. He couldn't just walk out of my life again, not after we had such a nice time together.

"I really have to go." he said, getting to his feet and turning his back on the table. On me.

I was on my feet as well, following him to the door.

"Goodbye, Eren." he said, straightening back up after slipping on his last shoe.

"Goodnight, Levi." I replied as his hand reached for the door knob. In the next second, his face crashed right into the heavy wooden door, making him stumble backwards. I sent another kick to his head and he hit the ground hard. Groaning, he tried to roll himself over, but my kick slammed him back against the door. His head hit with a sickening crack.

Levi didn't move again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank all of you for not abandoning this fic. Your comments are what keep my head in this story


	25. You Are Everything, My Most Demanding Dream

> _"...as soon as I walk into a room, my eyes automatically search for that swath of shiny black, picking him out in a crowd as if it was second nature..."_
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

_The first time I discovered him,_

_Eyes pinned to my tight jean-clad ass,_

_I gave it less than a second thought._

_Cheek resting on the palm of his hand,_

_Staring through me as if I were the_

_only window to his lonely prison cell-_

_The second time, I stared right back._

_Not with the unnerving strength of my usual glower,_

_That would spoil the fun._

_I licked the lips of a parasite,_

_Bore behind wide turquoise eyes_

_and carved a niche for myself there._

_I had him,_

_I knew it by the rose creeping up his neck._

_Sadly, I also had no need for a brat._


	26. I Don't Love You, I Just Need To Be Loved

 

> _"The last thing I remember was his cool, even tone - stark in contrast to the breathless words he'd spoken only minutes earlier - as he slipped out of the dark room, leaving me alone._
> 
> _'Thanks for the fuck.'"_

 

* * *

 

 

_The boy could've become a faded memory-_

_He would have-_

_But the past has as habit of following me around._

_Those fucking eyes track me to the restaurant_

_And they've never seemed to leave._

 

_This boy,_

_He couldn't lie if his life depended on it;_

_He may as well just walk around with a megaphone,_

_Regurgitating emotions on the side walk_

_Until his voice is cracking on every second word._

 

 

_The way he ogles me,_

_Caging me in desire,_

_Salivating;_

_It's disgustingly alluring._

_He's beautiful, fuck._

 

_I can admit that._

_But that look in his eye,_

_Like he wants so badly to crawl inside me_

_And hide there awhile..._

_As if I could give him a home._

 

 

You've got it all wrong! _I want to shout_

_At this confused sunflower_

_Staring off in the wrong direction-_

_Though I simply laugh,_

_Trying to force my heart back down my throat._

 

 

_Not easy when the kid's such a fucking stalker,_

_Even Hanji took notice._

_Tell me,_

_You devil bitch-_

_How did I end up in bed with that virginal brat?_


	27. It's Hard Enough To See Without You Making Me Feel Like I Am Nothing...

 

 

 

 

 

> _"And then he was gone and I was left feeling empty in more ways than one. A chaste kiss on the lips, a pat on the cheek, every movement he makes screaming_ No Strings Attached."
> 
>  

* * *

  

_Bright eyes,_

_Stop staring at me._

_How am I supposed to ignore these incredibly pornographic images_

_Etched behind my eyes?_

_Soft tan skin dotted with faint white scars..._

_Bright pink lips, supple curves, rolling hips..._

_Languid moans, high whines, gasps, screams, whimpers..._

aha-

_His eager response to my every touch was intoxicating_

_I felt a better high than anything I could've smoked._

_To make matters worse,_

_I can see that I've managed to flatten him underfoot,_

_My devoted moon flower._

_Who's to say that if I sauntered back now,_

_I wouldn't just step on him again, crush him for good?_

_Can't help it, though-_

_This brat, he's persistent._

_Hypnotic._

_I have this unfamiliar need to have him again;_

_He keeps pulling me in._

_My self control has faltered and_

_Somehow,_

_I'm luring him back to my car_.


	28. Please Save Me From Myself.

 

> _"By the time I could pull my thoughts together, Levi was long gone. The only traces of him left were the faint smell of him on the sheets and the cum dripping out of my ass."_

 

* * *

 

 

_No one's making me do this._

_But I_

_Can't_

_Stop_

_Myself and_

_Before I know it, he's coming to another party with me-_

_This boy, this awkward little kid..._

_Was he born to be a whore?_

_He has no idea what he's doing_

_And it's so fucking sexy,_

_I want to steal him away and keep him,_

_Lock him where no one else can see him._

_He's a four leaf clover that I've had the good fortune to pluck;_

_Pure and untouched._

_Who would let such a charm go to waste?_

_That brat chose me to be his saviour-_

_Why? I'll never know._

_I'm just a two-foot high jackass with pretty hair_

_And a laundry list of addictions._

_Playing around with this one is asking for trouble,_

_But the Good Lord didn't bless me with the strength_

_To say no to that pert little ass of his._

_Fuck me, those shorts are so tight,_

_I really can't help myself._


	29. I Hate Myself, But That's Ok

 

 

>   
>  _"Sure enough, Levi's car was pulling up beside me, the passenger side window rolling down. I tried to look grateful, but all I could see was a different car, a different man in the front seat, and I couldn't move."_

 

* * *

 

 

_I left_

_My brat passed out in a stranger's bed,_

_Ignored the guilt just fine_

_Until he showed up the next day_

_With vacant eyes,_

_His insides hollowed out._

_I definitely felt it then,_

_Like burning acid down my throat._

_I'm not a teddy bear,_

_I feel more like an old pine tree;_

_But he clings to me as if I were his baby blanky._

_Hot coals are sizzling in my stomach,_

_Biding their time until they're provoked into a fire._

_I'm so unthinkably angry,_

_A demon with insatiable blood lust;_

_Simmering on the inside at the thought-_

_He flinches away when I grab his arm,_

_He waddles slightly when he walks,_

_I can see it in the way he appears to have lost his light-_

_I'm revolted. Green-eyed_

_And mad_

_At the thought of someone touching what's_

_Mine._


	30. Sweep Me Underneath The Chair

 

 

 

> _"Levi came to sit beside me, placing the bong and a little round metal container on the coffee table in front of us._

> ' _Have you ever smoked weed before, Eren?' Levi asked._
> 
> _'_ _No...'_
> 
> _'Do you want to?'"_

 

* * *

 

 

_Inhale;_

 

_The sharp burn in my lungs_

_Is my favorite part._

 

_Hold your breath;_

 

_Up I go,_

_Fuzzy in the head,_

_Black spots dance across my vision._

 

  _Exhale;_

 

_Float away with the smoke,_

_There are no sharp edges,_

_Nothing to be afraid of_

_Except the fire ants shacked up in my lungs..._

 

_Teaching Eren to smoke the Devil's lettuce_

_Was the best decision of my life._

  

_Shiny blue eyes, crooked grin,_

_Wind chime giggles._

_Stoned, lazy sex,_

_Complete relaxation_

_To the point of dozing off-_

 

_I awoke next to the brat in my bed,_

_And I panicked._

_Next thing I knew, his ass was on the floor._

_Even after he's out the door,_

_I can't seem to push that boy away from my thoughts._

_There's no denying it,_

_He's become less of a quick fix and_

_More of a mandatory dose;_

_I craved him like no other._

 

_Did you know?_

_He loves me._

_Me, Levi,_

_The Unlovable._

 

_Isn't it sweet?_


	31. Well He's Said He'd Show You His Bed

>   
>  _I had two men finish inside me and I felt my universe burst and then piece itself back together. Levi slapped my ass and Erwin tugged my hair, silent approval. I panted hard, smiling, heart beating a mile per minute._
> 
> _I felt so good!_
> 
> _Then I blacked out._

 

* * *

  

_Wouldn't you like to know_

_The sinful,_

_Sensual feel_

_Of Eren's elegant rolling hips?_

_Too bad-_

_I'm the one who got to dress that boy up in Hanji's finest,_

_Teaching him how to dance,_

_How to slither out of his clothes in the most beautiful ways,_

_Showing off just enough to tease the animal out of_

_A man like me._

_Maybe I should feel like a scumbag_

_For supplying the boy_

_With those scarlet rings around his eyes and the burn in his nose,_

_But hey,_

_Who said I was a saint?_

_The boy himself was a drug,_

_Terribly addictive,_

_And amplified by the chemicals tarnishing his_

_Freshly butchered innocence,_

_He was born again._

_Overflowing with self-confidence_

_And an unparalleled lust for sex,_

_He jumped at every opportunity I gave him._

_The first test was Erwin,_

_Who is one of the special few I trusted enough to tell about_

_My deep, dark, delicious secret._

_Of course, he needed to try it out for himself,_

_Was dying for a taste after the very first glimpse of_

_My prized sea-green gems._

_How could I deny the man such a pleasure?_

_Eren was eager to comply, just as I presumed he would._

_Two rounds before_

_Erwin and I needed another bump_

_So we found Mike_

_Slinging coke down the block,_

_Told him of the treasure we had in store_

_In exchange for his slaking generosity._

_After that, I was sure-_

_Eren had the power to get us anything we wanted._

_He would do whatever it took._

_I saw the hunger in his eyes,_

_The void that demanded to be filled_

_With dirty desires._

_A demon, just like me._

_He's just like me._


	32. If Heaven's for Clean People, it's Fake.

 

 

> _"'Do think you'll ever fall in love?' I asked wistfully._
> 
> _'No.'"_

 

* * *

 

_So what if I'm a bad person?_

_Known that all my life, really-_

_I've had to scour the streets like a feral rat,_

_Fighting off emaciated children just like myself,_

_Who would do whatever it took for even the smallest morsel of food on their tongues._

_I've lived nightmares that don't let up with the sun-_

_Moved up to big-boy crimes;_

_Breaking and entering, robbery, assault..._

_I've had so much blood on my hands,_

_Dealing and dabbling and making mistakes._

_I can say in all honesty that I tried,_

_Once, to get away from my life of crime..._

_Fucking great,_

_The way that worked out-_

_Car wrecked,_

_Bags ransacked_

_And money robbed,_

_My family's corpses at my feet._

_With no reason to live,_

_I turned to my own form of freedom,_

_The only comfort I'd ever had._

_You can call me whatever you want;_

_Junkie, user, low-life,_

Weak.

_And you would be right._

_Happy?_

_Does pointing it out make me want to change?_

_I learned a long time ago how to neglect my own guilt._

_So far it's worked just fine._

_Eren, he calls me none of those things._

_He looks at me with stars in his eyes,_

_Every God Damn day._

_It hurts, fuck,_

_I know I don't deserve him._

_But I am who I am_

_And I've been burned so many times_

_That I'd rather be the one_

_Starting_ _the fires._


	33. You Wanna See How Far Down I Can Sink?

 

> _"I gave him all I had, made him feel as good as I could manage, let him break me over and over again with a smile on my face. And then I'd take a look at his unimpressed expression and knew that I'd be sleeping on the floor again."_
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

_I want to say that my brat is just that:_

_A brat._

_An insignificant little child who would do whatever I tell him-_

_But I can't._

_The overwhelming satisfaction that comes over me_

_While he fusses about,_

_Making sure I'm fed and dressed and happy;_

_I get such a rush._

_He would give up the world for me,_

_A lecherous grinch with a drug dependence,_

_A temper problem,_

_A sex addiction,_

_A violent streak._

_This feeling I get,_

_When I can't get his voice out of my head-_

_It's like insects squirming beneath my skin._

_I get anxious all the time;_

_On edge,_

_Because I don't want to have to go through this again._

_I can't get attached-_

_I don't fucking want to._

_All I need is_

_Someone else_

_To capture my curiosity,_

_Someone else_

_To satisfy my hunger,_

_And then Eren can be forgotten-_

_Don't worry._

_In the meantime, though,_

_I suppose_

_It couldn't hurt to have some fun._

_He's still my brat for now._

_I tell him to sleep on the floor and_

_He does,_

_I tell him to fuck and_

_He does,_

_I tell him that only I have any say in who gets a turn with my precious boy_

_And what does he do?_

_He comes home with his hair teased, lips plump,_

_Dressed in some faggot's drugstore cologne._


	34. Nothing Hurts Harder Than Finding Out The Truth

 

> _The greatest reward that came with my rebellion, though, was the frustration and anger I saw in Levi's eyes. He was still bringing home his one night fucks, so I kept leaving and coming back looking like I just got fucked in a closet. Which I did._
> 
> _And it drove the short man mad._

 

* * *

 

 

 

_That fucking brat._

_Who does he think he is?_

_Assuming he could disappear every evening,_

_Have the time of his life,_

_Then return to my home_

_And act as if he'd done nothing wrong?_

_That ass belongs to me,_

_I'd already told him the rules._

_The only reason I keep him around_

_Is because he makes delicious breakfast_

_And_

_He cleans my house for free._

_And_

_Because despite how far I search,_

_I need that perfectly round, fat ass_

_To pick up the slack_

_Where my guests had fallen flat._

_No one can suck cock like my wilted little blossom,_

_So desperate for approval._

_I suppose I should be grateful that the spell_

_I'd cast on him_

_Had broken but_

_How could I?_

_He was putting on a show,_

_Trying to gain control._

_Unfortunately for him,_

_I have the upper hand._

_All it'll take is a little time,_

_Cold eyes,_

_Some third grade silent treatment._

_He'll come crawling right back_

_To me,_

_Pleading on his hands and knees._


	35. Day One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news everyone! We're back to the main story now, sorry i took so long.

 

So, knocking out my abusive ex-boyfriend was not my proudest moment, especially when it was the second time in two days. And well... I tried to justify what I did next. We're all perfectly aware of the first stop Levi would have made after leaving my place. 

 

When he came to, I knew it right away. Suddenly I could hear a loud clanging noise coming from my bedroom, followed shortly by his distressed yell.

 

"Eren! Where the fuck are you?!"

 

I jumped off the couch in a hurry - my phone clattering to the floor with my blanket - and ran to find him. 

 

"What is this?!" Levi shook his left wrist, which happened to be handcuffed to my iron headboard. He was kneeling on my queen-sized mattress, the covers piled in heaps around him. "You psychotic freak! Let me go!"

 

I knew he would be angry, but I was doing the right thing. Levi wouldn't last if I let him go. He needed me.  

 

"No, Levi."

 

Levi's rage was quickly replaced with a chilling calmness. Bedraggled as he was, under his mussy hair those steel irises had been sharpened to a point. "Eren, if you don't free me right now, I will kill you whenever I get the chance. Don't think for a second that I won't."

 

"I can't let you go. You need to get better."

 

"Oh, shut the fuck up-" 

 

"You're dying! I know you think that getting high makes living life easier, but you don't know how good it feels to get clean, Levi. I'm going to help you."

 

"Fuck you!" he spat.

 

It had already been a day since he'd gotten his last fix, so now the real withdrawal symptoms were setting in. His hands were shaking as he made angry gestures all about, nonstop babble edged with panic streaming from his lips. 

 

"Where's the key? You can't fucking keep me here locked in your room! Someone will hear me screaming and call the cops, just watch! Let me go!"

 

Levi's breathing was picking up and he'd begun to pull violently on the handcuffs, uncaring of the marks they left on his wrist.

 

"Eren, you can't do this to me - I don't want to get clean. I need to get high, or else I don't know what's going to happen. Please, Eren. Please get the key. D-do you want me to die?" By now he was gasping between each word, unable to get enough air. "I could... go into c...cardiac arrest, i-is that what... you're hoping f-for?"

 

He fell back against the headboard, clutching at his chest and wheezing. 

 

"It's okay, Levi." I tried to speak soothingly, but he just shook his head frantically. "You're going to be okay. Breathe with me, alright?"

 

I began to try calming Levi and getting him to regulate his breathing using a technique my therapist taught me. With time, his eyes were no longer wide as saucers and he'd stopped pulling on his cuffed wrist. 

 

"I'm going to take care of you. I went through this too, I know how scary and unbearable withdrawal can be. But it won't last forever, Levi. You're going to get better."

 

"I don't want to get better." Levi rasped in a sullen reply. 

 

"That's the drugs talking." 

 

I left him there to fetch a glass of water. It was extremely important that he stay hydrated. While I was in the kitchen, I also grabbed a towel and a large mixing bowl; if there was one thing I remembered most about my first week sober, it was the nausea.

 

Sure enough, I came back to find Levi retching over the side of the bed. There was already a nice big puddle on the carpet. 

 

Trying not to get sick myself, I scurried over and handed the bowl to Levi. He hugged it to his middle as if he was drowning at sea and he'd finally found a piece of driftwood to cling onto.

 

The vomiting lasted for hours. I cleaned up the mess on the floor as well as I could but there was still a nasty stain that I couldn't get out. In the short breaks between throwing up, Levi didn't speak another word. He avoided even looking at me.

 

I got him a fresh glass of water and cleaned out his barf bowl one last time before cocooning myself in blankets on the couch, but sleep didn't come for me until early the next morning.


	36. *Not a chapter

First off, I guess I'll apologize. It's not as if I've forgotten about this fic, because I actually think about it quite often. But I don't think I have it in me to write it. Or anything for that matter. 

So that leaves us with three options. I don't want to just leave you guys hanging because I know how it feels to get really into a fic and then have the author disappear off the face of of earth. I can't do that to you guys, even if there's only like four people left who care.

Option #1:  
I can just tell you guys what was supposed to happen and you can use your imagination to fill in the blanks. 

Option #2:  
I could write one final chapter instead of the group of chapters I'd planned out. It would be a little rushed but I'd try my best. 

Option #3:  
Someone else could finish the story. So if any of you are interested, even if you aren't necessarily voting for this option, let me know along with your vote. If this option were to be chosen, I'd like to read at least one piece of writing you've done. I would choose whoever I feel can carry on the story in a style that's as close to mine as possible and then I'd give them the summary of what was supposed to happen for them to write up however they like.


	37. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The truth,  
> Is you could slit my throat,  
> And with my one last gasping breath,  
> I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
> 
> -Taking Back Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I don't have it in me to forfeit the ending of my story.

 

They say that it only takes a week to get the drugs out of your system. After that it's just cravings that you have to fight.

 

Whatever that means - It's a load of shit.

 

I thought that if Levi had enough time to clear his head, he'd see that he didn't need to be high to survive. He could learn to be happy without it. He could become the good man I know him to be.

 

I could be there for him.

 

***

 

_Daylight's early glow didn't reach the deep shadows beneath Levi's eyes._

 

_"Have you slept yet?"_

 

_I ducked just in time to dodge the paper towel roll he chucked at my head. Although his aim wasn't too bad, Levi's throw was weak and his arm was still shaking as_ _he lowered it back onto his lap._

 

_"I brought you more water and some toast if you can stomach it."_

 

_"Let me go." He protested in a tired voice._

 

_The bowl beside the bed was full of vomit, so I made a trip to the bathroom to wash it out and grabbed some mouthwash for Levi while I was there._

 

_"Fucker, I said, 'Let me go!'"_

 

_"Here, this'll help with the taste in your mouth."_

 

_He only glared._

 

_I approached cautiously, wary of the junkie's desperate hunger making black holes of his eyes. Thankfully, Levi accepted the small plastic cup and poured the bitter liquid into his mouth._

 

_The next thing I know, a spray of minty blue was raining down on me, staining my formerly crisp white shirt._

 

_Those dead eyes bore into mine as Levi dragged the_ _back of his hand across his mouth._

 

_I forced a smile. "Better?"_

 

_He didn't answer, so I left him to be by himself for a while._

 

***

 

At first it was hard. Anything I said was thrown back in my face so quickly, most days it left me stunned and at a loss for words.

 

Levi could sleep for a whole day at a time, or he wouldn't sleep at all. I'd wake up to the sound of metal grinding against metal and knew that if I went to investigate, it'd be like opening the door to a rabid animal's cage. Even though he was chained up, his barely coherent threats would leave me picking shreds of myself off the floor.

 

***

 

_"You know I never loved you, right?"_

 

***

 

But then it became excruciating.

 

He stopped talking to me completely. I'd come check on him and he'd stare right through me. His vacant gaze would follow my every movement but it's like his mind had disconnected from the rest of him; Levi was somewhere else. In some fantasy world that must have been amusing, going by the way his lips would twitch upward at the corner every so often.

 

He had the eyes of a murderer. I could feel them searing my skull even with the bedroom door closed and locked behind me.

 

***

 

_"Eren."_

 

_My head snapped to look at Levi so fast I think it gave me whiplash._

 

_"It's time to let me go."_

 

_My eyes doubled in size. "No, I don't think-"_

 

_"It's been two weeks. You got your wish."_

 

_"But you're not-"_

 

_"I'm clean, Eren. Wasn't that the plan? Hold me here against my will so I can detox and begin my life again?"_

 

_"I-"_

 

_"Or did you plan to keep me here forever?"_

 

_"No! I-I just think you need more time." Levi wasn't going to make it out there. He'd end up right back where he started._

 

_"You're fucking sick, Eren. There's nothing you can do except maybe drive me to further insanity. If I have to listen to your chirpy voice go on about self-help mantras and motivational garbage for another minute, I think I might just strangle myself with my T-Shirt."_

 

_I tried not to look worried. "Levi-"_

 

_"Did you really think you could do anything for me? You're a fucking joke, kid! You can't even help yourself!_

 

_"The only people who even tolerate you are your sister and that mushroom boy. Even they were happy to hand you off to me, as long as they didn't have to deal with your sad, needy bullshit for a while!"_

 

_Levi laughed in that same ill-spirited chuckle that was his trademark._

 

_"You're pathetic. You're nothing but an easy piece of ass and a pretty face! Deep down, you know it, too. Isn't that why you're keeping me here? Because poor little Eren is so lonely, the only company you can keep is your fucking ex-pimp being held against his will!"_

 

_What could I possibly have said after that? Rigid as a frozen cadaver, I didn't see anything past the smug satisfaction hidden behind his carefully composed expression._

 

_Levi held out his wrist._

 


	38. Epilogue

Construct the box, tape it, fill it, close it. Stack. Repeat.

 

The wall of boxes blocks off the front door; instead of escaping I'm bricking myself in.

 

I have to throw out the bedding. It's all stained and stinking of junkie sweat. And the handcuffs still hang from my headboard. I threw away the key in a fit.

 

"Are you ready?" asks Armin, standing in my bedroom doorway.

 

Trying not to sound too grim, I reply, "Yeah, let's get started."

 

Box by box, my apartment grows colder and more unfamiliar. I can almost deny his presence ever being here in the first place; seeping into the walls and rotting the furniture from the inside out.

 

By the time I get to my new place, it'll be like this whole incident never happened.

 

With Mikasa's tiny car it takes us three trips to carry over my very minimal belongings. Back and forth up the six flights of stairs to my suite. I never want to walk again.

 

Mikasa drops me off back at my old place for the night; tomorrow we'll use Hanji's truck to move the bigger furniture. I collapse into bed and close my eyes. Half memories play through my head with no real focus, just partial images and stories that never last long enough to make me feel anything.

 

Levi told me when he left that I'd be dead within a week. He said that I wasn't even worth taking care of himself.

 

I've waited nervously for some stranger lurking around the corner for almost a month now. No one came but Mikasa could smell the fear that stuck to me like cigarette smoke. I told her I thought my place was haunted. She didn't buy it at first but my dark circles had me looking like a raccoon.

 

Regardless of whether she believed me or not, Mikasa got it in her head that I needed to move. Something was keeping me up at night; she wouldn't let me stay long enough for her to find out what. No matter how many times I asked her to forget it, she kept looking at apartments for rent and pretending that I was on board with it. Mikasa promised that as soon as I got out of there all my troubles would be swept away. 

 

It never occurred to me when I finally gave in that she'd already found a new place. I thought I'd have at least a month or two more to get myself ready.

 

Suddenly my drifting spirit slams back down to earth; I open my eyes to my cracked bedroom ceiling flowering with water stains. Every single hair on my body stands on end a second before I hear it.

 

Someone is hammering my door so loudly and insistent that the sound snaps through my every nerve ending; I don't move.

 

All is silent for a couple minutes and I start to believe that maybe my visitor had chosen the wrong door. But then the knock is back, even louder this time.

 

During ordeals like this, I really regret not choosing an apartment with a peephole in the front entrance. I leaned an ear against the door to see if I could hear anyone. If it's not already clear, I wasn't expecting guests and I know Mikasa would have called first.

 

A loud thump sounded through the door, as if a massive sack of potatoes had just slammed against it and landed on the floor. I heard a muffled groan and within half a second my solid wooden door was hitting the wall from the force I used to wrench it open. My heart stopped at first sight of the wreck at my feet; filthy, barely conscious, sickly pale, wearing a torn hoodie and jeans caked in mud.

 

"Levi?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to everyone who comented and voted for an ending. I wasn't expecting so many people to care. I'd planned on answering every comment but there were so many I got overwhelmed! Every one of you had something so nice and helpful to say and I wish I could return the favor.  
> So I know most of you voted for the summary but I think you guys overestimate my pre-planning skills. My story plans are very very vague. I always have a general idea of where I want to end up with no idea how to get there. Usually by the time i figure out how i want the current chapter to play out, the ending of the story has already changed.  
> Anyway, all this to say I knew the ending of my story and how long i wanted to take to get there, but the rest was kind of like fill in the blanks. It's much easier for me to figure these things out by starting to write and seeing what happens. That only works if I can find the motivation to write, though.  
> This is the end :( No more fanfiction for me most likely. These last chapters took way too long to post and I'll never be happy with them but it's more important to me that you guys finally get the closure you deserve.  
> Thanks for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Who am I kidding? I don't use Tumblr anymore


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